The Year of the Super Hero Part Five
Fantastic Four

by Jesse N. Willey

   
Ah, May. The month the Avengers movie comes out. The perfect month to do an Avengers themed Top Ten List. So why aren't I doing one? There are a lot of contributing factors. First, I did an X-Men column last month and I didn't want to do two Marvel columns in a row. Secondly, there is an Avengers story I know a lot of people would get mad at me for not including and I haven't gotten to it yet but it is in my "to be read" pile. But most importantly- I promised Sheryl I'd do a Legion column to appease her for the really far too long X-Men column. I promise I'll get to that Avengers list by the end of the year. Maybe. So without further ado, the best of the Legion of Super Heroes . . .

  1. Brainiac Adventure (LSH Volume 4. #100): Just like last Christmas and the Christmas before that and the Christmas before that- George Bailey wishes he didn't exist and sees how terrible the world would be without him. No wait- that's not it. Brainiac Five is having a horrible holiday season with everyone else asking for his help fixing things. So Clarence, aka the Time Trapper, shows him what the world would be like if he never existed. What he discovers is truly shocking. It turns out that 75% of all the Legion's problems can be traced back to one man- Brainiac Five. So he has a decision to make and bwhahahahahahahahaha Sorry- not telling.
  2. Here a Villain (LSH Volume 3. 1-6): Almost every villain the Legion has ever faced come together for a revenge pact. The objective- for each of them to kill a Legionnaire. To do so- they start by literally stealing the planet Orando from normal space time. It results in one of the longest continuous fights in Legion history. It causes some Legion members to become lost. One Legion member to be killed and Princess Projectra to break the Legion code. It sets the stage for what Legion can truly accomplish when given Baxter paper. It's a whiz bang epic with heart.
  3. The Little Clubhouse that Could (Secret Origins Volume 2. 46): We all know the Legion used to live in a building that looked an upside down rocket ship. Do you know the origin of the building? If you thought it was a decommissioned rocket ship flipped upside down- guess again. That's Fortress Lad. A hero with the ability to turn into a fortress to protect its young during an attack. He tried out for the team and was rejected. Only he died in a surprise attack during his try out. In a move that was surely an over the top spoof on Silver Age logic- his dying request is that the Legion occupy his corpse. Which they do. It's kind of creepy thinking that they took this guy's dead body and wired it for electricity, cable TV, not to mention plumbing in order to bring it up to 30th century building codes but they did in a story too unintentionally creepy not to be hilarious.
  4. Legion of Super Heroes (Volume 4. #14): During the Giffen and Bierbaum run- all the Legion characters lives went to hell. In the case of Matter Eater Lad and Polar Boy- this becomes literal. They wind up in Tartarus. All sorts of horrible things happen to them thanks to their old foe Evillo. They somehow manage to free Evillo's ex-wives. Polar Boy makes some really crazy decision at the behest of Evillo's daughters. Plus with the UP thinking Tenzil is dead, Calorie Queen takes the job he never wanted in the first place. So everyone ends up happy. Save for maybe Calorie Queen... but y'know... who cares about her.
  5. No Substitute for the Real Think (LSH Volume 3 Annual Volume 3): The Dominators are planning an invasion. Cosmic Boy and Night Girl are going to need help to stop it. Only none of the big names are able to lend a hand. So- it's up to the Substitute Heroes. Only they've disbanded. So they form a new one- mostly from cadets from the Legion Academy. That's right- it's Power Boy, Bouncing Boy, Comet Queen, Laurel Kent and Visi-Lad against an army of alien genetic engineers. That's sort of like bringing a knife to a thermonuclear missile fight. Does this new Legion have what it takes? Well- yeah- but only because they get really, really lucky.
  6. Legion: Lost (Volume 1) #1-12: Can the Legion's ideals survive if they are far from home with no idea where they are? That's an interesting question. It is a question that about half the team must face in the wake of The Blight. While they keep getting further and further lost, both in space and metaphorically, they keep encountering aliens with echoes of the familiar. Finally they encounter the most startlingly surprise one of their own gone mad. Of course they eventually make it back home but at a price. One that left scars that took a long time to heal.

