well, that's not entirely how it happened (at least in MY case; draw your own conclusions, otherwise, if you haven't already), but here i am, at the collector times mansion. guess what, kids? you know those naked pictures you all sent sheryl, in hopes of her showing them to my fiancee, the soon-to-be sidra crawford? I HAVE THEM ALL NOW. you people are SCREWED. (oh, and mom? please don't send any more pictures. you're starting to annoy people down here.) i've got enough blackmail material on the ct staff, and readership, to make me a whole lotta money. should just about pay for my move down here, and the wedding. thanks, guys!
first item up for bid: you all need to go see "american psycho". best nude chainsaw scene i've had the privilege of seeing in years. a must-see. two thumbs up. yeah. woo. damn right. chicka-chickaw. bomp bomp. chicka...chicka-chickaw.
i have to stress, since i haven't had the chance to in this space yet, that for short periods of time, UNEMPLOYMENT ROCKS. been at it for 18 days now. lots of oversleeping, "the price is right" viewing, and touching myself, sometimes simultaneously. cleaned my house, organized most of my video games, and i did so much laundry, it boggles the imagination! been catching up on my porn viewing, working on music, and touching my...oh, i mentioned that part already. for my loyal fans, the final edition of my "mall notes" series can be accessed if you don't understand why i'm so happy about being a shiftless, broke loser, go there and read my deep, emotional testimonial.
went to the alamo. no, i didn't urinate on it (that'd put me at territorial odds with ozzy, and well, we can't have that...), nor did i get to see the basement, but i did see davy crockett's rifle. that's one of those phrases that sounds dirty, but isn't. "heh, he showed me davy crockett's rifle." at some point, i may base my conquest of the world from inside the alamo. there'd be a real nifty irony in calling out the whole world from inside a fort that fell 164 years ago. good stuff. i also bought my mom a gen-u-ine davy crockett coonskin cap. she's going to have to promise me that she won't wear it in any of the pictures that she really has to stop sending to the poor roberts family, though.
a tip for those of you who aren't already watching those nice pro wrestlers on the television. you have one more reason to do so. the wwf's buh-buh ray dudley is quickly becoming the most compelling character on television. if you're not familiar with mr. dudley, picture a cross between steve urkle and ed gein. i find myself empathizing with ol' buh-buh ray more and more each week, experiencing his euphoric highs and his mournful, heart-wrenching lows just as he does. having him on my tv a possible 3 nights a week takes a lot of the sting out of big pussy getting shot in "the sopranos" season finale, you know?
god, if you're reading this: knock it off with the rain up in the northeast, willya? you're costing me millions in flea market revenue. i coulda bought hos for the whole roberts clan, had it not been for you raining me out 3 weekends in a row in april! how am i ever supposed to sell my beaten up, ratty old atari cartridges witchu pullin' dat? daaaaag!
to all of you who didn't register for my yahoo baseball league last month: go to hell. you people suck. it's not bad enough that you never send me email, but then you forsake me in yet another manner. you all want me to make you suffer, don't you? you're just jealous because sidra's going to marry ME instead of the likes of YOU. you want her to grade your comics, instead of mine! it's entirely too late for that, though! she's MINE, PIGS!!!!! MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!
oogiewawa!
-s
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