Why Neil Gaiman Should Really Be Worshipped By Fanboys
by Scott Crawford
A lot of people are huge fans of Neil Gaiman's writing, but the
real reason he should be revered by the fanboy community is quite simple
and obvious: he gets them dates. Without Neil's work on Sandman, the
likelihood of most of these people even meeting women, never mind dating
them or god forbid, convincing them to "get jiggy wit' it", would be
mathematically absurd.
Sandman is responsible for a tremendous influx of what are known as
"goth chicks" into the comics hobby. For the uninitiated, "goth chicks" are
girls who wear a lot of black clothing, worship Robert Smith from The Cure,
and are generally neurotic. Gaiman's Sandman is a comic book that these
"goth chicks" claim to relate to, mostly because the characters look like
goths. This makes them go to comic shops, and, mostly out of pity, interact
with fanboys.
Now, out of the same pity, occasionally, a fanboy who either has
some pathetic semblance of social skills, a lot of his older brother's
drugs, or the entire run of Sandman comics can convince one of these "goth
chicks" to meet him outside of the comic shop. Again, NONE OF THIS would be
possible if Neil Gaiman hadn't chosen to dedicate his life to saving these
pathetic, tortured, Jean Grey-obsessed souls. Every one of you, line up now
to worship him.
Now, the astute fanboy, if he reaches this social Nadir, should
know a few things. The mating ritual of the "goth chick" consists of
listening to The Cure's "Disintegration", turning off the lights in the
room so you can see the glow-in-the-dark stars, and opening up the futon.
If you guys are able to do this without having an asthma attack, you're so
laid it defies description. I'm surprised that Neil didn't write this into
an issue of Sandman, but I guess he figured he'd leave some of the work to
you.
Please understand though, that "every rose has it's thorn", as
those pillars of wisdom known as Poison once said. In the unlikely event
that you actually get one of these "goth chicks" to agree to consentual
sexual activity, you will undoubtedly have to deal with the following:
Spending the rest of your life from that moment on in coffee houses.
Constant whining until you buy them the Vertigo Tarot deck.
Tori Amos ('nuff said, unless you're among the
self-flagellators who listen to her to appear sensitive in front of women,
one of the only unfortunate side effects of reading Mr. Gaiman's work...)
Black lipstick stains on your sheets that you'll have to explain to your
mom, as, even though most of you are in your 30's, you still live with her.
A person who can never understand your unique, deep, spiritual
relationship with Jean.
Still worth a tip of the hat to Mr. Gaiman, regardless. Remember,
these girls wouldn't even talk to you if he hadn't written some goth chick
into his comic book that the real goth chicks pretend to relate to. This
man singlehandedly made your sex life happen. He's basically to fanboys
what Jon Bon Jovi was to heavy metal guys in the 1980's. Salut, Neil!