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Welcome to the New Collector Times! I'm so excited about this fresh start. Readers, we no longer have to pretend that I'm writing gaming advice. We all know what we're really here for - stories about stupid, rude, and obstinate gamers. It's hard to decide where to start, which gamer to rant about first, so I decided to instead dedicate this column to exploring some of the archetypes of bad gamerdom.
The 10 Most Annoying Gamers You'll Ever Meet
- The one who always plays the same character.
Ok, I get it. Sometimes you have a particular sort of character you're most comfortable with. When I was new to gaming, I would almost always play an Elven Warrior or whatever the equivalent was as my first character in a new-to-me system. I like Elves and Warrior-types are usually the easiest to play while getting a grasp on the rules. However, each one was a unique character with a new name, personality, and secondary skill-set different from her predecessors. I'm not talking about that style of gaming. I'm talking about the gamer who once upon a time (probably back in high school) had a really epic amazing character who they really enjoyed, and every character since then has been a carbon copy, reboot, or reincarnation of that character. Same name, same backstory, same skillset, modified as little as possible to fit into different game worlds. Sometimes the player will go so far as to ask the GM to create the Golden Character's class for a new gaming system, and/or allow a previous version of the character to somehow be transplanted into the world - ie, "My D&D character stumbles across a Ley Line and ends up in Rifts Earth." This is fine to maybe do once in a fit of nostalgia. It is not acceptable to do in Every. Single. Game.
- The one whose characters all share his personal beliefs, convictions, and opinions.
We've all met this guy (or girl). He's the one who is inexplicably playing a monotheist in D&D, preaching about the "One True God" to the cleric of Ilmater. His characters automatically hate the characters of the players he dislikes. If he thinks that pineapple on pizza is an abomination, then it's a safe bet that his character does, too. This person is so deeply entrenched in his own biases that he can't let them go and play a character whose mindset might deviate from his in the slightest bit. Sometimes he's harmless, other times his character's refusal to get along with the group due to an imagined out-of-character slight derails an entire session or campaign.
- The one who comes to gaming but doesn't game.
Oh yeah, I wrote an entire column or two about this back in the old CT days, but we've rebooted and all that canon is gone, so I have an excuse to get back on my soap box. This is the person who for whatever reason, does not feel like playing the game on offer for the day, but comes to the place where gaming is held, sits in a good seat, and then plays on their game system, phone, tablet, or laptop the entire time. This would be bad enough (due to the aforementioned taking up of a comfy spot on the couch), but they're never content to just sit there and play quietly. Oh no. They have to interrupt the actual game to show everyone a funny picture, or tell a long, drawn-out story about what just happened in their game of Fruit Ninja. Sometimes they even have the nerve to distract the GM mid-combat. There's a special place in gamer hell reserved for that person.
- The one who is so in loooooooove that all of her characters are in loooooove with her boyfriend/husband's characters.
Aside from gamers with horrible BO, this is the most gag-inducing horrible gamer. Helping the group and furthering the storyline are secondary goals for this player. Her primary objective is to jump the bones of her lover's character. Her love is so powerful that it transcends the fourth wall. Being involved with someone else's character would be like cheating (the adultery kind, not the fudging your numbers kind). Playing a character who is incompatible with her lover's character would be denying their love. Sometimes she and her lover make their characters together, and they come into the game already involved with each other. Sometimes they make separate characters, and then force them together even if there's really no reason why they would like each other. Her lover is either equally smitten, or going along just to avoid drama in the relationship.
- The blatantly obvious cheater.
Cheating is bad enough, but this guy thinks that the rest of the group is so stupid that they'll never notice! He rolls his dice behind his hand and gets 3 times as many natural 20s as the next-luckiest player in the group. His character is inexplicably good at everything. When the GM asks the entire group to roll initiative, a lore check, or perception, he invariably has the highest result. He rolls his dice, barely looks at them, and spits out a number without pausing to check the rank of the skill he's supposedly adding to it. He seems to have an endless supply of karma, mana, luck, legend points, ammo, spell slots, and hit points. He conveniently forgets his character sheet after a few sessions and rebuilds a better version of the character "from memory." But the worst part is that he thinks that no one else in the group is on to him. He will often attempt to draw suspicion away from himself, or make himself look better, by accusing other players of cheating or meta-gaming.
- The one who continues to show up even though she knows that no one likes her.
What is with this gamer? She knows that most, if not all, of the group dislikes her and wishes she would stop coming. Everyone knows she knows, because she'll say things like "No one likes me!" forcing the group to either squirm in awkward silence, lie, or derail the game by taking an hour for everyone to air their grievances with her. When a kind-hearted member of the group tries to tell her privately "The group is trying to like you, and if you'd just stop playing your harmonica over the GM's descriptions, we'd all give you a second chance" she throws a fit and claims everyone's picking on her, and she's just trying to make the game better by adding mood music. Sometimes the group gets so fed up that the GM finally asks the player to leave the campaign, which she does. But months later, when she hears that you're starting a new campaign, she comes crawling back, begging for a second chance. Nevermind that this is actually her fifth chance, and that the group actually moved gaming to a new, secret location in an attempt to never see her again.
- The one who thinks that every single thing is about him.
If this guy is playing a warrior, and an NPC mentions a warrior, obviously that peasant is talking about HIM! Alternatively, this guy has forgotten (or never realized) that gaming is supposed to be a group activity and expects to constantly have the GM's undivided attention as his character strikes off on his own to try to find his brother's killer. This isn't to say that I don't think characters should have their own personal goals. I just think that they should not take over entire sessions of the game, unless the character includes the rest of the group in his quest. Oftentimes this player is also quick to take things personally, reading too much into the comments made by other players or the actions of the GM. He spends entirely too much time dwelling on things in between sessions, and if you happen to see him during the week, all he wants to talk about is the game, and especially his character, and how he's sure the world revolves around his character.
- The one who takes the game way too seriously.
Gaming is Serious Business! Or at least it is to this girl. She gets offended by any joke made at her character's expense. She hates when the GM decides to take a break from the campaign to run a light-hearted holiday-themed side quest. She viciously quashes any attempt at banter. She hates silly characters. She is way too attached to her character, and may cry and/or quit the game if her character dies, or spitefully make a really obnoxious character to get her revenge on the GM for killing her, or the group for letting her die.
- The one who never takes the game seriously.
Sometimes this guy is worse than the one who takes this seriously. This guy does not care that other people are really invested in the storyline of the game. This guy doesn't care that you started your character at level 1, and have played your way through an epic campaign and you're excited to see how things end. This guy does not care that the group can only meet every other week and would really like to wrap up this huge battle tonight so that next session the story can move forward. This guy just wants to have fun and make jokes. This guy will purposefully do something absolutely boneheaded within the context of the game, just to try to get a laugh. This guy doesn't know why everyone is mad that his silly joke caused half the group to die.
- The judgmental one.
Sometimes a player gets it into her head that she's better than the rest of the group. She's smarter than them, her character concepts are much more clever, and unlike the rest of these losers, she leads an exciting and glamorous life between gaming sessions. She doesn't really like the group, but she enjoys gaming so she puts up with them anyway, and then tells her friends stories about the stupid group she plays with. She might even fictionalize and exaggerate things that happen during games, in order to bolster her own popularity on the internet.
Tune in next month when I'll be co-GMing Earthdawn and ranting about how rude my group is for not acknowledging that it is the best game setting ever invented, and that my NPCs are the most creative and interesting they've ever interacted with.
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