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Okay- for almost along as there have been super hero comics there have been super hero comics doing special Christmas themed issues. Here are just a few of those great stories from the big two. So at three am, when you kids out there can't sleep and your folks won't let you unwrap presents till 6 AM, dig out last years stockings and read on.
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Marvel Two In One #8: Normally- comic book stories with allusions to Christ annoy the crap out of me. Here though it works as part of the North American desert is transformed into ancient Bethlehem by some unknown mystic force. It is up to ol' brick faced Benji Grimm and the irredeemable Ghost Rider to fix things. There are also monsters and demon wizards to fight. The real highlight of the story was the idea of the ever lovin' blue eyed Thing being one of the three wise men. Though how wise could they have been giving Myrrh to a baby? That's sort of the ye olde version of giving a baby a savings bond or stocks to play for their birthday.
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Rhino Plastered (Incredible Hulk #378): Bruce Banner, Rick Jones and Agent Quartermain are having a bad year. It's Christmas Eve and all they want to do is stay home and do that usual Christmas Eve stuff. Finish some last minute Christmas shopping. Unfortunately they run into a mall Santa that looks suspiciously like The Rhino in a red coat and fake beard. Things get a little hectic. People start yelling at Grey Hulk for attacking Santa. Through the course of things they find out as bad as their situation is, The Rhino has it worse than they do.
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A Miracle a Few Blocks Down from 32nd Street" (Marvel Holiday Special 1991): All is calm in the X-Mansion on Christmas Eve until Cerebro detects the most powerful mutant signature it has ever recorded. One that makes Franklin Richards seem like Eye-Scream. (Go look him up-- he's a real character.) The X-Men, as always, go to investigate. What do they find? Saint Nicholas. And of course as the laws of Christmas specials work- he needs their help. It is told in flashback to the early to mid Claremont era- Kitty Pryde is conspicuously absent. One must only assume she that after dealing with the N'garai the year before, she wanted to get away from the school long before the holidays hit. And I'm not going to tell you how this one ends either. For all you know- Santa travels off into space and give a lost colony of Broccoli people another solar flare for Christmas.
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JLA #60: Okay-- Woozy Winks's nephew won't go to sleep on Christmas Eve. And he's decided he doesn't believe in Santa. So- shades of the Princess Bride- Plastic Man decides to tell him a story about how Santa Claus was a member of the Justice League. His tale revolves around Neron almost taking over the world on Christmas. And since Plastic Man is the one telling the story the only ones who don't come off looking like morons are Santa Claus and himself. In fact Santa comes off as kind of a bad ass. Plastic Man's tale is eventually added and abetted by some of his JLA pals--- but there is a surprise visitor who finds the whole thing even more amusing.
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DC Comics Presents #67: Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through Metropolis, not a creature was stirring save for The Toyman. Schott is distributing his mind controlling toys with care- in hopes the Kal-El soon would be there. With the traps set- his doom would appear-- so it's a team up with Santa and the rhyming stops here. But yeah-- that's basically the plot. Toy Man is on a robbing spree spending so much on gizmos and doohickeys that he could never expect to break even on this caper. Anyway- Superman has trouble believing the whole thing is happening at first. Though once he does, he finds out that he and Santa have a great deal of respect for one another. It would be near perfect if not for the 'it was a dream-- or was it' ending common to these types of stories.
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Sensational She-Hulk #8: Okay- She-Hulk has a client who is accused of being a serial killer. She thinks he's innocent. She gets a call from this guy who claims to be Nicholas St. Christopher (aka: Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus) who claims to have information and evidence that can prove it. Yeah- like a DA is going to buy that. She still needs to get the evidence. So can she believe the truth about the mysterious stranger? Even if she does can she convince anybody else? Those are really dumb questions. She-Hulk was a humor book. When was the last time you read a mainstream humor book with a depressing Christmas story? Still it is funny as hell watching the story go through its paces.
