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For those of you who were vastly underwhelmed by last month's series of reviews of obscure budget games from foreign lands, here's a few more! Enjoy! I know I enjoyed writing them, paying for them, and I will definitely enjoy living with the shame of being in the same house as them for the rest of my natural life, or until the world ends, whichever comes first. Perhaps someone could find out where I live and burn the place down, thus freeing me from the shame of having so many Phoenix games in my collection. Or not. I am actually enjoying living at the moment, all evidence to the contrary aside. Arcade USA
Phoenix are all about value. This compilation has two games in it - air hockey and ten pin bowling. Does two items count as a compilation? I would've thought two were a pair, three were a set and four or more were a compilation, but then I tend to think too much about these things. I also don't enjoy wearing pants, and they're referred to as "pairs", even though there's only one. If I hear about putting on a "pair of pants", I expect to have one set of pants for each leg. It's one pant comprised of two legs.. if you said "I'm putting on a pant" or "I'm putting on a pair of legs", it would make far more sense. See what I mean about thinking too much? The ten pin bowling is implemented pretty well, if you've suffered a head injury and have difficulty with complex concepts. Position the ball (heh heh), click a button when the arrow, which moves left to right, is pointing the way you want the ball to go, click when the power meter hits the desired level, then a second to press a button for spin. Exciting, eh? The graphics are all right, I suppose, but who cares? The first time I got an Atari 2600, I was enthralled by 2600 Bowling for 45 minutes.. the ten pin bowling in "Arcade USA" lasted for a full frame, but only for the sake of being thorough in my duties as your Phoenix reviewer. Also, I didn't have anything better to do. Unless adding another 50 pages to my thesis on pants nomenclature counts as better. The air hockey? It's a bit crap - looks effective enough, with a more or less first person view of the table (ie, not a side view). The unfortunate fact is that it's very difficult to get any kind of speed or spin on the puck, so it's rather boring and pointless. I let the AI get a goal on me, and was amused to see a replay of the game. A nice touch, and no doubt was a fun programming exercise for the developer, but realistically, who's going to be so enthralled by their awesomeness at "Arcade USA"'s air hockey that they're going to watch a replay? Just plain not worth the effort, children. Stay away. D-Unit Drift Racing HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN Sorry about that, just trying to curry a little favour with the guy who apparently wrote this game. Please don't smite me for the comments I'm about to write, Oh Father Of All Lies And Shitty Budget Games.. considering what I've done to the Mormons over the years, I think You owe me one. D-Unit Drift Racing is hideous. I picked one of the unlocked tracks at random, and the road was pink. My assumption is that it was some sort of attempt to ape the neon lighting you get in these kind of riceboy fantasy racers, but it made no sense compared to the rest of the background scenery. The cars control like pats of butter on a frypan which is, I suppose, good for drifting, but not when it's inevitably into 90 degree turns slamming into the sides of the track. The music? Aside from one track, the rest of them sound like someone kidnapped Aphex Twin, force fed him angel dust and cough syrup, then punched him in the head seven times and asked him to write something "awesome, dude". If you value your immortal soul, stay the hell away. Even well implemented games of this type are shit - what do you expect from something like this? Not even entertainingly bad, just bad. Extreme Sprint 3010
A bizarre introduction video with a mix of animation and live action shots of sidewalks and buildings, along with an incredibly forboding industrial-esque tune set the scene for a rather odd game. "Extreme Sprint 3010" is very much reminiscent of an older Namco arcade game called "Metrocross", but with a 3D perspective. If that reference makes no sense to you, or you can't be assed doing your research, imagine a game based on the boulder chase from the beginning of "Raiders of the Lost Ark", but with traps to avoid along the way. Hell, I believe there was a similar section in "Dragon's Lair", too. Maybe the second one? Your bloke has to run a few laps around a course covered in sawblades and barrels to jump over, pipes to avoid and things to jump under, all the while being chased by a giant spiky-wheeled tank thing. It's not bad, but by the time you've finished three laps of the same course, you'll be very bored - so that doesn't bode well for completing multiple tracks to unlock further tracks, or other characters - all of which I bet are remarkably similar looking. Unfortunately, there's not a lot here to really hold your attention for more than half an hour at best, but I enjoyed it a little bit, and that's more than I can say about many of these Phoenix games. Kidz Sports Ice Hockey
This game makes me seriously contemplate having Wayne Gretzky killed just so he can spin in his grave over the way hockey has been treated. Why? Well, aside from the fact that they've added "special abilities" you can earn and utilize on the rink, it's practically impossible to tell whom you're actually controlling from moment to moment, making the game nigh on unplayable. It's a shame, really, as it has excellent presentation, complete with your team being announced, nice graphics and music, the whole nine yards - noteworthy for a budget effort of this pedigree. It's just that games are normally meant to be playable, see?
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