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January 2004
As I write this, 2003 is winding down to its final days, and 2004 looms just around the corner. In just over a month's time, my wife and I will be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary, and my thoughts wander back 24 years to that holiday season when we were planning our wedding and looking forward to married life together.
It's common for people to poke fun at their in-laws, but I'm dedicating this month's column to Earl and Donna, my in-laws, for the gifts they gave me at Christmas 24 years ago. That isn't to say that those gifts were the only thing in the past 24 years I've appreciated, by any means. Earl and Donna have done a lot for us over the years, not the least of which is to make me feel a part of the family.
Back to those gifts, though. Christmas morning, 1979, and I received a pair of gifts from Earl and Donna that, I must confess (and this column is titled "CONFESSIONS of a Newbie"), I didn't really appreciate at the time. I opened my gifts to find a Backgammon set and a Monopoly (TM) set. My first thought, I'm not pleased to say, was something to the effect of, "Do they expect us to play board games on our honeymoon or something? We're going to be newlyweds!" How easy it is to overlook the fact that, once upon a time, they were also newlyweds.
We wore out that backgammon set.
It's funny how gaming can contribute to a developing relationship. While it might seem trivial to think of playing games together as a means of getting to know each other, when you think about it, it makes sense.
Playing against someone who cannot tolerate losing can be a real eye-opener. Likewise, playing against someone who "grandstands" when they win is also very revealing. If someone gets insufferable under either situation, it's better to know that early in the relationship, instead of after you've set up house together, especially if you find those characteristics intolerable. Such characteristics are not insurmountable in a relationship, though it can seem so if you're both of that mind set. Face it: When playing a competitive game, someone is going to win, and someone is going to lose. If you're both that hung up on winning, expect a lot of nights with one or the other of you sleeping on the couch.
My wife had a friend once who had a bad habit of changing the rules to suit his situation in a game. It's something of a given that someone who cannot be trusted with small things cannot be trusted with big things, either. When someone will cheat to gain an advantage in a game that has no real lasting effect on our lives, would it surprise us to find out they'd cheat when there is a tangible benefit or profit for them in real life? If someone will lie about the rules in a game, how trustworthy are we going to find them in other areas of their life? In one way, it's another form of the "I can't take losing" mentality, as the person will do whatever they have to do, even cheat, to try and make sure they "win". Extrapolating that a bit, it also means that they will do whatever is necessary to make sure that who ever they are playing against, even you, loses.
The flip side of that is playing against someone who lets you win all the time. This may not seem like much of a problem, but it can be an indication of a trait that will lead to problems, namely, that of avoiding all conflict. I'm not advocating that couples fight, but I can tell you from personal experience that not dealing with problems simply because you want to avoid the possibility of a fight isn't such a good idea, either. I'm the kind of person that tends to avoid conflict, and if something is bugging me, I tend to simply get quiet and avoid dealing with it. That might make for few "fights", but it also makes for some long-term irritations because that thing that bugs me never gets brought out into the open and dealt with. What ends up happening is that, rather than dealing with it right away when it's not as big a deal, it only gets dealt with when I've finally had enough and blow up about it. Not healthy, either. Trust me on that one.
My wife and I are kind of between the extremes I've mentioned. Neither of us is so hung up on "winning" that we'll get obnoxious about it, but on the other hand, we don't "let" the other person win, either. Granted, it's not unusual of us to "help" each other out in a game. If we're playing Scrabble (TM) , for instance, it's not unusual for us to offer each other good scoring words that will work with the letters the other has. It's not too competitive that way, but it's amazing the kind of scores we can both achieve when we're working cooperatively rather than in opposition.
If you think about it, you can learn so much more than what I've mentioned about someone by playing a game with them, but time and column space would fail me if I tried to list it all. Suffice it to say, an evening of Backgammon can be far more profitable than an extensive "Temperament Analysis" administered by a Mental Health Care Professional. If you're still on the "dating scene", give some serious thought to telling that special someone that you'd like to spend the evening playing one of your favorite games instead of going to a movie or a club or whatever. They might think you're kidding at first, but I'm betting that a few rolls of the dice or turns of the cards will reveal a lot more about that person than sitting through a couple of hours of celluloid entertainment or downing a few drinks together.
Trust me. Earl and Donna had the right idea.
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