|
March 2004
For something completely different this month, we take you now to the Hallowed Halls of Higher Education for this special report.
The University of Gumstump, with offices in minor hamlets Nationwide and offering a wide variety of correspondence courses geared towards people too busy for a more formal education, has announced a new course of study in Gaming. Gamers everywhere will now be happy to learn that they can finally pursue that doctorate degree they've always dreamed of, and without having to devote a decade of full time study.
Gamers will be able to specialize their studies in these following facets of gaming:
ENGINEERING: Designing games, creating worlds, and modifying systems await the graduate with a Doctorate Degree in Game Engineering. This rapidly growing field is desperately in need of trained and qualified Engineers to fill the demand for new games to hold the attention span of a fast moving generation. Our graduates can expect massive wealth and fame when they design their own successful follow-on to the "Munchkin" dynasty.
LAW: Rules Lawyers are urgently needed in game rooms all over the world. Gamers are ignorantly playing their games, oblivious to the fine nuances that diligent attention to the rule books can bring. Our Graduates will learn how to best memorize even the most obscure rules, and to present them in the most convincing manner to maximize the play value of any game they attend. Every Game Master will soon be demanding a Rules Lawyer at their sessions, and our Graduates can expect solid employment prospects filling this void.
MANAGEMENT: What is any game without a well trained and degreed Game Master? In our Game Management course, you'll major in the vital topics of: Effective Control of Unruly Players, Proper Placement of Game Screens, Killing Off Troublesome Characters, Iron Clad Bladder Control (Course previously titled, "Retaining 3 liters of Mountain Dew"), Obscure Monsters to Keep Players Off Balance, Deflecting Blame for Lousy Gaming Sessions, and the all-important, How To Trick Your Players Into Buying You The Latest Uber Expensive Expansion Module At Their Own Expense. Our Game Management Graduates are among the finest Pointy-Haired Game Masters anywhere!
THEATER ARTS: Geared primarily towards those most interested in taking their game playing to the next level, our Theater Arts Program will take your Role Playing to the highest possible levels. Your Game Master won't just think you're a scrawny kid pretending to be an angry Half-Ogre wielding a 200 pound Morning Star. He'll believe you really ARE an angry Half-Ogre wielding a 200 pound Morning Star, and will be appropriately reluctant to do anything to irritate you. Why whine about lousy dice rolls and uncooperative gaming groups, when you can play the role so well that everyone decides it's most prudent to see things your way? Yes, you'll learn to turn in a performance that would intimidate Hannibal Lector and give Stephen King bad dreams! Our exclusive textbook, "How To Win Games and Influence Players" by Attila the Hun has received rave reviews the world over, and we'll teach you the subtle secrets of leaving your meek, mild-mannered self behind to play the powerful character you want to be.
Yes, these and many other great courses of study are now available from your local University of Gumstump Auxiliary. Our accelerated course, employing the most modern techniques of producing degreed graduates with the least amount of time and effort, is guaranteed to make you the most successful gamer in your group. You'll proudly display your Degree on the wall, and say with satisfaction to your group, "That's DOCTOR Aragorn to you!"
We just know those will be looks of awe and admiration they'll be giving you . . .
|