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Welcome to the second part of my two-part column on the GM's wife. This month, we'll talk about how to deal with the GM's wife when you're a player. But first, I'll repeat the disclaimer from last month: Now, I'd like to state that I am using "GM's wife" as shorthand for "any spouse or significant other of a game master, regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of said game master." Most of my advice should apply regardless of gender, it's just that I am a GM's wife and all the other major GM's in the group are also men who are married or have girlfriends. Thus, for the purpose of this article, I shall act as if we live in a world of strict gender roles, where all GMs are men and they are married to women. But please feel free to mentally substitute husband and he/his/him as needed to fit your situation.
Ok, good. We've got that out of the way. Now let's talk about being a player in a group with a married GM. The GM's wife can be a great friend to the group, or she can be like the pastor's kids and get away with everything. If you're in the latter situation, I recommend that you just give up and find another group. Otherwise, use these tips to ensure that you have a smooth and happy relationship with the most important person in your GM's life.
- First and foremost, re-read that last sentence and keep it in mind. The wife comes first. It doesn't matter how much longer you've known the GM, it doesn't matter if the gaming group predates the marriage by a decade. A person's relationship with their spouse comes before their relationship to their gaming group. Don't push it.
- If the GM and his wife host the game at their home, which is often the case, respect their space and their rules. If you're asked not to put your feet on the coffee table, and to use a coaster, try to remember to do so, and don't get huffy when you forget and you're reminded. Even now in the 21st century, in most households the majority of the cleaning is still done by the wife, and she's bound to get resentful if she has to keep cleaning shoe-marks off of her furniture.
- Also respect any kids or pets that live in the GM's home. Just because your puppy likes to wrestle doesn't mean that the GM's dog does, and you certainly don't get to undermine a mother's rules for her children. This partiular GM's wife is very protective of her rescued dogs and ignoring her requests on how to treat them is a fast track to getting kicked out of the group.
- Acknowledge that it is a pain to host the game. You don't have to fall all over yourself thanking the GM's wife every game, but it is polite to clean up after yourself, and remember to occasionally say "Thanks for having us" on your way out the door.
- Remember that although she is hosting the game in her house, it is not a traditional "hosted" event. As such, she's under no obligation to keep you provided with drinks, snacks, and certainly not dinner. A nice GM's wife may do so on occasion, maybe baking on peoples' birthdays and hosting the occasional holiday dinner. You should count yourself very lucky if you're in a group like that. I provide water and hot tea for my gamers and maybe the occasional bag of chips or box of cookies if I'm feeling generous. To do anything more makes it simply too expensive to have gaming at my house.
- Don't go around accusing the GM of favoring his wife within the game. Sometimes it will happen, but most of the time you're probably imagining it. And honestly, role playing gaming is not a competition. As long as the GM isn't blatantly breaking the rules of the game, does it really matter in the long run if nice things happen to his wife's character? Let me tell you, picking a fight with the GM about it will not solve anything. In some cases, it will get you kicked out of the group.
- Allow me to emphasize: there is really nothing to be gained by complaining to the GM about his wife. Some players seem to think that they can accomplish something with this. No matter what the wife is doing, it's between her and the GM. Either the GM is aware of it and has already discussed it with her, is aware of it but has decided he doesn't want to have a fight with his wife over a game, or is not aware of it and will probably assume that you've got a chip on your shoulder and are looking to pick a fight over an imagined slight. Not only that, but whatever you say to the GM WILL get back to his wife. Most couples don't keep that sort of thing from each other.
- And for that matter, don't bother fighting directly with the GM's wife, either. Even if the other players agree with you, they'll never back you up for fear of annoying the GM. You have to either suck it up or leave the gaming group. There is no other solution. I have learned this the hard way.
- Don't try to get the wife to tell you GM secrets. Yes, the GM might confide in her, or use her as a sounding board to iron out details of the game. He does that because he trusts her to keep it to herself. It's rude to try to get her to give you even tiny hints.
- Do try to be friendly with the GM's wife. Don't go over the top with sucking up, but if she seems nice and you like her, try to cultivate a good relationship. When the wife feels like part of the group, she's more likely to side with you guys in the game. I have seen wives who were eager for their husbands to kill off the rest of the group. That's not healthy for anyone.
- Do treat her like just another member of the group during the game. Don't assume that she's a tool of the GM. Let her participate in the problem solving and don't try to shut her out in any way. If she's playing in the game then she's probably there for the same reasons you are.
- If the GM's wife has previously not played in your games but has suddenly decided that she wants to watch or even participate, welcome her with open arms. I know it's hard to be patient with gaming newbies, but especially if the game is in her house, she should feel comfortable being involved in it. Offer to help explain the rules, fill her in on the back story of the game, loan her your sourcebook for the night. Just be careful not to talk down to her, or to overwhelm her with too much geeking out. If her eyes start glazing over, it's probably time to dial back the enthusiasm.
In short, unless the GM's wife is really and truly an unlikable person, there's no reason why you can't have a healthy relationship for her. It will certainly make your GM happier, because no one likes to be caught in a conflict between their spouse and their friends.
And with that said, there's nothing left but to wish you all happy and drama-free gaming in 2011!
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