The Collector Times 1998 Holiday Gift Guide

By Scott "Yeah, Hairy Fishnuts To You Too, Pal!" Crawford

With Help From Bert "Ralphus" Harris, Ian "The Grinch" Johnston, Jason "Without Rachel, I'm Nothing" Bourgeois, and the Collector Times Staff, Not To Mention The June Taylor Dancers.

DISCLAIMER: Neither the Collector Times nor myself are responsible for the content on any of these links, or, in the cases when retailers are linked, for the services they provide. We used the links to bring you the best possible info we could find on the web for the items below. Hopefully, all of the retail sites we linked are cool people, and none of you have any problems with them. Enjoy!

Well, I think this just about takes the cake. For this holiday season, our esteemed publisher asked me to do the worst possible thing she could: she wants me to suggest some gifts for y'all. Sheryl, if you're reading this: what in the hell were you thinking?!?!? Next thing, she'll have me baptizing infants, cutting ribbons to banks, and other quasi-holy deeds. Maybe this is like a karmic thing though, and I'll work my way up the caste system to being the ref at female mud wrestling contests in strip joints. That's the spirit!

Let's start this shindig off with the most important stuff: what I want for Christmas. Nothing fits the holiday spirit better than self-importance and egocentricity, I always say!

First on the list is the Crisis On Infinite Earths Hardcover Collected Edition. (DC Comics, $99.95, available at better comic shops 12/2/98.) Yeah, I know it's $100, and I'm sick, obsessed, and deranged for being willing to pay that much, but hey! I can admit it. In addition to being one of the most important comic book stories ever written (even if it's not always the most coherent...), "Crisis" also offers some of the best artwork of George Perez' career, and with the entire series being recolored for the collected edition, we'll finally be able to actually SEE all of it without having to endure the production problems the series was plagued with when it was originally relased. What was DC thinking with those horrible Flexographic printing presses? Wow, so let me recap here: the book's $100, the story's flawed, and because the book was printed like crap in it's original form, we don't really know WHAT the hell the art looks like. Did I mention that DC mercilessly mowed down dozens of beloved characters in the series, including several of my favorites (DAMN them for killing Barry Allen and the Helena Wayne Huntress!), all in an attempt to retcon their entire universe that's more or less been proven to be a failure over the course of a little over 10 years? This item is a MUST-HAVE! =)

Next on my list (assuming you're still with me after my neurotic "endorsement" of the Crisis book...), I HIGHLY recommend the Planet Of The Apes Video Collection boxed set (Fox, $49.95 retail, available just about everywhere video tapes are sold). If you've never seen the movies, if you've only seen one or two of them, or if you've seen them all five million times, this is a worthy addition to anyone's video collection, and it's going to make a fine addition to mine! Get them for yourself, get them as presents, get them for homeless people! Who cares if they don't have VCR's? Only complaint here: as far as I know, they're not out on DVD yet.

Next up is a double whammy. I want both the home video AND the soundtrack to the movie "Heavenly Creatures" (Both the movie and the soundtrack may be a bit hard to get in stores. The site listed has pricing and ordering instructions for them, though). "Heavenly Creatures" is a fantastic film about two teenage girls who fall in love with each other, listen to a lot of Mario Lanza records, write a lot of weird stories about feudal-type folk sleeping with each other, and decide to kill one of their parents in the name of lesbianism! OK, I'm oversimplifying a lot, but it is a fantastic movie, and definitely one I'd like to own (hint hint). It stars a pre-"Titanic" Kate Winslet, and Melanie Lynskey, whose performance (especially her facial expressions) is absolutely priceless. The soundtrack has a bunch of Mario Lanza tunes on it, and I suppose I could just go out and buy some Mario Lanza discs, but then not only would I miss out on the sport of tracking down an Australian import record that's a pain in the ass to find, but I'd miss out on the cool Miranda Sex Garden-esque song that Kate Winslet sings in the movie, which is on this disc. Gee whiz, my taste in gifts is inane....

Next on my list is a Zip Drive, by Iomega ($120-ish retail, available wherever computers are sold). If you don't know what a Zip Drive is yet, go here, and they'll tell you. Handy little buggers.

And the last item on Scott's "list-o-fun stuff to get for me for Christmas" is a book called " O Holy Cow", by Phil Rizzuto, Tom Peter, Hart Seely, and Tom Peyer (Editors). ($10 retail, Roth Publishing Inc., available at most book stores). Apparently, the editors of this book transcribed actual quotes from The Scooter's beloved Yankee game broadcasts, and presented them in the form of poetry. "That Rickey Henderson, he has cute buns." This might be the only thing here that's more of a must-have than the Crisis book. =)

Now that I'm done spouting off about what I want, I'll move onto some other items that look like excellent gifts, as selected by myself and some of our other Collector Times staffers. Hey, I was WAAAAY over deadline. ;)

To start off in the comic book department, I'll suggest a few trade paperbacks. Here are a few old stand-bys that every comic fan should own already, but might not. All of these should be available at your local comics shop (If not, shoot the owner!) Prices are listed on books I could find them for.

On the Marvel side:

For DC fans:

Independents:

During my fact-finding expeditions for this article, a lot of people have suggested both the Transmetropolitan and Astro City collections. As I'm somehow so "hip comics impaired" that I've never read either of these allegedly great books, I asked Ian Johnston, CT staffer and avid reader of both, as well as a snappy dresser and one hell of a love...er...let's see what Ian had to say about both of these books.

