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Well, folks, I'm going to start the 2001 pile o' bad indie comics reviewing
with a bang! That's right, I chose the worst of my stack of "to be
reviewed" and I'm ready to tear it apart!
Now, don't get me wrong. I like my bad indie books. They may be bad,
but they give me stuff to review for a few months, so if I don't get to the
comic shop on time (yes, I only go once a month) or there's nothing new
and interesting to review, I can still turn something in! Oh yes, and I feel
good because it's not my money that's wasted on really bad comics....
bwuhahahaha!
Ok, enough introduction. This month's victim is Artesia #1 (out of 6).
Actually, I feel more like I've been victimized by the comic. It's that bad.
I don't even know where to start on the badness. Ok, the book is named
after the main character, a fighter chick apparently with some magic
powers of some sort, who leads armies for her lordly boyfriend. Of
course, like any warrior chick leading armies, she wears stupid armor. The
top half looks like something a Conquistador would wear, and actually
covers everything, but on her bottom half all she's wearing is almost
thigh high armored boots and a chain mail bikini-esque bottom. I kid you
not. Oh, and she can't be bothered by a helmet. I can just see her
thinking, "HEY! I'm going into battle tomorrow. I think I'll leave my head
open, so someone can lop it off, and my legs uncovered, so someone
could easily cripple me."
Oh, yes, and she rides home in that armor. It's gotta chafe.
And that's just the beginning of the stupidity. This comic has a mature
readers rating, for good reason. Lotsa naked death spirit chicks flying
around and kissing scantily clad warrior bimbo girl. That's super-stupid
scene #1. Super-stupid scene #2 comes when Artesia comes home and
goes and visits with her boyfriend's other concubines (all 5 of them!).
Apparently our dear armored girl used to be part of lord-boy's harem, and
the next couple pages show the 5 bimbo concubines trying to convince
her that being a concubine is better than being a warrior... Yep, better a
bed than a battle field, that's their motto.
Now, maybe I'm biased because I've spent the past month playing a
tough-chick role playing character that would much rather spend her life
killing various monsters than have anything to do with men, but I really
think this is one of the stupidest exchanges I've ever seen in a comic. So,
these girls LIKE being part of a harem? They like sharing their man with 4-
5 other women? Well, I guess if he needs half a dozen girls in his harem
and sends one of them to fight his battles for him, I'd want other girls to
be keeping him busy, too, but I sure wouldn't be glad to be his and I sure
as hell wouldn't try to convince someone else how great it was.
I just love the deluded male fantasy that all harem girls must be eager
nymphomaniacs who enjoy being used whenever their lord decides he
feels like a blond instead of a brunette. I mean, it's one step above
prostitution.
But I digress. Even aside from that, the book still sucks. We've got some
religious dudes teaming up with the apparently traitorious lord-boy to
hunt down Artesia because she's obviously a witch. Whatever.
The only thing this book has going for it is nice art. It reminds me a lot
of Charles Vess' style, and it's either painted, or done with some computer
program to make it look painted (I'm voting for the latter). It has a very
nice water-colored look to it. But it can't save the bad story. There's also
an interesting-looking "Guide to the Divine" which explains all the gods
and goddesses in the pantheon featured in the book (I think they made it
up, none of the names look familiar. Fictional pantheons are cool, but this
book stuff sucks.). Unfortunately, the book is so bad that I can't bring
myself to read the whole thing on the pantheon, just glance at it as I'm
doing the review.
Oh yes, Artesia is written and drawn by Mark Smylie. It's produced by
Sirius. I should have said that sooner but I was too busy ranting.
In closing, this book isn't worth 2.95, the art can't save the dumb story
and the rampant male fantasies (warrior women who wear no pants, death
spirits that are beautiful naked women, willing concubines, the idea that
anyone with a brain would like this comic...), and I'm glad I don't have to
read all 6 issues.
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