single white lesbian male, 24, seeks attractive, like-minded female human beings, ages 6-90, for immature relationships in new jersey/new york metropolitan area, unless she wants to financially sponsor my relocation to her part of the world, which must be a likeable, technologically up-to-date place with cheap rent, decent local adult entertainment, and a major league baseball team within 2 hours driving distance.
interests should include but not be limited to: sex, wasting time on computers, comic books, toys, video games, major league baseball, professional wrestling, drinking (i don't, but someone's gotta...), polygamy, yellow journalism, sloth, greed, envy, lust, anger, gluttony, vanity, appolonia, mayte, cat, wendy, lisa, sheila e...oops...pornography, movin' it on tha floor, butchery of the english language, psychedelic drugs, inciting riots, the use of kitchen untensils for illicit, sexually deviant purposes, midgets, boo berry cereal, excess, the glorification of the holy substance known as meister brau, teddy bears, laughing, lashing out angrily at a world that we didn't ask to be born into, much less ask to have to endure things like "soft rock" radio stations, light beer, the ridicule of our alleged peers, most of whom couldn't put a ripple on an eeg machine, people we actually do like suddenly dropping dead, and celine dion breathing our air...oh, and music.
all applicants must be willing to accept my rather sudden mood swings, complete lack of coherent direction or motivation in life, occasional recreational drug use, lewd, tasteless jokes, frequent forays to titty bars, refusal to answer phone calls during the monday night wrestling shows, constant flashing of the devil sign hand gesture, often accompanied by me yelling "slayer!" loudly, and a tendency to listen to music no one else in their right mind likes. and yes, that includes liberal doses of lionel richie.
i am a touchy, ornery sort, and there are a good deal of things that i don't like. any replies from people guilty of the following will be conveniently filed in the "i'd rather dry hump a bear trap" file: just about any "militant" political or social stance, aside from militant hedonism; tori amos fandom; not having a mind of your own; extreme codependency; moral imperialism; come to think of it, just about anything with 'ism' in it other than the aforementioned hedonism, lesbianism, alcoholism, and godineedtobenearscottcrawfordanddevotemylifetohissorryassori'mgoingtodieandyetat thesametimehesfreetolivehislifegotostripclubsandgetwastedwithhisfriendsism; any vegetarian/vegans who make rude comments while i'm trying to ingest the carcasses and/or byproducts of animals that were born into slavery, tortured, and killed so that ignorant folk like me can eat them; believing that double standards should work out in your favor rather than mine; and anyone who disguises the concept of "subjugation, emasculation, and ultimately dehumanization" with that cute little word known as "compromise". i've listened to dio records, so i know who you are, and can spot you all a mile away.
interested parties should contact sdcrawford@earthlink.net, and should include the url of the most recent picture taken of you, a few lines about yourself, and an essay of about 100 words, on the positive effect that guns 'n' roses' "appetite for destruction" album has had on your life, particularly your sexlife. thank you, and remember to have stupid people spayed or neutered.
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