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This month, I'd like to talk about being the GM's wife. Next month, I'll discuss the best ways for players to have happy interactions with the GM's wife. Now, I'd like to state that I am using "GM's wife" as shorthand for "any spouse or significant other of a game master, regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of said game master." Most of my advice should apply regardless of gender, it's just that I am a GM's wife and all the other major GM's in the group are also men who are married or have girlfriends. Thus, for the purpose of this article, I shall act as if we live in a world of strict gender roles, where all GMs are men and they are married to women. But please feel free to mentally substitute husband and he/his/him as needed to fit your situation.
Being the GM's wife isn't always easy. Oftentimes, you also have to be the hostess for the gaming group, dealing with a hoard of gamers descending on your house anywhere from twice a month to two or three times a week. Sometimes, you feel like you have to put up with behavior you don't appreciate, within your own house, to keep the peace within the group. And sometimes, the GM has to be extra hard on you, just to dispel rumors that he favors you just because he happens to be sleeping with you.
But it doesn't have to be that way. You may be the GM's wife, but you're also the lady of the house, and you're also (probably) a player in the game. You deserve to be able to be happy in your own home, and you deserve to have just as much fun as the rest of the group. Here's my advice on how to make it happen.
- If you and your husband do in fact host the game in your home, sit down together and discuss what rules you feel should be in place if the group wants to use your home. For instance, in my house there's a rule that if anyone ever intentionally hurts one of our pets, they will not be welcome in our home anymore. There's also a rule that our large, detached game room is not to be used for games that neither of us are playing in. It may be the group gaming spot, but it's also still our house and we can't entertain gamers every night.
- Once you've decided on the rules, don't announce them to the group. If you provide everyone with a long list of rules of what they can and cannot do in your home, they will feel very unwelcome and probably think of you as a bit controlling and demanding.
- Instead, if you see someone breaking one of your unspoken rules, or if it seems like they're about to, just speak up in the most calm but firm way you can. It's your home, it is perfectly acceptable for you to say "Please don't put your feet on the coffee table" or "If you keep blowing in the dog's face, she will bite your lips and you'll have no one but yourself to blame." If you're not playing in the game, it may be best to have the GM be the one to actually bring up and enforce the rules, so you don't come across as the naggy wife. But if he decides to be a pushover, you will have to step in. You do have a right to keep your home nice and your pets unmolested. Don't fester over the stupid behavior, politely stop it.
- You do have some say over who is allowed to game at your home. Unfortunately, I've learned the hard way that you cannot in fact say "so-and-so isn't allowed in our house anymore because all of his characters annoy me." But if someone constantly insults you, damages your home, endangers you, your pets, or your children or otherwise behaves inappropriately, you do have the right to say that they are not allowed to game at your house. You may have to put up with annoying people, but as far as I know there is no rule of etiquette that says that you have to put up with having an utter creep in your house just because someone invited him to join the D&D group.
- You also have the right to enforce gaming hours. Some overzealous players like to show up early or stay late after the game. You can decide how much of this is OK, and beyond that it is perfectly alright to turn them away or show them the door. You do not have to stay up until 3am just because a couple of players still want to chat.
- Most importantly, I will repeat, you deserve to have just as much fun as the rest of the group if you are a fellow player. Do not let your husband constantly give you the short end of the stick just because someone might cry favoritism. If you're hosting the game, you already have less fun because you're probably the one who has to clean up before, after, and sometimes during the game. You shouldn't also be having less fun in-game. If you feel that your husband is skewing things against you to please the rest of the group, sit him down and have a talk with him.
- This means you can also occasionally take advantage of having constant access to the GM. Don't do anything that would be considered an abuse of your position, but feel free to ask him questions about the game at the dinner table, or run little side quests for your character instead of glossing over side events in the main game. Pretty much do things that any other player could feasibly do (my husband is always happy to answer questions or run the occasional side quest via IM), but which is easier for you because hey, you live with the guy.
And now, a few tips on how to not be the bad kind of GM's wife... you know, the sort who gives all of us a bad name and makes everyone automatically assume that the GM bends to our every whim and we are an evil nemesis to be avoided at all costs.
- I shouldn't even have to say this, but I've seen it happen... The biggest rule is no matter what, do not ever, EVER try to use sexual favors as a bargaining tool within the game. It's one thing to joke "If you kill my character, you're sleeping on the couch." It's quite another to say "I'll give you a blowjob if you take back that headshot on my character." It's crass, it's disgusting, and it makes the rest of the group think the worst of you.
- Do not abuse your status as the GM's wife. When it comes to the game, you are just another player. You do not get veto power over what game he runs, what sort of storyline he runs, what sort of monsters he throws at you, or who gets to play in the game (with the exception of creeps who aren't allowed in your house, of course). You have just as much right as anyone else to say that you'd prefer to play Call of Cthulhu instead of Legend of the Rings, but you do not get to kick the group out of the house when everyone else votes for L5R.
- If the GM decides that he can trust you with a secret about his game, because after all, you are the love of his life and he trusts you with everything, do not violate his trust. That includes smugly sitting there and saying "Oh, I know what's going on." You have to act like you're just as much in the dark as everyone else. This goes doubly so if he decides to tell you a secret about another player's character.
- If you are not playing in the game, don't be resentful of or mean to the people who are. Yes, they're taking up your husband's time, but especially if they're guests in your house, you need to be polite to them. Do not hang out in the game room distracting your husband from running the game. Do not glare at the group every time you walk by. Don't make snide comments about the game. Either hang out in another part of the house, or better yet, make plans to do something that you enjoy outside of the house.
Allow me to take a break from this list to tell you about one of the nicest GM's wives I ever knew. The first real-life gaming group that I was a part of was just four people. We met at the house of one of the players (who eventually also took turns being a GM). His wife was not a gamer at the time, but she was always great to the group. She'd give a friendly greeting when we showed up, spent most of the game in another room, kept the kids from disrupting the game, and was just generally sweet and welcoming. For major holidays, she'd make little goodie bags up for the group. When she eventually decided that she wanted to give this gaming thing a try, we welcomed her with open arms, because she had always been accepting of those crazy geeks who invaded her house twice a week. When she played in her husband's games, she didn't try to influence him, and when nice things happened to her character, it fit with the story and didn't seem like GM favoritism, because good things happened to the rest of us when the story called for it.
I know I'm not nearly as good of a hostess or GM's wife as she was, but I strive to be at least tolerable! She's a good model for what to do, and what not to do. Now, back to the list.
- Don't put your husband into an uncomfortable position by asking him to do something for you that he won't do for another player. If he's already said that no one can play a Jedi Knight in his Rift's game, don't ask him to make an exception for you because you have such a cool concept and he knows that you won't unbalance the game. Even if your concept is cool, and you did make a balanced character, if he allows you to play it then he's proven that you can be the exception to the rule, and the rest of the group will be cheated.
- Don't arbitrarily convince your husband to cancel the game. There are good reasons to cancel a game - for instance, you're sick and you don't want people in the house. You have house guests and you feel that you and your husband should focus on entertaining them. There was a death in the family. All valid. "Because I don't feel like it" is not.
- Do be a team player. For the rest of the week, you're the GM's wife. But on game nights, you're a fellow player. So play! Do your best to get along with the group, even the ones you don't like. Be friendly. Participate in planning strategy, trying to solve puzzles, and exploring dungeons. Let everyone see that you're here for the same reasons that they are, it just happens that you're married to the GM, no big deal.
That's it for this month! Next month, advice for the other players!
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