Ask A Stupid Question:
Comic Characters Edition --
Valentine's Day Special

Yes, once again, I've opened up the floodgates for my advice column to comic book characters. This time I'm only taking love advice. No comments from the peanut gallery.

Dear Jess, I've written to you before. My wife was recently retconned. I started dating my now not dead ex-girlfriend. Only now it looks like she's also dating my best friend. What should I do? Really, I have no clue. Fighting mad scientists with eight arms is easier than this. - Lost in the Webs of New York Dear Web Head, As I said last time, there is a woman who is a lot like you also having problems with similar continuity issues. That's not the only way she's like you, if you know what I mean. Due to all the retcons she might be both biologically and chronological much older than you, but I think she'd be a blast. There is someone else-- someone you knew in high school-- who I heard had relationship issues, right now who I heard was (ahem!) jonesing for you at one time or another. If you don't mind the emotional baggage of missing kids there is always that option. Or you could make the ultimate decision, but No, I don't think that's an option where you are. Sorry for suggesting it.

Dear Jess, I recently came back from the dead. My boyfriend and I are getting along better than ever in both our personal and professional lives. (We work together.) Before I died and came back he treated me fine on a personal level but could be a real jerk at work. Now though, he's being a saint on both fronts and to be honest, it is a bit weird. I like it but it's weird. Our boss just died but he's taking it hard. I don't know what to do. - Spoiled in Gotham Dear Spoiled, You feel spoiled. So spoil him back. Repeatedly. Nothing is better for a depressed, despondent, grieving person than a little life affirmation. Though, hopefully you've learned your lesson from last time you engaged in such activities and will remember to open the fourth pouch to the left on his utility belt first.

Number #1 on Bizzaro World, Me not meet ugly woman who tells about tomorrow in newspaper. Me hate her so much that me want to tie her to railroad track and watch her go squish. My strength am I know how to tell her this. What shouldn't I do? Dear Jess, Let me get out my stupid to English dictionairy... Um, Right. I mean wrong. There are three possible ways of doing things. 3) You should not ask her to lunch with you and let her pay for the food. If you mind and then you take her fries and she slaps you, than fooey, you just had a date. 1) You could not buy her vegetables and put a card on it saying it is from you. That way she won't know it am from you. Though if she hates them-- then you can not tell her who sent them. 2) You should not- over any circumstances, take her into a crowded room and not kiss her. That am worst way to find out if she hates you forward.

Dear Jess, I accidentally made two dates for Valentine's day. One with a rich, self absorbed brunette that I like and can't for the life of me figure out why and another with a knockout blonde who is fun and likes the same stuff I do. What should I do? Run Ragged in Riverdale A three way. If Action Comics can imply one occurred and still get a Comics Code Authority stamp, then so can you. Afterward, in the words of a philosopher much wiser than myself: "Get down on your knees and thank your maker that you know me and have access to my dementia."

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