 

I'm sorry to interrupt folks but Sheryl informed me that she wasn't joking on last month's cover. In spite of the fact that I already wrote 78% of the whole sprokking article I'm being forced to rewrite it to fit her seemingly inane editorial mandates. I am required to do columns only about Kitty Pryde from now on. I don't want to limit my creative spirit but you know- it's not my website. I'm just the hired help who doesn't get paid. Oh sure, she promised to look in her collection for spare copies of those impossible to find Legion Tabloid sized issues but she never has. Plus, she didn't even stop to consider the fact that all but a handful of the best Kitty Pryde stories were covered last issue, I'm going to bring you the 10 Coolest Things about Kitty Pryde.

 

  1. Trained Ninja: Ninjas were somewhat of a cliche in 80s and 90s comics. You had Daredevil, Iron Fist, Shang Chi, The Question, Judomaster, Wolverine, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Kitty Pryde. What makes her special? One of the few times that she actually used this talent- she kicked Wolverine's butt. Which leaves us to question Wolverine's catch phrase about being the best there is at what he does. Unless of course that's self promotion.
  2. Her pet Dragon: I think all children- and all sci-fi or fantasy fans have wanted or want an exotic pet of some kind. Our currently much maligned editor in chief has her parrots. My friend Melanie has an iguana- named for a certain dragon. It's nice to see that aspect played out to an extreme in a world where weird is common place. Lockheed isn't quite a pet- he's fully sentient capable of communication. He's just entirely comfortable being a moocher.
  3. Optimistic: While she doesn't necessarily see good in everything- she does find a means to grow and fights for a positive outcome no matter what the world throws at her. When Professor Xavier moved her from The X-Men to the New Mutants, she proved she belonged on her original team. When her friend Larry committed suicide- she tried to use it to teach others to be themselves as a means to prevent similar events in the future. Even the incident in the Magic Bullet when she thought she was going to die- she saw the potential for something good.
  4. Reluctance to use violence: Okay, as I discussed before Kitty was combat trained by the X-Men- including Wolverine. Then she got possessed by Ogun. The psychic residue left in her head made her one of the greatest martial artists on Earth. Good enough that if she really felt like it she could partially unphase her body inside your head and pop a blood vessel and on an autopsy report would look like natural causes. Or she could just kick your @$$. Instead she doesn't see the need for it. She has the skill but would rather not use it. She prefers to find solutions to her problems using her brains rather than her fists and feet.
  5. Willing to speak her mind, even when it will cost her: To quote Kitty's own words: "Professor Xavier is a jerk " She said this knowing full well that he would be able to hear her and since he is a telepath, he'd know full well that she meant it. She knew that in most private facilities that would probably be enough to get thrown out of school. That wasn't the first time she did something like that. She's the type of person who is absolutely capable of telling you when you're being a hypocrite.

 

Okay - I think she's gone now. We can get back to the Legion list now.

 