Of Transmet, he writes, "Transmetropolitan is the story of journalist Spider Jerusalem and his life in The City. Spider is disgusted by The City's corrupt government and apathetic public. Via his own column and other, more directly engaging activities, he attempts to right what he sees as wrong. Transmetropolitan is masterfully written by Warren Ellis, and beautifully illustrated by Darrik Robertson. The end result is one of the most refreshing comics currently available. It's raw, gritty, funny, shocking, and sad at different junctures, and sometime simultaneously. If you're desperate for something that's not the same old, same old, you owe it to yourself to pick up Transmetropolitan." The first Transmetropolitan Trade Paperback is available now, and a second collection is due out in January, perfect for those gifts you forgot to buy, so you can say "I wanted to get it for you in time for the holidays, but those BASTARDS in production snafued me!"

Of Astro City, our lad Ian says "Astro City is a book about perspectives. Each issue is done from the point of view of a different citizen in Astro City, so the stories never get stale or repetitive. Astro City has a myriad of superheroes that watch over the city, and they're some of the best characters I've ever seen. Kurt Busiek's writing is absolutely fantastic, and Brent Anderson's pencilling is aesthetically pleasing. Each issue also sports a cover by superstar artist Alex Ross, and that only adds to the quality of an already phenomenal comic. If you like Silver Age superhero comics with a few twists thrown in, give Astro City a try, you won't regret it." There are currently 3 Astro City TPB Collections, "Life in the City", "Confessions", and "Family Album". All are published by Image Comics' Homage imprint, and should be available in most comic shops.

Another cool trade paperback of interest to Silver Age super-hero fans is due out on December 9th. Justice League Of America:The Nail collects the popular 3 part DC Elseworlds miniseries in one handy volume. Written and drawn by Alan (Excalibur, Capt. Britain, The Outsiders) Davis, with inks by Mark Farmer, this series drew raves upon its initial release this year, so the collected edition of it is sure to be on quite a few pathetic, Rachel Summers-obsessed fanboys' Christmas lists. ;)

And finally in the comic department, Superman: Peace On Earth is a new Superman story painted by Alex Ross (gee, have we dropped THAT name enough in this article?). This item was actually printed in the long-unused Treasury Edition size, which means it'll be a pain in the ass to store, but it looks really pretty. ;) It's available in most comic stores now.

FINALLY through the comics! "Who's next?" Anyone here like action figures? No? Well, the heck with you, I'm going to suggest some figures anyway! First out of the gate are the Big Blast line of figures by Graphitti Designs. Their initial run of figures includes Kevin Matchstick of Mage fame, Grendel, and Madman. The figures are really nicely put together, are about at Mego/Famous Covers doll 8" scale, maybe a little smaller, and retail for around $15 at better comic shops.

Also available now at all toy shops are the new Kenner JLA action figures. Don't get too excited yet, Paco, as they are mostly repaints of existing Kenner hero figures from the Total Justice series, but still, the figures sport very nice paint jobs (an especially marked improvement on Green Arrow!), and they did add new figures of Superman Red and Superman Blue, if that's your bag. No Martian Manhunter or Wonder Woman yet, but maybe if you buy these, the vultures at Kenner/Hasbro will relent.

Another cool series of figures that I came across is the Movie Maniacs series by Todd MacFarlane Toys. Actual figures of some of your favorites like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and my favorite, Leatherface! They also released 2 characters from the Species series, but who cares? These are available at most toy and comic shops for around $10.

And finally, because all of fandom demanded I mention them, there is a new line of Astro City action figures available. ;)

Man, do you people have any idea how much work it is to get this stuff out on a deadline? *sigh* Let's get down to our next item of bidness, video games.

For the Sony Playstation, Metal Gear Solid (Konami, $49.99 Retail, available now) is a solid choice for best game of the year. Combining elements of espionage, adventure, and HUGE old-school video game bosses, this is definitely a must-have. Don't forget to replace your old PSX controller with the new Dual Shock controller (Sony, around $30, available now) if you get this one. Other cool Playstation games out this holiday season that I'd recommend are N20:Nitrous Oxide (Fox Interactive, about $40, available now), which is kind of like the old arcade game Tempest on about 500 pounds of peyote; WWF Warzone (Acclaim, around $45, available now, also available for N64 at around $65), which makes a strong run for best pro wrestling game on the market; and for those of you who've been under a rock since April, Tekken 3 (Namco, around $45, available now) is simply the best one-on-one fighting game available.

On to Nintendo 64 games. If you didn't get a copy of The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time (Nintendo, $59.95, available now), you might have one heck of a time finding it. The first pressing, made with gold cartridges, are completely sold out, and even the normal grey carts have been hard to find. What's the game like? Well...it's Zelda! Other N64 stuff worth tooting my horn over: NFL Blitz (Midway, $65, available now) is the best thing to happen to football since players learned how to facemask; F-Zero X (Nintendo, about $55, available now) is just plain FAST; and WCW Revenge (THQ, about $65, available now) gives WWF Warzone a serious run for it's money, and has GOLDBERG!

For the collectable card game fan you know...get them a girlfriend or something! Jeez, those guys never leave the house! Seriously (kinda), a fella named Nate suggested a comic book called Knights Of The Dinner Table. (All of the publishing info is available at the above link.) According to him, it's a great parody of CCG fans. Like THAT'S hard to swing...;)

And finally, FINALLY...I saw this one advertised, and kinda liked it, so...the Sandman Pocket Watch is available at better comic shops. It's a bit pricey at $89.99, but a nice piece of work. Plus, it's a way to give back a little to Neil Gaiman for all he's given us this year, as he might get a cut of the profits on this one. Heh-heh-heh...

So that's IT! Finis! If you want any more gift ideas, get 'em yourself! Jeez, what are you doing on the web anyway? You're supposed to be in the middle of the great fourth quarter consumer orgy! Merry Kwanzaa!

Scott Crawford is available as a Christmas present to attractive, intelligent, single women everywhere. Send pictures and resume to sdcrawford@earthlink.net.

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