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Two days before the end of the year 2013 I stumbled across an article that had the predictions of some of the most prominent "Psychics" from around the world. I use the term Psychic loosely as I believe much like the character Patrick Jane on The Mentalist, that there is no such thing as Psychics. On the other hand, there are people out there that believe in this sort of thing even though most of the time the predictions they make about the future are very vague and can be interpreted as almost anything anywhere happening to make it seem true.
So, right here in the January 2014 issue of the Collector Times I am going to make predictions about what will happen in 2014 based on things I just pull out of my brain thinker.
First, there will be horrible flooding in the Pacific Northwest this spring. On April 15th the cities of Seattle and Portland will each be under five feet of water, and the clean-up will take months and costs will be paid for by a joint venture of Microsoft and Starbucks in Seattle, and by a cabal of musicians headed up by the rappers Jay-Z, and Diddy.
Second, Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose will die from a heart attack after trying to go on tour with his new band "Chinese Democracy." He will oddly enough die on the Great Wall of China after an all night binge of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, cole slaw and chocolate pudding from a chain of fast food chicken places that are big here in the states and even bigger over there. A toxicology report will show that it was Digoxin in the cole slaw that caused the cardiac event. He will die on May 1st and the toxicology report will come back June 14th. . Death will be reported on TMZ.com first because all the other news outlets will not care.
Third, Donald Trump will decide that he's had enough of the jokes and finally reveal to the world that his hair is in fact real, really glued onto his head as it is a hairpiece. This will happen on an episode of a reality show he is starting about buying up land from people who have owned it for generations and then attempt to build a successful golf course on it. The episode will go on to garner a .05/.1 share in the ratings for NBC and will lead to the resignation of the Chairman of NBC who is oddly enough, Donald Trump. This will happen on June 23 at 8:00 pm CT.
Fourth, the internet will go down in a cyber attack of biblical proportions by hackers from Anonymous, the NSA and elements of other countries government cyber attack programs. People will riot in the streets all around the world because they do not have access to their Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. After much wringing of hands and things of that nature, the government tells all the major providers to pull the power plug to all their internet routers and leave them that way until further notice. Eventually the government gets involved in something else and forgets to tell the ISP's to plug the power back into their routers. As a result, the people who have not gone mad from lack of internet (a third of the US population) will be at home sitting and reading books and enjoying life. All of this will happen on the Third of November.
Fifth and final. Major retailers will decide not to have any Black Friday sales this year because of the lousy Black Friday sales they had this past year (2013). Instead they will all stay open 24 hours a day until the morning of Christmas Eve when there is a massive walk out by the employees in the stores because of the wages they were paid and the benefits they do not get because most stores have their employees work less than the 32 hours a week needed to classify them as full time workers. As a result, the major retailers will shutter their brick and mortar stores and focus on selling things door to door and through catalogs and shipping it to your house via special drones. This will also lead to the downfall of the US Postal Service when the combined might of UPS and FedEx handle all shipping (that cannot be done with drones) and letter needs. During this time Amazon will start setting up bookstores with actual books that you can go in, read and purchase. Starting in the spring semester of 2015 for all major colleges/universities Amazon will replace the on-campus bookstore and they will have plenty of stock on hand and the prices will be reasonable.
(Please note that this is in no way meant to be serious. If any of these things happen then I will buy a hat of bacon, cook up said hat and eat it. I honestly hope that no blind squirrels find their way into the machinations to make one of these happen. And, as always, NO Wagering!)
E-mail: mlbcollectortimes@gmail.com
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