  1. Unlucky Streak (LSH Volume 3 #45): The first of two pastiche stories to make the list is the encapsulated and expanded origin of Lighting Lad, Lightning Lass and Lightning Lord and their ties to the three Lords of Luck. The story also looks into the ties Garth has to the origins of the Legion itself and what role he has played in making the world of the 30th century what it is. It is a great character study- and has a nice flashback for everything you wanted to know about the Ranzz family. If it weren't for the parts of the story advancing some of the series ongoing plots this could almost be an issue of Secret Origins. (Which the Legion did a lot of guest spots in at the time.)
  2. Tenzil for the Defense ( LSH Volume 4 #11): It's been five years since Earthgov has collapsed. The Legion are wanted terrorists. The people of Earth want someone to blame for their plight- so they call for the head of the guy who was Legion leader when it all went to Hell. So begins the long awaited The Trial of Polar Boy. Unfortunately- nobody really wants to be the Defense Attorney on the case. So- Polar Boy turns to former Legionnaire turned holovision lawyer- Matter Eater Lad. In holovids Tenzil is sort of Perry Mason meets Columbo with a little bit of The People's Court thrown in. In actuality- well he is one of those fly by night lawyers you see advertised on local TV. You know the kind that say , "If you or a loved one have died on the operating table, call me." He's not great, but he is certainly smarter than the rest of Legion gave him credit for. That's right folks, before there was Gary Oldman as Soldier, Tinker, Tailor, Spy there was Tenzil Kem as Legionnaire, Politician, Lawyer, Chef.
  3. Legion of Substitute Heroes Special #1: COMPUTO and Pulsar Stargrave- two the Legion's most powerful enemies- attacks the planet Bismoil. After requesting assistance they get the most powerful members available. Color Kid, Infectious Lass and Stone Boy. Umm . . . right. Those guys. Luckily a real member of the Legion is there to help them out. Not only that- it's their mightiest member- Matter Eater Lad. Umm . . . yeah. I know what you're thinking. The planet is screwed. This is a tale so weird that only Keith Giffen could plot it. Though it was still at that phase in his career where he was unsure of his writing ability so Paul Levitz dialogued it. Then went out of his way to pretend the whole thing never happened.
  4. Legionnaires #7: This a weird case where a pastiche story is better than the original. Where the story it references had a flat "I have an accent and a super power" style characterization of Silver Age DC, this quasi-remake with the SW6 Legion has a lot more going for it. It's got romance. It's got comedy. It's got a slightly more threatening looking Devil Fish. More importantly, it has dialogue by Tom and Mary Bierbaum and art by Adam Hughes. While the lead story focuses on Inferno (the Sun Boy clone)- it also has some rip roaringly funny subplots for Brainiac Five, Andromeda and the almost sickeningly cute non-couple of Matter Eater Lad and Shrinking Violet.

 

Oh great . . . she's coming back. Pssst . . . you guys pretend you didn't just read all that.

 

  1. Not afraid to admit weakness/defeat: Probably the stupidest thing anyone can do is not get help when they need it. Kitty learned this pretty quickly. Not that she can't handle herself- but when she's in over her head and knows it- she'll get help. She doesn't see any shame in it like so many other super people seem to. You don't see that -- Mr. Sinister killed my parakeet. You take out the goons, but he's mine' attitude with Kitty as much as you do with some super types.
  2. Sarcastic/ Keeps a sense of humor: Okay- it's easy for the brainiac who knows it to come off snobbish. Trust me, I know where of I speak. If you can laugh at yourself or make others laugh, well, then you go from snob to something else. She's not only capable of gently ribbing her friends (see Kitty's Fairy Tale) but she's perfectly capable of making fun of herself.
  3. Compassionate: You would think this and item six would contradict each other. They don't. Kitty is capable of telling you when you're full of it. Though she usually does so when it's for your own good. She's also known- more often than not- to follow this one bit of advice that has stuck with me for years: "The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right." She's done so for so many of her friends and teammates: Illyana, Colossus, Wolverine and even Professor Xavier.
  4. Unashamedly Geeky: Throughout her existence Kitty has been into lots of geeky stuff. She's been shown with a Star Wars and Star Trek posters on her wall. Her bookshelf is loaded Tolkien, Robert Heinlein, Harlan Ellison, Ann McCaffery and on at least one instance Terry Pratchett. She's just as likely to travel miles away to see unknown band hardly anyone has ever heard of as is she is some mega hit- like Marvelverse Lila Cheney. While never shown in a comic it wouldn't be out of character for her to sing along with They Might Be Giants.
  5. Interested in Science: The media is always complaining about how there are few women on TV or in books or movies who are interested in math and science. Comics are probably worse about this. The Silver Age DC claimed Supergirl had a passing interest in science but how often was she shown in a laboratory when she wasn't dragging Brainiac Five out of one? Never. Kitty is often shown fixing gadgets, correcting people's scientific errors or reading physics books by Bruce Banner, Reed Richards or his real life counterpart Richard Feynman.

