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Well, last month I wrote a few quick, useful, and hopefully painless tips for enjoying oneself as a GM. And so here I am again, writing something, and it seemed appropriate to give players some weapons to fight back with. I know you're not used to being bossed around, but I have to ask all the GMs at this point to stop reading this.
Of course, then there's those of you who are both GM and player, like myself. I suggest taking up multiple personalities in your cases (if you haven't already).
So without further ado, the top (however many I write) hints about how to enjoy the playing experience.
- Use humor. You may be catching on to something, if you read my last article (which you didn't). There have been quite a few documented cases where the ax of death (or whatever) somehow missed because the GM didn't want the character to die. This mostly has to do with the character amusing the GM. Just as a sidenote, I don't mean amuse in that cat and mouse sort of way, I mean funny.
- Recognize the difference between you and the GM. Think of them like your boss at work. Or if you don't work, just pretend that you're getting paid to game, and your GM is your boss. It usually doesn't work out well to torment them, hurt them, or annoy them in any fashion. An exception to this rule is sheer intimidation, but we'll get back to that later. You control your character, but the GM controls the world around them. You don't want your character Alvin the Powerful Alien to lose all of his power (and all of your hard work) because his heart suddenly decided to rip itself out of his chest and run down the street. The last part would have to do with the GM, in case you didn't get it.
- As a tie-in to point 2, recognize that you both have different goals. You want your character to be extremely powerful, and able to easily handle every situation, and have the admiration of all that you want to admire them. The GM wants to relieve the stress of their mundane lives by taking it out on your poor, partly helpless characters. Sometimes they want to have fun, too. The trick is to meet both of these goals, so everyone can have what they want (did you notice how I didn't mention fun for players? Obviously having all that stuff would be fun).
- GMs can bask in their power, and flaunt it. You, as a player, don't quite have that option. I recommend subtlety. GMs have to keep track of quite a few things at once, and can oftentimes be distracted. This is a great time to take advantage of their multitasking, and slip in a comment or two guaranteed to amuse you, or resolve any unresolved anger about a slight to you (or your character). In this case, when they look up and say "What?!?," I recommend outright denial. Otherwise, find something similar to what you just said. "I hate you," can easily be reinterpreted as "I ate two" in reference to how many slices of pizza you just had.
- Intimidation is key. Sometimes you get the rare GM who either doesn't realize their power, or is either significantly smaller than you or less intelligent. If it's the first case, I recommend fully using this to your advantage. I mean, you need anything you can get to even the field here. Learn the rules, or use big words. Then talk a lot to confuse the GM even more than they are, and take what you want. If it's the second case, just do what comes naturally (and I don't mean when you're drunk). The third, try a bit of mental intimidation. Bribery also works, you know, if they go to school. Share notes or something. You're the smart one, you figure it out.
- Look around you. Off to one side is the GM. Off to the other side are the other players (this is figurative, not literally). Notice the other players. They are probably clever, slightly demented, greedy individuals who will do anything to further their own characters. Some of them have negative traits as well. Don't get Bob the Paladin confused with his player Bob the Slacker. Paladins have much better tastes in clothing. Some of those other players may even be reading this list, so be prepared! I recommend a good dose of double agenting. First, contact the other players carefully. Explain how you all need to stick together to advance all of your needs (a good point). Then, offer individually to be their listening ear, for when they have complaints about the GM. Don't say anything bad about the GM yourself, but egg them on a little. If they have nothing bad to say, jot down some ideas of what they could say. This makes great blackmailing material. At the same time, act all buddy-buddy to the GM. Offer advice, pretend to listen to theirs. Tell them about player concerns, but in such a way that they think you're their inside man. When one player starts getting too powerful or friendly to the GM, you're in the right position to put them in their place. Just be wary not to get too many obvious gifts from either side. No one likes the GMs pet. **note: Do not try any of these things in my game. I wrote this list, and I'm a GM reading it. So, nah.
- Don't let the GM play you off of the others. They might purposely shower one pc with gifts (especially if they're dating their player). Suck up to that player, rather than get upset at them. They might share in the bounty, and when they get into a fight or disagreement (or the other players gang up on them), you'll be in a good position without the onus of having turned on a fellow player or become a GM pet. Besides, people only notice sucking up when it happens to the person above them.
- Be smart. Your character may be Dimlit the Dwarf, but that doesn't mean that when you're not playing them, you have to be (unless all your characters are dwarves, then this might go right over your head). Smart playing can equal good luck to your character. I don't mean number crunching or munchkinizing (and if you know what those mean, then you probably have as little life as I do). No one liked munchkins in the movie, and no one likes people playing Titan Cosmo-knight Psionicists. There's nothing wrong with making your character good at what they do, but don't rub it in.
- Buy loaded dice. **note: If you're low enough to do that, then you need more help than this list**
- When the GM hints that something might be important, listen and remember. They usually know more than you do about what's going to happen. If it's the old man warning your character about terrible evil, only he takes a little long doing it, try not to nod off. Also, sometimes just the pronunciation of one word can stand between you and the newly awakened hordes of the undead. And they're cranky when they wake up.
- When the GM hints that something might be a bad idea to do (you know, the GM hint voice whispers in your ear "I wouldn't do that" or some spirit of the dead floats by saying "Dooooooon't go there"), it's probably, conversely, a good idea not to do it. I know there's a logical theory behind that, but I have to get this article in tonight, so I'm not going to try looking that up.
- Be important, but not in the limelight. It can be a bad thing if too much attention is focused on your character, but it's good to be important. This isn't just feel-good stuff. If you have the only map through the Valley of Really-Really Bad Things in your character's possession, then they probably won't decide to play without you when your boss (the non-GM one) makes you work overtime on Memorial day and the rest of the group has off.
- All of us players can feel powerless sometime, and I'm sure you'd like to share your wisdom with everyone else here. Well you can't. So read on.
- This is probably the most important of them all. It is a last resort, you can use this when all else fails. Either that, or you're really bored. It is your power as a player, and a powerful power it is. It is called the Messing up all of the GM's Plans Power, or the Ability to Completely, Totally, and Irreparably Mess Up, Screw Up And Foul Up All of the Poor GM's Well Laid Plans for short. This is not just a power, it is a responsibility. When you see a chance to screw up all the GM's plans, you must take it. This overrides any of the other previous points. It is the underlying rule of reality. Don't question it. If you do, you're not suited for roleplaying. Go back to making Chess themes for Duke Nukem.
- Have fun. You're probably not getting paid for it (if you are, email me. I won't tell, I promise). Therefore, it's either work or fun. If it's not fun, it's work. Unless you're a masochist (or a V:TM player, same thing), you probably don't like to put yourself through needless pain. If you don't enjoy yourself, don't take it out on other people (although this can be quite enjoyable, sometimes). They're just trying to have fun. It's better to ruin their fun when you're already there.
Well, there we have it. You can use this list one of four ways. You could take it as it is, and follow its excellent and age-old advice. You could show it to your GM (bad player, bad!) as a sucking up method, by saying: "See? Aren't you glad I'm not like that?." You might just not get it, but that's ok Dimlit. Or you could still be getting over my V:TM joke a few lines up (by the way, a minilop with a switchblade answers my hatemail). Hey, feel free to mix and match. I recommend mixing the first two, to make an excellent and humorously paranoid GM. Enjoy!
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