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December 2003
The Holiday Season is upon us, and if you're anything like me, you've studiously avoided the Malls and Department Stores this weekend after Thanksgiving. Yes, indeed, once the Giving of Thanks is out of the way, we can get on with the business of appeasing the greed of the Holiday Merchants and of those gift recipients who approach a pile of presents with all the finesse of a pack of hyenas approaching a carcass. All is not lost, though, as we can eagerly look forward to "The Return of the King" in theaters this month, and all early reports indicate that it will not be a disappointment. One photo I've seen of Shelob leads me to think I'll have the heebie-jeebies for at least a little while during the movie.
While we're waiting for that, though, I thought I'd share some ideas for how to keep this Holiday Season more entertaining for all. Please note that myself, and the other Staff of Collector Times, are not responsible for any consequences that might arise from trying any of these suggestions.
For fun, enter the Department Stores through the Garden Department, where most will have truckloads of cut Christmas trees waiting to be purchased. Take a moment as you walk through to speak soothingly to some of the trees, and when someone asks what you're doing, give them that look that tells them they're an insensitive pig, and comment (in a tone that indicates THEY should already know) that the Dryads are very unhappy being stuck here in a Department Store, and that they would really rather their trees were still living and growing in the forest. Ask the person how they'd feel if someone cut them off at the ankles, then planned on standing them in the living room and covering them with gaudy decorations.
After occupying the salesperson's time looking at numerous gift ideas for someone, take out your dice bag and make several rolls. Study the resulting numbers carefully, and then tell the salesperson that your price check indicates that you should be able to find it cheaper across town. Walk away.
When the Christmas Carolers come by, ask if they take requests. When they say, "Yes", request some Roman Saturnalia Carols. Act horribly offended when they don't know any. Also effective in calling the request line for the local Radio Station.
Visit Bob River's "Twisted Tunes" and learn some of his Christmas Parodies. Sing those lyrics, loudly, along with the store Christmas Music. This will be even more effective if you're slightly off-key, and add appropriate movements to match. If someone says something, look at them with a hurt expression and say, "What? That's not how it goes?"
Ask the manager of the store why they have no Chanukah music playing. Insist, loudly, that they must be anti-Semitic because they don't. While the manager is trying to dispute that, ask about Kwanzaa music. Make sure to point out that you are neither Jewish nor African American. Then tell him your brother is deaf, and you demand a sign language interpreter to follow your brother around the store, signing all the songs that are playing over the intercom system. After all, deaf people should be able to enjoy holiday music while shopping, too.
While opening presents, hold them as far from your body as possible. For especially large packages, jump back each time you open any part of it. Explain to everyone that your character has been injured and killed many times by trapped boxes and chests, and that you never know when some evil mage may have trapped the presents under the tree. If someone gets a fruitcake, scream, "I TOLD YOU SO!!!", grasp your throat, and feign passing out. Lie on the floor in a trancelike state the rest of the evening.
Go caroling door to door. Sing Easter songs. Hand out colored eggs. Wear a rabbit suit. When people make comments or give you strange looks, feign innocence and say, "What? Something wrong?"
Act disappointed over every present you open that has nothing to do with the game, "Munchkin". Comment often you were hoping for the "Unnatural Axe". Tell Grandma you were hoping to get "Unnatural Axe" from her. Wink slyly. Run if she winks back.
Write all the "To/From" labels on the presents in Hebrew. Tell everyone that was how they did it in Bethlehem on the first Christmas. Hey, if it was good enough for Baby Jesus, it's good enough for us!
Above all, enjoy the holidays, whichever ones you celebrate, and have a safe and happy New Year. We'll see you all in 2004.
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