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Its been a long, hot, busy month, and I found myself with a lack of ideas
for my column. Id already done my rant and rave about Comic Con
International and two reviews, and had my hands full with housework,
beading projects, more comics to review, an Earthdawn game to run, a
couple of games to make characters for, and a Changeling: The Dreaming
book to read and get annoyed about (faerie is not an Irish word,
dammit!). Where was I going to find time to come up with an awesome
column? Then, inspiration struck.
Inspiration came in the form of the half-dead agave (aka century plant, if
youre not from the desert, you probably have no clue what I mean... uh,
its like an aloe plant that grows a huuuuge flower stalk) planted next to
my front door. Inspiration didnt just strike me, it poked its sharp,
pointed leaf-thingie through my denim dress and into my leg, causing me
to bleed, say ow, and run to clean the wound out before it got infected.
The little poke-hole bruised, swelled up, and generally hurt. It still hurts
this afternoon.
By now, youre probably asking yourself "What the hell does this have
to do with RP?" or maybe "Why did you plant such a dangerous plant
right next to your front door?" (I didnt, I rent this place, and on Monday
Im calling my landlord and asking him to rip the evil thing out before it
causes more damage). Anyway, after bandaging myself up, I got to
thinking about killer plants. Suddenly it all makes sense, doesnt it?
Sci-fi and fantasy fans are pretty used to the idea of killer plants, I
think. Even before I was a role player, I had encountered them in novels...
Remember the tangletrees in Xanth? Or just about everything in Alan
Dean Fosters Midworld? Then, role playing introduced me to a whole
new world of plant-based monsters. Rifts: England had some really trippy
ones. D&D has several dangerous fungi (including the ridiculous
phantom fungus), the assassin vine, shambling mound, tendriculos
(which in my mind, will always be a compound of "tendril" and
"ridiculous"), and treant. And thats just in the normal monster manual!
Playing UO introduced me to two more plant monsters, the corpser and
the reaper. Corpsers are stupid little tentacle plants that are easy to
kill. Reapers are evil, spell-casting dead-tree things with malevolent faces.
Both are fun in their own way, if you dont stop and think how ridiculous
they are.
Yes, I think just about every plant-based monster is ridiculous.
Tangletrees and the plants of Midworld are an exception, being plants
with natural reactions to contact with people that causes the people to
become plant food. Malevolent plants casting spells at adventurers,
walking around, and firing projectiles, are just ridiculous. Theres such a
thing as taking fantasy too far, and this is one of them. I cannot take a
walking mushroom seriously, no matter how much threat it poses for my
first-level character. Heck, my character probably wouldnt even be
scared, no, theyd think they were hallucinating. A walking, malevolent
mushroom is beyond anyones idea of reality, even people whose worlds
are populated by elves, orcs, and dragons.
So, whats a GM to do? Its been standard practice for me to say "This
monsters too ridiculous, it doesnt exist on my world", and you can do
the same. But if you want some deadly plants, I suggest using a bit of
intelligence in making them... Instead of ambulatory fungi and trees, make
plants that have evolved to trap greedy adventurers... A giant Venus fly-
trap with what looks like a pile of gold resting in its center (at this
moment, I now have the catchy phrase "Rogues check in, but they dont
check out!" running through my head)... You get the idea. Or, if you must
have walking trees and talking mushrooms, come up with a good reason
for it. Theres always the ever-popular magical experiment gone wrong,
or even enchanted trees which a druid, dryad or nymph has set with task
of guarding the forest.
Typical killer plants can also have a good place in a comedic game, where
it doesnt matter if your players take the monsters seriously. In this case,
you can lay it on thick, playing off of the ridiculous nature of some of
these monsters, throw in some false drama when you describe them, all
that good stuff. Oh no, its a horde of glowing purple mushrooms, what
ARE we going to do? Well, it beats the hell out of stirges.
And, just in case you were wondering, my personal theory is that the
monster creators at TSR and later, Wizards of the Coast, were
traumatized as children when they were forced to eat such foods as
broccoli, asparagus, and artichokes, and it has had a serious effect on
their work.
Tune in next month, when I discuss my attempts at making my own
monsters, fueled by my frustration at my husband interrupting my
description of the monster every few words to say "Yep, its a crakbill."
Do not mess with GMs, for we are short to anger and control the rules.
Bwuhahahaha! Er, I mean... thanks for reading :)
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