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Yes, Virginia There Is an Santron (Marvel Holiday Special 2005): What happens if you tamper with Ultron around Christmas time? If you guessed The Avengers end up fighting a killer robot Santa in front of a bunch of kids-- then you're absolutely correct. As you can probably see by this and other entries down the road the best super hero holiday specials don't take themselves too seriously. This one starts at silly and goes further and further a field. I mean normally Spider-Man gets a few jokes in but here everyone gets their yucks in. Even Wolverine. Though if you think about it-- the premise is kind of creepy. Which is just a segue into...
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Christmas with The Joker (Batman: The Animated Series): It is amazing this episode got past standards and practices. It's got explosions. It's got violence. It's got abductions. It's got torture of women and police officers. It's got-- well everything you would want in a Christmas special, really. While it is incredibly funny- it isn't really played for laughs which is why the comedy works. The writers have even said they wrote it expecting maybe a quarter of what they put in would make it to the screen and were shocked to see it produced almost exactly as it was submitted. It's an also perfect Batman story for the holidays.
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Demon (Uncanny X-Men #143): Ah, Christmas- a time for presents, food, family and demons. Where the stockings are hung from the chimney with care in hopes that Saint Nicolas soon would be-wait did I just say demons? Yes, I did. Who can stop this Christmasy crisis? Why Sprite (aka Kitty Pryde) of course. Yep, a whole horde of impossibly strong demons against one fourteen year old girl. Those poor, poor, N'garai don't know what they are getting into. Even with a half broken danger room and almost no fighting skills, Kitty manages to kick their butt using brains and luck. While it is a little bit more of a horror story than your typical Christmas issue- it is a fun read. If you read only one demons try to ruin Christmas comic next holiday season, I recommend this one.
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The Ambush Bug Holiday Stocking Stuffer: Long before zombies were the darlings of internet humor there was this piece of magic from DC Comics. Cheeks the Toy Wonder, Ambush Bug's long dead sidekick and adopted child, is back from the dead and eating the flesh of toys. And for some reason Ambush Bug is harassing characters from DC's canceled Atari Force comics and having flashbacks to Vietnam. There is a lot of funny stuff there as Ambush Bug does his Christmas shopping, interacts with characters DC has been trying for decades to deny they ever published while finding new creative ways to retain the trademarks and even finds time to poke fun at Crisis on Infinite Earths. A great little story as long as you don't crave things like logic or plot.
And as an added bonus the greatest super heroes created for other media.
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Gleek: Yes, Gleek. The only character on the original Superfriends who had a personality of his own. Sure- he was aping Scooby Doo, sorry- I couldn't resist the pun, but at least his actions were distinguishable from anyone else's. He opened the door for many other original characters to show up- most of them even less defined than the main cast. Still- when you're three years old there is a certain charm to Gleek. I have some fond memories of playing Superfriends as a small child. I usually wanted to be Gleek even when no one was playing the Wonder Twins.
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Ultraman (Japan): I make no secret of my love of super heroes. Nor do I attempt to mask my love of cheesy Japanese monster movies. What happens when you combine super heroes and Japanese monster movies? You get Ultraman. A guy who turns into a giant robot and fights giant monsters. No matter how much stuff he smashes- the people love him. It's goofy. It's ridiculous. The effects were cheesy even for the 1960s. In a word- it is completely craptastic. The only way it could get more campy was if--- um--- I don't really know how to finish that sentence.
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The Mythtastic Five: Myth Girl. Grant Man. The Spasm, Brown Echo Locating Flying Nocturnal Mammal Man and The Walrus. Together they can make a pretty good rapid climbing device and can change clothes rapidly in a phone booth. However they failed to make a grappling gun for climbing or making really fast turns in a speeding automobile. They can't even make a ring shaped imprint on the skin of their enemies. In fact-- in turns out they are much better at their day jobs of busting or confirming urban myths and movie legends as The Mythbusters. They might be the only super heroes in history who have cooler civilian identities than costumed alter egos.