 

There overly fanboyish garbage even put me to sleep. Sheryl should be dozing off for a few minutes. Now let's get back to the Legion and their best appearances around the DC Universe.

 

  1. The Flash: Dead Heat (The Flash #108-#11, Impulse #9-11): The Legion's interference her is slight but important. The speedsters powers start going haywire. Wally West and the others face off against a evil speedster called Savitar. Johnny Quick bites the dust. Iris begins acting strangely. Wally and the other speedster begin to lose. Eventually, he manages to find out from Iris- a refugee from the 30th century- just what her problem is. According to history as she knows it this is race that Wally doesn't come back from. Then again- Jenni Ognats (aka XS) and Bart Allen (aka Impulse) are there now and history didn't record their being there. Can that change anything?
  2. Sergio Aragones Destroys DC #1: This all encompassing DC universe special has some great spoofs of just about every major player in the DC universe. In spite of being a fringe fandom of DC, Aragones and Evanier decide to give quite a lot of space over to the Teens of Tomorrow giving the team a more than gentle ribbing. I've seen the Legion parodied many times before and since- but never this well. It has all the most powerful Legion members from Bouncing Boy to Matter Eater Lad and even Mon'El dealing with the really really long job of nominating the new leader- plus the ever popular Legion team try outs. Fear the mighty One Hit Wonder Lad.
  3. The Computo Trilogy (LSH Volume 4. #98-100): Brainiac Five thinks the team has been stuck in the past too long. So he takes a lot of 'low tech junk' he found lying around including one of Doctor Magnus's responsometers and his half busted omnicom and wired them into a Mother Box. Now- anyone who's ever read any comic books at all knows what happens when you mess with technology that crosses the Clarke barrier. (The point where advanced technology becomes indistinguishable from magic.) Thus is born the Post Zero Hour version of C.O.M.P.U.T.O. It takes the combined might of the Legion, The Justice League (including Superman and Batman), Superboy, Robin, The Metal Men and zillion other cameos to beat it. However- the team does eventually get home. Though things are not as happy as they appear.
  4. Dial V for Villain (The New Adventures of Superboy #50): This issue celebrates not only the 50th issue of The New Adventures of Superboy but it is a homage to its original home of Adventure Comics an anthology book that at one point home to half the DC Universe but is probably best remembered for four series: Superboy, Legion of Super Heroes, Krypto and at least one incarnation of Dial H for Hero. This story involving time travel and one of Lex Luthor's revenge schemes brings all of them together for one very bizarre tale. It turns out the transformation powers of the Dial are not limited to heroes and Smallville is in for a lot of havoc. Luckily for Superboy the Legion arrive to help out. Then again- considering the amount of chaos that triggers maybe he shouldn't be quite so happy. Oh and as I said- Krypto is in it too.
  5. Supergirl Annual Volume 4. Annual #2: During the time when the Legion was stuck in the late 20th century, the Legion did a lot of obligatory cameos in the Superbooks. This is one of the best. It plays off the Silver Age history between Supergirl and Brainiac Five. Only this time around Brainy isn't the emotionally repressed nerd of the silver age. He's stuck up &^(*wad. Supergirl isn't your girl next door. She's an emotional damaged wreck who is rediscovering herself after literally being absorbed into someone else's life. The humor works really well, though you know any expectation from the previous timeline are doomed from the start.
  6. Superman: Time and Time Again (Action Comics #663-665, Adventures of Superman #476-478, Superman #54-55) : Okay- I covered this one during my Superman piece from his perspective. For the Legion's sake- it might be a confusing introduction to the team- but it can also be a great primer. Interested in one of the Legion futures you see? Check find the appropriate era in trade and give it a try. It covers everything from the cornball silver age, to the cast so large it makes the Claremont X-Men look like a solo book Levitz/Giffen era to the mind bendingly grim Giffen/Bierbaum era. Plus it features the original JSA, Booster Gold and the Linear Men. Oh yeah- and Superman.

