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From $10 million to $10 (budget-wise)
Hey everyone, your favorite homicidal
Rastafarian cave dweller is back this month with
another jam packed edition of bad movie reviews..
this Month I'll be reviewing "John Woo's The
Killer", "Citizen Toxie: Toxic Avenger 4", "Terror
Firmer (Complete double DVD review)", and last
but not least, $la$her$ which didn't make it in the
Fantasia review just because I was trying to score
an interview with the director, but that didn't work
out like I planned it to. So sit back, look at your Alf
dolls, action figures, reload your semi automatic
handguns, give yourself a spine enema and get
ready for some more skin tissue covered reviews
by the man who brought you "cult boy's cult fest of
cults."
John Woo's The Killer
Before I start this review I've got to say, I think
John Woo was a terrific action film director. All his
Hong Kong action films have heightened the
standards one after the other, making it harder and
harder for directors in Hong Kong to make a good
action film to compete. But in my opinion, ever
since he moved over to Hollywood, making movies
like Mission Impossible 2, he's turned mediocre and
pathetic. I think Face/off was the first movie
showing the disintegration of his skills, although that
movie is quite action packed, it's nothing compared
to watching The Killer. So, on to the review.
Chow Yun Fat stars as a hired assassin who,
when on a hit, accidentally blinds a woman with his
gunfire. He then falls in love with her and questions
whether he should still be a hired assassin or if he
should give it all up and open up a little shop or
something. On the other end we have Danny Lee,
an overworked cop who at first is hired to stop
Chow from doing his job (assassinating a big
political figure).
Lots of gun fights ensue, with crazy sniper shots
and double Uzi takes, the body count is raised to
the level of 200. When Chow is double-crossed by
the mob in a big shoot out, he gets away from the
scene shot and bleeding and in to a church. Lee
tracks him down and they have a small
confrontation as Chow gets away. Lee then finds
out about the little blind girl who plays piano in a
small restaurant, he also finds out that Chow is
taking care of her, giving her money and helping her
with small things. So he tracks him down using the
blind girl and they have yet another show down
where lots of upholstery is blazed and damaged.
They then realize that they are on the same mission
to take down the mob, so they team up and go after
the mob, more bullets get fired and the body count
is raised to a higher number, finishing it all off in an
all out war at the church which I won't give away.
You need to see this scene to understand how
insane it is! So run over and rent it now! or better
yet! If you like action movies, I can guarantee this
one is worth a rent.
Citizen Toxie: Toxic Avenger IV
The latest and greatest installment in the Toxic
avenger series, with a bright display at the start
begging fans to please forget Toxie 1 & 2 because
they were trash and blew goats and all that fun stuff.
Starting with a school shooting in a school for
special kids, this movie is bound to offend every
viewer. The diaper mafia are crazy son's of guns
until the scantly clad Bay Watch babe and Toxie
show up and pull out their spines. A strange
explosion sends Toxie into another dimension
called Amortville and the evil Noxie into Tromaville.
All chaos breaks loose!! Will Toxie find his way
back to Troma ville? Will Noxie rule Tromaville
with his evil doings? ThatÂ’s for you to find out.
I thought this movie was awesome, better then
the first one even, lots of gore, nudity, swearing,
and all the stuff a b-movie should have!! Toxie is
back and he's come back with a punch, a sidekick
or two, an evil villain and a strong.... story line!! for
real! the story makes no sense but it actually
follows itself through most of the movie. I laughed,
I cried, I even went to the bathroom a couple of
times. And when it was all said and done, I watched
it again... and again! Troma releases another cult hit, drenched in spinal
fluid.
$la$her$
I caught this little movie at Fantasia, I didn't review it for the
reasons previously stated.. This movie is about an American premiere of a big
Japanese TV game show where normal people, like you and me, are pitted in an arena
with 3 mentally unstable psycho killers. Thejr names? Chainsaw Charlie, Preacher
Man and Doctor Ripper. This movie has the basic Running Man script except not
the same budget. Filmed overnight in a paintball arena in Montreal, this movie
offers quite a few scares and an extreme amount of gore, 1 nudie scene (ala
night vision cam) and lots of screaming and crying. I really enjoyed
watching this film in a theater because everyone there was
really into it and everyone was screaming and
laughing. Whereas I couldn't see myself just
watching this movie alone at home.
Well.. That's it for this month, umm.. I'd like to give
a big thanks to Troma for sending me those press
kits and the screener for Toxie 4 since I missed it at
Fantasia, and I'd like to give a shout out to Superior
Clumping Cat Litter for making my weekend a lot
easier!
Jon Morrell
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