|
Allow me to first say that this is one of the
worst comics that I have EVER read. That really
is saying something, considering how many comics
Ive read.
My roommate had to come look over my shoulder
while I was reading this comic to see why I was
laughing so hard. My roommate, Tasha, is the
infamous "weird black chick on campus that wears a
cloak." To quote my roommate upon reading this
comic, " This is the worst English that Ive seen
outside of the ghetto, and I should know." Future
note to the writer -- "bidness" is what you do on
E-bay.
Not only is the English atrocious, the art is even
worse. I swear to God I could draw better than
this if I were drunk off my ass, and Ive never
been drunk before in my life. It looks like
someone colored this at the last minute with a
crayon and then pasted it together chunkily in a
bad Photoshop cut. From the poses of the
characters, it looks like the artist has never
been in the same state as an anatomy book. The
print quality is so poor in some places that you
cant read the text. You can even tell where the
printers used the lowest quality JPEG possible, as
the edges are fuzzy and jagged. Of course, the
Comic Sans font was used, cause otherwise youd
have no idea that this was a comic. Youd think
that if they went to all the trouble and expense
to print this in color on very nice paper, theyd
have spent the time and effort on decent print
quality. The art is enough to make you want to
cry. The question becomes which reason do your
cry for -- because of the pain that its inflicting
on your eyes or from how hard youre laughing? I
think in my case it was from the laughter.
Now, Im sure you all want to know what on earth
is the story behind this wretched thing. If not,
tough luck -- youre going to hear it because I had
to read it.
Mel and his brother or friend (its not quite
clear) Johnny are busy selling drugs to get themselves
out of the hood. Yah, thatll get you out all
right -- in the back of a cop car. Mel walks up to
sell drugs to two thugs and they bash him over the
head. No prompting, no provoking, just "Hey, want
some crack?" "SMASH!" (or more accurately,
"Kerr-rrak!", which is no onomatopoeia that Ive
ever seen). Gotta love the explanation here. They
then take him to the laboratory of Bald Mad
Doctor Nazi, who puts him in a tank of green goop
for no reason whatsoever. Oh, wait, he says hes
restoring the Nazi Regime. With a black guy. Yeah,
thats real Nazi like. The green goop turns Mel
into a superman-giant of sorts and dissolves his
pupils into nothingness. Mel manages to escape the
Mad Doctors (after he "feel the power", and
apparently gets in touch with the hidden Black
Panther side of him). The Mad Doctor then sends
his thugs -- who also have never been anywhere near
true human anatomy -- to get Mel back. They dont
even have faces, just really fierce gashes in
their heads. The thugs kidnap Mels mother and
Johnny, cause youre not really a superhero until
your family goes missing, for that little dash of
ANGST! Mel goes to his scientist friend, Charles
Jones. Charles was taken in by Mels mother when
his own parents kicked him out and he owes her.
So, Charles gives Mel this UBER GAY (comment from
roommate: "And not the GOOD kind of GAY") costume.
Its made of a special metal alloy and can take a
small missile blast. (Im not going to even ask
why the page is sideways -- its not that hard to lay
out a page properly, people.) But dig this, Mel
doesnt want the matching helmet because he
doesnt want to look totally ridiculous. Ive got
a little news flash for Mel: Its waaaaaaaay too
late for that. Youve got man-boobs and youre
wearing tights. Youd fit in fine at the Gay Pride Day Parade.
So he goes to save his
mom from Bald Mad Doctor Nazi (who has now
obtained Evil Nazi Veins on his head) and
discovers that Johnny is dead and in a tube, which
ups the Angst Factor to Eyerolling. The "comic"
(and I use this term very loosely) ends with Mel
about to bargain with Vein Head.
I thought after Id finished the comic I was in
the clear. Then I decided to read the back of the
comic. Allow me to reproduce it here for you:
"Do You Wanna Kiss?
Sure ya do! Especially if its from Kiss Me
Comix! Let our books Serenade and Bountyhunter
take you to a totally new level of reading
entertainment! Entertainment thats far above
industry standards! Compare us to whats out
there, and see if we arent that breath of fresh
air! Our art and coloring styles, solid story is
what makes KMC unique! And the freshest thing in
comics! We dont play by the rules! Cause of we
did then wed giving you art and stories thats
already out there! KMC strives each and every
issue to bring you the best! We put a new twist
on tradition! We dont follow standards, instead
KMC creates our own standards. Why? To keep you
entertained and coming back for more! Change is
good! Stay in a path too long it becomes a rut!
Find a new path in KMC! We invite you to check us
out and see for yourself! We have a look and feel
all our own, and thats why KMC will be around for
a VERY LONG TIME!!!"
And now for the Sidra-Tasha commentary:
Sidra: You dont play by the rules?! You mean
the rules of the English language, right? Because
if thats what youre talking about, then indeed,
you dont follow the rules.
"Cause of we did then wed giving you art and
stories thats already out there!" Sidra looks
over and sees Tasha laying on the floor twitching,
because the English major portion of her brain
just broke.
"Change is good!"
Oh good god (or goddess if you prefer), change is
very good. Let me recommend that you have someone
spell and grammar check your comic before you ship
it to the publisher. Additionally, someone needs
to take lessons in how to draw the human form,
because the anatomy in this book is just painful
to look at.
Now Ill hand this portion over to Tasha:
A breath of fresh air? Oh, youre a breath of
something alright, but I was thinking more along
the lines of formaldehyde -- something that knocks
the average person right out.
With all these exclamation points I really have to
wonder if you just dont know about the period key
or if youre trying to hit me over the head.
"Our art and coloring styles, solid story is what
makes KMC unique!" Uniquely crappy.
"Stay in a path too long it becomes a rut!" If
this is change, Ill stay in the rut. Apparently
the rut understands basic grammar.
"We dont follow standards, instead KMC creates
our own standards." Please, please follow
standards. Your own arent cutting it.
"KMC will be around for a VERY LONG TIME!!!" I
didnt know three weeks was a long time. Oh, wait,
Ive got it. Your demographic is three year olds.
And they expect me to pay three bucks for this? I
can get some Archie for that, and at least then I
know that the art wont make my eyes cry blood.
|