 

Uh-oh Looks like that cut and paste with mild rewrites woke her up again. I got think of another Kitty related list. Think - I know - Kitty's weirdest alternate reality counterparts. That'll work . . .

 

  1. X-Men: The Manga: I can't believe I'm mentioning it again. A few years ago I reviewed this book for the late lamented 'Did I Get What I Paid For?' column. I've tried to scrub my mind of the memory but it keeps coming back. They turned her into a mindless fake. They gave her annoying older sisters. Basically- they removed all the Kitty Pryde from Kitty Pryde. Okay- this weird one is weird in a bad way.
  2. X-Men: Pryde of the X-Men/Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends: The Sunbow animation Kitty took a complicated, conflicted teenage girl who could handle herself and turned her into a total wimp who depended on Colossus for everything. Why? Because it was an 80s cartoon and in 80s cartoon girls were only to be able to do stuff on a 'girl's cartoon'. Then only if in a situation where saving the day relied on very 'girly' things. So Kitty as we know her would be as out of place as she was in X- Men: The Manga- only worse because it would be many kids first exposure to the X-Men. (Not me- I went from an X-Men RPG module then this.)
  3. Lil' Sprite (X-Babies): Here kiddizing Kitty made sense. After all- Logan's 8 years old so making Kitty four kinda sorta makes sense in a Muppet Babies sort of way. Making the Evil Lil' Sprite from The X-Babies limited series being an infant was hilarious. You know what was even funnier? Baby Lockheed...
  4. Ultimate Kitty: I have tried and tried to like the Ultimate Universe. While I've come to enjoy some of the stories, everyone seems like watered down less interesting versions of their Earth-616 counterparts. Here- at least 3/10 of what makes Kitty amazing as she is- just isn't there. There is potential but she's not quite there yet. She's still- sadly- my second favorite character in the entire Ultimate Universe.
  5. Mayoral Candidate Kitty (X-Men: The End): Marvel's The End books were basically letting keynote creators write their version of what the last story for a given character should be. Obviously Chris Claremont was chosen for the X-Men. Here Kitty Pryde is running for Mayor of Chicago. Kitty has a major strike against her: she's openly a mutant. Which makes her a target. People are trying to assassinate her. That's the least of her worries since the Phoenix is coming and the whole planet might not make it to election day. While set about 15 years later, it still plays off the original unused ending to MeKanix, Kitty has certain romantic interests in both Colossus and Karma.
  6. Phantom Cat: She was only a one panel gag in Spider-Boy and the Legion of Galactic Guardians of 2099. You remember DC and Marvel's Amalgam universe, right? Basically Shadowcat plus Phantom Girl = Phantom Cat. As far as Amalgams go- these one seemed natural not only in terms of powers but at least some similarities in personality. It was a much smoother fit than Paste Eater Pete. (Matter Eater Lad + Paste Pot Pete/Trapster.)

 

Which safely brings up back to the Legion of Super Heroes. I couldn't have time his segue better if I planned it.

 

