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The title of this month's bad movie is "Carry On, Pickpocket."
Yes, by all means, carry on. Just don't make me watch while you do.
I swear by the blind, idiot god Azathoth that the first half hour or so of this movie was the most pointless thing I'd ever watched. It's as if all the stars of the movie (Sammo Hung and a bunch of other people who I recognize from countless other movies, but darned if I know their names) said "Hey, let's make a movie. And let's have it be about pickpockets." That was about as much planning as they did, then they started filming.
The movie opens up by introducing us to our lovable pickpockets and then showing them at work. Hey, that's not too bad. They're pretty smooth operators, and I do like Sammo Hung. He's charming, even though he had a really stupid looking haircut for most of the 80s.
Did I mention that this movie is from the 80s? It carries with it all of the quality you expect from such a movie. Things really, really bogged down when our protagonists go to a disco. Unless it's belly dancing or something equally cool, dance scenes bore me to tears. This was not anything even approaching cool. The tedium is finally broken by a fight scene, but it's not great.
There is some humor scattered throughout, and the main female character actually gets to kick some butt, but over all the movie was pretty lame. I watched it almost a month ago and the only things that stand out in my mind is that the theme song was terrible (but I forgot it), and that as soon as I saw the DVD menu I told my husband that I just knew the movie was going to finish with one last joke or gag, then freeze frame and roll the credits. They all do that.
This one did, too. He'd better be happy I didn't take him up on his wager, in which he would have never played World of Warcraft again.
The other bad martial arts movie we rented was "BloodFight" with Bolo Yeung. Unfortunately, I can't review it because we barely made it through 20 minutes before the dialog caused us such pain that we had to turn it off. Just imagine a movie with every 80s martial arts movie cliche in it. Then imagine that most of the stars are Asian, can't act very well, and are speaking English. I applaud them for attempting to speak the language of the intended market, rather than being dubbed... but it was really atrocious. And boring. Don't waste your time.
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