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This month, on the anniversary of Collector Times, we conclude the most recent "How To" series. I know you noticed that I had missed my column last month. I know this, because if you didnt, then you probably wouldnt be reading this now. I have an excuse, but it has nothing to do with what happened. Im sorry. Please feel free to send me hate mail, I like it much better than calling me up and making those breathing noises into the phone. It always reminds me of that Star Wars trailer.
Speaking of Star Wars trailers, its time to move on. This months column is titled
"How To Write a How To Series," Or
"How To Have a Month Off and Still Write Your Column At the Last Minute."
There are three easy parts two writing a How To series. First, Ill explain why you need a How To series for your column, then Ill list those parts out, and finally well get into them more specifically. **
Why you need a How To series.
Ive included 5 helpful reasons why you should also make a How To Series. Please note that these are all suggestions, and none of them reflect me in any way. Really. Also, some of them might fit you, some of them might not. Ive even left a few blank spaces so that you can practice filling in your own. Please be sure to use a non-permanent marker when filling it in.
- Youll do anything I say. (Before you continue, please transfer all available funds to me, assuming you havent given them to someone else already. I accept Paypal).
- You have a column, but really cant think of anything to write in it for a few months.
- You are a big fan of the Zelda games, and like the idea of taking one idea youve already had and spawning countless spin-offs of it.
- You work in the "For Dummies" publishing line.
- You dont like the idea of liver-flavored jelly beans.
- . . .
- . . .
Some people might dispute the relevance of some of these reasons. To them I say: Pshaw. Im not responsible for number 6, and Im sure someone fits into the number 1 category. Ive just got to get them to read my article.
So, think that a How To series is the way for you? Too lazy to think of anything else to do? Bored, and figure you have nothing better to do than to finish reading this article? Lets continue with the steps.
The Steps:
- Figure out something you want to write it about
- Decide how many steps you want it to be
- Write them down
This may seem remarkably easy, but as we dig deeper well find that theyre all simple as well.
Step 1: Figure out something to write about
This may seem to be the easiest step, but its actually the hardest. In some cases, though, its the easiest. This all depends on motivation.
Motivation is a fickle thing, much like Internet Explorer. Sometimes it can take you where you want to go, and sometimes it can ditch you in mshtml.dll and leave you trying to find an illegal operation for your fatal exception.
When I cant find motivation, I just close my eyes and walk around in circles until something hits me. Then I open my eyes, and suddenly I still dont know what to write about. After that, I wait until the last minute, until both my wife and my editor (no, not the same person) threaten to inflict bodily harm upon me. And this, my friends, is the secret of motivation.
As a side note, it is usually good to write about something that you have a bit of knowledge about. If you dont, though, be sure to use whatever big words you know, no matter how appropriate. Use a condescending tone and matriculate often.
Step 2: Decide how many steps you want it to be.
This is perhaps the easiest step, but also the most misunderstood. Lots of people would think that the amount of steps would involve the complexity of the process you are describing. Lots of people are wrong (we already know this, why else would we have Darwin Awards?). There are two factors to determining the amount of steps. The first is dependent on whether or not you are being paid by the word. The second factor is my common dilemma
a delicate balance between satisfying ones editor and ones own laziness. My laziness is much more dear to me, but it doesnt have a bullwhip.
Step 3: Write it down.
This is somewhere in the middle. Youve already done all the thinking work, and countless people have before you. This is mostly manual labor. It is kind of hard to avoid. I am currently working on a method to use the force over weak minds. If you have a weak mind, and are willing to participate in this experiment, please send me some money (for research purposes, of course).
***Secret Bonus***
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