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Watching Lord of the Rings on Thursday night, I couldn't help but be
reminded that the man who directed this is also the man who directed many of
my favorite b-movies, such as Dead Alive, Meet the Feebles, and the one
we'll be focusing on this month, Bad Taste. Sitting in the darkened room, I
couldn't help but make connections in the story line... Sure, J.R.R. Tolkien
wrote this story around fifty years ago before Peter Jackson was born, but
who's to say he didn't base Bad Taste on Lord of the Rings? You laugh now,
but wait till I whip out the facts, ladies and gentlemen.
When you look at it, the stories are pretty similar, save for a few small,
unimportant things. Before I start the comparison, I'm going to have to put
you in a certain mindset. Now, in front of you, you have Lord of the Rings
in all it's glory... remove the ring from the story. Thats right! The magic
ring, forget about it! Now we can start.
Frodo Vs. Derek(spoken with a New Zealander accent) - Frodo Baggins, who is
always getting into trouble, gets stabbed, poked at and infected with the
dark rider plague (Thats probably not what its called, but you know what I
mean!) and no matter how much shit he goes through, he always stands up
again. With all his limbs. Derek, Bad Tastes protagonist falls off a cliff
early in the movie, hitting his head on every jagged rock on the way down
and is not to be seen for another 10 minutes. He then head butts a bird and
gets up only to realize theres a big crack in the back of his head and his
brains are oozing out, no problem... he just puts a hat on or ties a tie
around his head and he's fine! Just like Frodo would do.
Ozzy Vs. Gimli - Ok, so you have Ozzy, the stereotypical 80s metalhead of
Bad Taste(no, its not Ozzy Osbourne, just some fruitcake named Ozzy.) He
has the hair, he has the muscle, he has the muscle car and most important of
all, he listens to heavy metal music. Now you have Gimli, he's got missing
teeth, long hair and a beard, and a total reckless attitude, I mean this guy
will head-butt your mother while burning your house down... just like a
metal head would do. If I saw this dude in a bar, I'd most likely crap
myself. If Lord Of the Rings was set in present time, he'd be a metal
head... trust me!
Old Man Alien Vs. Saruman - Old Man Alien, he has no name but if you've seen
the movie, you'd know that he's the leader of the alien pack. He's an old
guy who gives out orders and also the first one to turn into an evolved,
uncomfortable state. In Lord of the Rings, you have Saruman, a powerful
wizard who can totally kick anyones ass, and is supposed to be a good guy,
but cowering under the power of the ring (I know its out of the story,
lets just pretend he went senile), he decides he wants to join forces with
the evil likes of Sauron, and tries to talk Gandalf into doing the same,
leading to a face- off between the two. He then summons and commands all
these Orcs to do his bidding, as they would say.
Weird headed aliens Vs. Orcs - So you have these aliens in Bad Taste that
seem to come at the protagonist and his boys in unlimited amounts, and only
start looking cool towards the end of the film, but no matter how many there
are, Derek and pals always seem to be able to plow right through them. In
Lord Of the Rings, Frodo and the gang deal with all kinds of different
monsters, which here can be presented to you as the aliens before they
transform and then, when Saruman gets all pissy in his pants, he brings the
orcs to life and makes them work cheap, making weapons and crap only to have
them launch a full attack onto the Hobbit and his unsuspecting compatriots.
Here you have the evolved state of the Aliens in Bad Taste.
Lots of Weapons Vs. Lots of Weapons - Bad Taste slaps you in the ass with
pistols, shotguns, machine guns, rail guns, bazookas, chainsaws and daggers,
plenty of choice weapons to rip any annoying, world conquering aliens. Lord
of the Rings also gives your buttocks a fair enough slap with broadswords,
short swords, magical swords, axes, daggers, bows, staffs, and nice little
hats to fight the evil forces of Saruman.
Gore Vs. Gore - Bad Taste comes across as a gory film. True, you'll never
see a man cut up an alien and wear its skin as a disguise in any other
movie, nor will you see sheep being so brutally murdered by the good guys
for no other reason then poor aim. Humans eating alien barf to hide the fact
that they're human in a house of a thousand aliens who are having a slight
craving for killing humans, you won't see that on Oprah.. wait, maybe you
will... Anyways, LotR (short for Lord of the Rings) offers the same thing
maybe on a milder level, but not much really. You've got beheadings, battles
the likes Braveheart can't even compete with, a man keeping his grounds,
even after being shot in the chest 3 times with arrows, a giant monster who
lives in a cave and likes to smash things with his big rock bat and almost
turns Frodo into squash. So far so good.
Flying SpaceShip houses Vs. Big magical flying eagles - Both these two films
delve into the mystical and magical, In Bad Taste, you have a house that
takes off from the ground and flies away into the sky, all magical like. In
Lord of the Rings, Gandalf, when in deepest crap, is rescued by an oversized
eagle to be released from his impending doom.
Lack of Ron Jeremy Vs. Lack of Ron Jeremy - Youre probably thinking to
yourself, "What the hell is he talking about?!" It's ok, I get that a lot.
Ron Jeremy has come forward as an icon of the year 2000. He is the swiftest
gazelle you've ever seen, and he blesses the screen of over 1000 movies,
most of which will be found behind those little flapping doors at your video
store. But honestly folks, his face radiates any movie he ever touches.
Terror Firmer, Toxie 4, Class of Nukem High 3, and all kinds of other Troma
films. Now you're probably thinking, "Yeah... but who would he play in Lord
of the Rings?" Easy! He could play anyone. Hobbit- he's got the physique and
he's pretty hairy. Gandalf - Ron's magic has already touched many of our
hearts, I can see him being a wizard, couldn't you? Now, who could he be in
Bad Taste? Same rules apply. He could be an alien, he could be Derek, he
could even be Ozzy. Ron Jeremy is the most multi-talented man in the world.
No joke, folks.
What kind of reviewer would I be if I didn't show you both sides of the
spectrum? Sure there are things these two films don't have in common, but
that s just because of their running time.
Unrated Vs. PG-13 - The ratings are much more different, but that s just
because Mr. Jackson toned down Lord of the Rings so that little cherubs
could go see it and have a good time as well. Now Bad Taste is just little
bit more bloody and aimed towards grown ups and wacky teenagers, so it s
gotten an unrated rating because of all the blood, guts, and other bodily
fluids sprayed across the screen.
109 Million $ American Vs. 150,000 $ American - There is a huge gap between
budgets, but with big names (Lord of the Rings) comes big budgets. Bad Taste
was an idea put together by Jackson and all the other starring characters
and was shot on weekends when no one was working. Lord Of the Rings, on the
other hand, is based on the popular series of books and has a lot of hype on
it. If it were to be a $150,000 picture, I don't think most of the fans
would be happy with the outcome, for it truly does take a big budget to
accomplish such special effect feats.
So as you can see ladies and gentlemen, Lord of the Rings and Bad Taste are
simply footsteps away from each other. They share the same story, characters
and lack there of. They're like two neighbors who've lived along side each
other but have never met. Now if I've ruined what you thought of Lord of the
Rings by soiling it with Bad Taste, I apologize. This article was all
written in good fun and Peter Jackson will always kick a lot of ass, no
matter how big or small his budget is. This has been brought to you by the
letter G, why the letter G? I don't know. 3:04A.M. END.
(I'd like to thank Adria Fillion for filling me in with all the proper names
and references that I didn't know in Lord of the Rings, friggin' geek... )
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