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Captain Planet: I might be jumping the gun but- yeah 90s nostalgia time people. That's when every kids show had at least one environmentally themed episode. Captain Planet on the other hand had an environmentally theme almost every week and came up with weirder and weirder ways to write in various sci-fi tropes from people mutating into rats, to time travel, to evil clones, to mad computers or killer game shows. The only times the deviated from stories about the environment were for episodes about drug use and HIV. What is truly amazing is how many big name actors they got for guest villains. Most of the bigger names like Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan, Sting and Martin Sheen only stuck around for a season or two. In Sting's case he was replaced by the equally impressive David Warner and later by Malcolm McDowell. Yes, the show got preachy at times but it was a great way to kill a Sunday morning or even an early Saturday while waiting for the real cartoons to start.
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The Blue Beetle: This is one is sort of a given. You see- most people think Ted Kord was the second Blue Beetle. He wasn't. He was the third. There was an old radio hero called The Blue Beetle. Much like his later comic book counterpart his real name was Dan Garret. However the 40s radio hero and the 60s comic book super hero are not supposed to be the same character. Most of the episodes have been unavailable for decades. I haven't gotten a chance to listen to them and his spot here is pretty much ceremonial. Without the first Dan Garret, there wouldn't have been the second Dan Garret. Without the second Dan Garret- there would be no Ted Kord or Jaime Reyes.
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The Greatest American Hero: As a child of the 80s, I'm obliged to like this. I remember watching this almost every Saturday Night when I was very young. I don't know remember any particular episode but I remember liking the whole concept of aliens choosing someone because they are destined to do something good and then screwing up. Luckily for them, the screw up probably wound up doing a better job than the guy who was supposed to be the hero. Really most of what I remember was the theme song. A local park still has it as one of the songs they play on their Carousel.
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SuperGrover: Is your cat stuck up a tree? Did you lose your house key? Did you get lost on your way home from school? Have no fear- your furry blue friend SuperGrover will help you. Granted he will get himself- and possibly half the neighborhood- stuck up the tree. He will break one of your windows to open the door. And he will definitely get you to make all sorts of crazy turns until you are back to the very spot where you first noticed you were lost in the first place. SuperGrover is great at flying. Who knows maybe one of these days he might actually learn how to land. Somehow I doubt it.
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The Pie Man: When the city of Springfield is plagued with disaster problems-- well disasters that aren't caused by Homer J. Simpson- they have a hero they know they can depend on. A man who stands for truth, justice or something like that. Well-- okay they don't. They turn to The Pie Man who gives life's little annoyance just a little comeuppance in the form of a pie to the face. He keeps a secret identity not to project his family but because people would suspect he's taking all those pies for a midnight snack. What really makes Pie Man a hero is that he will splat anyone- from Mayor Quimby, to Moe Szylak all the the way up Springfield's ladder of corruption up to C. Montgomery Burns. Okay- not him. He's old and it would kill him. He'd splat Smithers though and that is sort of like splatting Burns by proxy.
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The Incredibles: I simply adore this team. The family seems as real as any group of animated super heroes possibly could. You have the stubborn father: Mr. Incredible. Elasti-Girl spunky and somewhat of a worry wart mother. Dash- the young boy with superspeed and AD/HD. Jack-Jack the normal baby. And Violet- the one who mysteriously sounds like frequent This American Life guest (and historian/humorist) Sarah Vowell. As much as they may get upset with the day to day Super Hero life- they still manage to see it as a great 'family fun time' activity.
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Firestar: I know what you're thinking. Much like Blue Beetle, Firestar is part of a bigger universe. She has been a member of The New Warriors, The Young Allies and even The Avengers. What is she doing on the heroes created for other media list? Well some of you fanboys might not know this but her first appearance wasn't in Uncanny X-Men. No, that's just the book that made the most sense to introduce the character into on Earth 616. Her real place of origin was on Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends. She just turned out to be so popular that that Marvel decided since they owned the character they should use her in the actual comics. Her popularity has never returned to the level it had been at during the early 80s but she has made a very strong home for herself in mainline Marvel. Enough that most people don't know that the cartoon appearances came first.
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