  1. The Curse (LSH Volume 3 Annual #2): This a story in which dangling plot threads collide. First off, ever since his first appearance- Valdius was one of those mindless monster villains who didn't have an origin. Secondly, throughout her pregnancy, Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad thought they were having twins. Lightning Lad is from Winath- where twins are the norm after all. Then she surprisingly had only one child. Finally, Darkseid promised to get revenge on the Legion. What do these three have in common? It's a wild ride- as Valdius's origin is told, the fate of the missing twin is revealed and Darkseid's revenge plot becomes very, very clear.
  2. Who Shot Laurel Kent? (LSH Volume 3 Annual #1): Okay- here the connection to the rest of the DC Universe is hidden. For years there was a Legion Academy student named Laurel Kent who had diluted powers of Superman. She was some very distant descendant of his. Only someone found a way to shoot and nearly kill her. Then other seemingly random targets start showing up dead. So the Legion start investigating. They eventually find a millennium old connection between all the victims. Aside from the often mentioned but rarely shown Tornado Twins- no real connection to the rest of the DC Universe is present. Aside from the motive of the killer.
  3. Ambush Bug II (DC Comics Presents # 59): Ambush Bug follows Superman to the future. The Legion is unavailable so it's up to the Subs to keep him contained. (Uh-oh ) They get overwhelmed. Ambush Bug obliviously runs amok causing unheard of amount of damage. The Subs call in their own backup squad. Which- face it- it's the subs. You know where this is headed. Eventually- Superman comes back and if he was allowed to be pissed off during the Silver Age- he would have been. Especially once Ambush Bug finds his way to the Superman Museum. Forget about Superman though. Think about it- the Legion of Substitute Heroes and Ambush Bug. It's a combination in the caliber of chocolate and peanut butter. Superman is just the unnecessary wrapping.
  4. The Great Darkness (Legion of Super-Heroes #290-294): I mentioned this one before in my best of Superman stories with connections to the DC Universe. This is more than Superman and Supergirl interacting with the Legion. It is a full blown revitalization of a character who went from forgotten cosmic guy to the biggest bad guy DC has- Darkseid. But that's not all- there is also a hint of Orion plus some nice small nods to some of DC's other mystical characters. Many of the shadow forms that Darkseid summons up come from various DC books. It's fun to try to spot them all.

 

Great -- now I have to finish this Kitty list before Sheryl realizes I stuck the Legion article in there. She'll have no choice but to carry it. Heh heh heh . . .

 

  1. Nazi Kitty: Okay- in one of the early top ten lists I said Nazis were amongst the most cliched villains in comics. This one relies on the most cliched- but less of a stretch- ways of making Nazis viable villains in the modern era. The classic alternate Earth where the Germans won World War II. Not only that- who would suspected a teenage Jewish girl as being a member of an elite squad of super powered Nazis. There was also the sick connotation that she was willingly participating in what was going on but also an unwilling comfort woman With the other peculiarities explained away one thing still doesn't make sense. At least part of her family had been in America for several generations while the other branch was in Poland. Given her heritage, they wouldn't have been allowed to travel. So how did her parents meet on this world?
  2. Empress Kitty (Excalibur Crosstime Caper): During the Cross Time Caper, Excalibur came across a world ruled by a tyrannical government. People were being locked away in prison facilities and executed. People were backstabbing each other to get into power. The X-Men and their ilk existed- but many of them were either in prison for fighting the powers that be or long since dead. Can you guess who was in charge of this nightmare? Obviously since the title says Empress Kitty it obviously isn't Magneto.
  3. Pirate Kitty: Kitty's Fairy Tale is one of my favorite X-Men stories. (See Last issue.) For some reason Pirate Kitty wears a cowboy hat. It doesn't make sense. That's okay- the whole story only makes sense only in the way that all bedtime stories do. This version is much like the Earth-616 Kitty only older, a little goofier and flies around either in a hot air balloon or on the back of a giant dragon.
  4. Hot for Teacher Kitty (House of M): In House of M we see are world where mutants are the accepted majority in society. Kitty isn't a ninja warrior with a pet dragon. She's a school teacher. She doesn't play a big part in any of the stories. However- this seems right. She never wanted to be a fighter. She became one out of necessity. If she hadn't been an X-Man, that is probably what she'd be doing. Though if I had a teacher like her in high school- I might not have been paying attention to Science.

That's all for this month. I promise a more sane and less scattered brained list next month as I present... The Greatest Loves of Kitty Pryde and The Best Artists to Draw Kitty. (Kidding... maybe.) Maybe it'll be Spider-Man or The Avengers. All I'm sure of at this point is that it won't be Alpha Flight.

 

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