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As we return to the immensely popular "How To" series, some
of the readers must be wondering "Why does he keep beating a
dead horse?" The answer to that is, of course, "Its much easier
than trying to catch a living one."
Speaking of dead horses, it was a very close contest this month,
but the winner of last months competition was our very own
Sheryl Roberts. Not only was she the first person to enter, but
she was also the only person. Due to the questionable nature of
her entry, I am cursing her with a piece of my own, original
artwork. This is a gift of dubious quality. If anyone else would
like to be cursed, or just wants to give me an excuse to use the
word "dubious" again, scroll down to the bottom of this page
(be sure to use the scrolly part of your mouse), and check out
this months contest.
Without any prior or further ado, heres this months column, titled:
"Darn You Beast, Get Back Here With That," or
"How to Keep Your Cat out of Your Dice." **
I like cats. I really do. Cats like me also. Unfortunately for me,
the word like used in that first sentence, and the word like used
in that third sentence are very different. For me, liking cats
means that I will pet them, give them attention, food, and water,
and try to provide a good home for them. For cats, liking me
means that Im a great place for them to sharpen their teeth and
claws.
Cats have highly trained, hair triggered killer instincts. These
instincts bring them in direct conflict with any small objects
moving at high velocity, namely, dice. If youve read the How
To Roll Dice article, you should know better to read something
else that Ive written. If youre still reading this, then Im
wondering why I havent received my check.
While having the cat help you roll your dice may be amusing to
start with, this amusement will quickly fade as the instincts
continue to kick in. Eventually, they will start to eat the die, and
carry it off. If your cat "likes" you, you may find a dead or
partially living die on your bed. While this might seem cute,
depending on how you "find" the die, it might not (at least to
you). On this subject, I would like to note that four-sided dice
can be relatively sharp.
What follows is a scientific approach to ending the relationship
between cat and die. With the aid of my two masters, Xunalira
and Topher, we went over nine different methods of cat/dice
control. While step 7 and 9 seemed to have the most success,
the cats enjoyed success in all of them. As far as humans go, we
should admit defeat to our superiors. This data is effectively
organized into four parts: Step description, Time Gained,
Results, and Reason Failed.
Step 1: As a nice human being, and a cat enthusiast, ask your
cat nicely to stop.
Time Gained: 0.5 seconds.
Results:The cat will look at you for a moment, if you use their
name.
Reason Failed: Most cats dont speak English. Like most higher
beings, they would not want to lower themselves to a Man-
Animals level. ***
Step 2: Yell at the cat.
Time Gained: 0.0 seconds
Results: The cat will ignore you as it continues to demonstrate its
superior hunting abilities on your dice.
Reason Failed: While it is generally understood that cats
recognize their own name, and your tone of voice, the cat will
assume that you are mistakenly using its name. Obviously one
as lowly as you would not dare to insult a creature as superior as
itself with such an impetuous tone of voice.
Step 3: Pick up the dice and move them.
Time Gained: 0.5 - 300 seconds
Results: This is where the cats will demonstrate their tracking
prowress. Unfortunately for most of them, they are well suited
for the house. These cats did not demonstrate the ability to
locate the dice until they were rolled again. They are rather
quick, however, and will certainly locate your hand trying to
interpose itself between them and their prey. Not recommended
unless you enjoy ritual scarring.
Reason Failed: While dice may not leave a visible trail, cats have
acute hearing. Dice make noise when rolled (fortunately, they
dont make noise when being attacked).
Step 4: Pick up the cat and move them.
Time Gained: 1.0 seconds
Results: This will possibly distract the cat for a moment, as they
ponder the audacity of the human manhandling them. After this,
most of the sharp protrusions of their body will find their way
into your flesh. Like Step3, this one is not recommended.
Reason Failed: By the time you can clean out the wounds and
stop the bleeding, the cat will have located the dice again.
Step 5: Lock the cat in another room.
Time Gained: Varies, depends on composition of the door
Results: After a few moments required to orient itself, the cat will
attempt to chew and claw its way through whatever is keeping it
from its interests . . . namely the dice and the person that locked it
in the room. Oddly enough, its intentions for both seem rather
similar. At the same time, it will emit a piercing, howling noise,
vaguely similar to a banshee. If youve tried one of the previous
two steps already, or have some knowledge of banshees and cat
psychology, you will note the unsettling connections between the
two. If one is renting, or values ones privacy, this step is not
recommended.
Reason Failed: Claws are sharper than wood.
Step 6: Use magnetic dice.
Time Gained: 0.5
Results: Magnetic dice are a great idea. Instead of being able to
carry one die off, the cat can carry the whole bunch at once.
Reason Failed: See results.
Step 7: Purchase an additional set of "sacrificial" dice.
Time Gained: Indefinite, depends on ones supply of dice.
Approximately 5-10 seconds per die.
Results: Throughout history, man has sacrificed things to their
gods, whatever they may be. Should it be any different for cats?
They were once worshipped as gods, and they have not
forgotten this (nor have they realized that times have changed).
This step was largely successful. The cats managed to seek and
destroy dice, and cause general annoyance. I managed to
distract the cat with quickly moving dice. Luckily, the dice
moved well across the room. When the cat figured out that it
wasnt going to move anymore, and came back, I would throw
another. The cat accepted this tribute.
Reason Failed: I ran out of sacrificial dice.
Step 8: Play at a friends house.
Time Gained: Amount of time it takes to get to friends house.
Results: Since the cats are left behind, they are unable to pillage
your dice.
Reason Failed: Your friends cat is.
Step 9: Adopt an additional cat, make sure they notice each
other.
Time Gained: Indefinite, depends on the stamina of the cats
involved.
Results: Being a relatively skilled GM, at this point I attempted
to control the cats how I would players, by working them off of
each other. **** Cats are very territorial, and having another
one in its hunting ground will cause the two of them to either
wrestle for dominance, or one to chase the other around the
house like a maniac. In either case, they will keep each other
busy for a while. The closer in stamina, speed, and strength you
can get the two cats, the more effective this step will be.
Reason Failed: This step did not fail, but it has some unfortunate
side effects. The cats do not only notice each other when you
are roleplaying. They will notice each other while you are
attempting to sleep, or perhaps even sitting on the couch reading
the newspaper. A flying, fleeing cat will generally have its
climbing gear on. Nuff said.
Conclusion: There is no real way to keep your cat from your
dice. Like an incurable disease, this can only be treated. Many
of these treatments bring pain. If you enjoy this, then that is an
added benefit. Also, please email me, as I always like to meet
GMs and GMs to be.
This months contest: What roleplaying system uses the following
attribute names: ME, MA, PS, PP, PE, IQ, PB and SPD?
Anyone who emails me will be mentioned, and if you happen to
get it right, I might even say good things about you. The first
person to email me with a correct answer will get something
special.
** Note: Some readers might not have cats, and so might feel
left out. Theres no reason to feel that way. Please, feel free to
laugh at and belittle those roleplayers that are silly enough to
have at least one. Or, adopt a cat, if only to practice these
steps. If youre not sure if you should be a cat owner, ask
yourself this one question: "Do you enjoy pain so much, that
you would hire someone else just to hurt you?" If your answer
is yes, or anything similar to that word, then a cat is the right pet
for you. You also might want to take up GMing. If the answer
is no, then I suggest substituting one of your own pet-type for
the word cat in this article. In fact, you may want to do this
anyway. For kicks and giggles, try doing a find/replace on the
word cat, replacing it with the words pet rock.
***Note: At this point, take a shot.
****Note: If you have not already, please read the GMing
articles prior to this one. Since youre not going to read them
anyway, Im not giving you a specific one.
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