The Wacky Races
By Rick Higginson
Opinion and Humor, rolled into one.
When I was a kid, we watched a cartoon called "The
Wacky Racers." In each episode, off the wall
characters would race their bizarre contraptions to
see who would cross the finish line first. It was
silly entertainment, but we were kids, and we liked
that kind of stuff.
California has apparently decided to resurrect the
"Wacky Races" idea with their upcoming Gubernatorial
recall election. If this election doesnt inspire
numerous comedy movies and TV shows, nothing will. It
seems nearly everyone decided to jump into the race.
Heck, I even considered trying to capitalize on my
California birth and upbringing to initiate a run for
California Governor. I figured it would be the
perfect opportunity to try out Chris idea of a D20
based Government (see last August 2003's "Random
Thoughts" column if you dont know what Im talking
about). With that in mind, I sat down with the "State
Government D20 System" rule book and started to roll
up a Governor Candidate.
The first step was to enter the State Stats. I wrote
in the 1990 Census population of nearly 30 million
people, the total area of the State in square miles,
basic resource information, and then I hit the snag.
"Liabilities". Ouch. Entering 30 -- 40 gigabucks of
deficit really slammed the State hard. Okay, still, I
had a Governor character to roll up.
I entered my stats and started rolling for my
strengths and weaknesses, balancing those out against
the State's Stats. It didnt look very promising. I
even tried the typical Politician trick and lied about
my stats to make them better, but the best result I
ever got still gave me the message "If this State were
the Starship Enterprise, you would be the redshirt
Crewman." I may have many faults, but at least I can
read the handwriting on the wall. At least I can read
the dire warnings in the D20 manual. I abandoned my
quest for California Governor before it really even
started.
Instead, I decided to put my mind to coming up with
some catchy slogans that some of the other candidates
might want to try using. Keep in mind that ALL of
these people really ARE running for Governor of the
State of California.
The most famous candidate, of course, is Arnold "Ill
be back!" Schwarzenegger. With the serious situation
in California right now, his campaign should play off
one of the lines from the second "Terminator" movie.
Imagine the commercial where the stoic, sunglass
bespectacled face of Arnold looks at the camera,
extends a hand, and says, "Vote for me, if you want to
live!" Even Linda Hamilton had a hard time turning
down that offer.
Nearly as famous as "Ah-nuld" is Larry Flynt, the
outspoken porn publisher most famous for "Hustler"
magazine. Flynt is also well known for his high
profile court case against censorship, wherein he
declared that if the constitution would protect a
scumbag like him, it would protect anyone. Larry can
build off that line for his campaign slogan. "Why
vote for someone who won't admit theyre a scumbag?"
Hey, it could work. At least for once, the majority
of the people would be in agreement with something the
Governor said right off the bat.
On the "get some laughs into the Government" front,
we have Leo "Sledgeamatic" Gallagher, the comedian
well known for smashing assorted items (mostly
produce) with a large mallet, splattering the remains
all over the first few rows of the audience.
Gallagher is a funny guy, and his comedy often makes
sense. Making sense, of course, is not necessarily an
asset in a politician. However, if Gallagher could do
to the budget deficit what he does to a watermelon, he
might just be good for the State. "Sledgeamatic:
Deficits dont stand a chance!"
Not to be outdone, Gary "Diff'rent Strokes" Coleman
has tossed his hat into the ring. Gary was one of
those cute, adorable child actors whom Hollywood
pretty much discarded when he grew up and wasnt as
cute anymore. Coleman has worked a variety of jobs
since outgrowing the child actor stage, and probably
very much understands what its like to go from having
a surplus to having little to nothing. Gary can
strike a nostalgic chord in the older voters who
remember his TV series simply by using the campaign
slogan, "What'chu talkin' 'bout?" Aimed at his
opponents who will likely use plenty of double talk,
it might just ring true with voters sick of "answers
that arent answers."
Hoping for a big hit is Peter Ueberroth. Yes, THAT
Peter Ueberroth, who hopes to make California as
popular as Major League Baseball. One of his
accomplishments was turning around the profitability
of running a Major League Baseball team. Yes, when
you pay for those game tickets to see those
multi-millionaire players, you can thank Peter
Ueberroth. Peter can run on the "If we build it, they
will come" campaign. Hey, it worked for a cornfield
in Iowa!
Those running on the "name recognition" ticket are
plentiful this election too. We have Robert "Dont
call me Bob" Dole (he prefers to be known as "Butch"),
Dan Feinstein (not to be confused with Diane
Feinstein), Michael "I was born white" Jackson, Edward
"Not related to Maria Shriver" Kennedy, and Richard
"Lets slim this state down" Simmons, all of whom have
a better chance simply because their names are similar
to someone famous.
In the more "off the wall" department, we have
Angelyne, whose first lines on her Candidate's
Statement are (and I am not making this up!),
"Well . . . I'm EXTRA large on top, I have a TINY waist,
and my hips are JUST RIGHT! ! (How come no one ever
asks me my shoe size!!!)" Angelyne has run for Mayor
of Hollywood before, and makes her living giving tours
of Hollywood, when she's not throwing double-entendres
out to titillate listeners. The best campaign slogan
for Angelyne apparently would be, "Why have only one
big boob in the Governor's Mansion when you can have a
pair of big boobs?"
Not to be outdone in the "Sex sells" department is
Georgy Russell, whose campaign is light years more
cerebral than Angelyne's (note: I think the Swedish
Chef would be light years more cerebral than
Angelyne's campaign), but includes the ever popular
Georgy for Governor thong underwear (Im not making
this up . . . see it at
).
Yes indeed, this leads into a perfect campaign slogan.
"If the Government is going to be in your ass, why not
start now?"
Speaking of odd undies, theres also Kurt "Tachikaze"
Rightmyer, a Middleweight Sumo Wrestler who has set
his eyes on the office. His perfect campaign slogan?
"Big enough to knock the deficit right out of the
ring!"
Then theres Bruce Margolin, a Marijuana Legalization
Attorney. This is another candidate that can
seriously bank some leverage in the race. After all,
if he can get Marijuana legalized as Governor, and set
a tax rate on it like they've done for cigarettes and
alcohol, he could easily turn that deficit into a
surplus again. Even if he doesn't fix the deficit,
the State will be too high to care. He can take that
old song for his campaign theme, and have the whole
State singing, "Everybody must get stoned!"
Finally, this one I share is strictly taken right
from the Candidate's own statement. Mary "Mary Carey"
Cook is an "Adult Film" star. Some of her campaign
ideas have some merit, while others seem pretty
outlandish. Her real-Im-not-making-this-up campaign
slogan? "Weve had Brown, weve tried Gray, now its
time for some Blonde!"
At the very least, it's time to be thankful for
living in Arizona, where we can watch the Wacky Races
without having to live them. My thanks to my
co-workers for helping me with some of these off the
wall ideas.
For more information on the extensive list of
Candidates for Governor of California, visit the
recall site on the Web at