|
August 2004
Welcome to the August edition of Confessions of a Newbie, the column that asks the hard-hitting questions we're all wondering right now, such as, would the Democratic and Republican National Conventions be more interesting if they scheduled gaming sessions throughout the day?
That, my friends, is as close to political as I'll get in this month's column, except maybe to say that I'd much rather see Bush, Cheney, Edwards, and Kerry (going in alphabetical order, and in no way making a statement by the order I named them) engage in a marathon game of Munchkin instead of the requisite debates that tend to put us all to sleep. My guess is we'd see much more of the kind of character each candidate possesses based on how they reacted in the game than we'll ever see in a televised debate.
Anyway, this month, since it's almost too hot to try and think, I thought I'd offer you these amusing observations on why it's fun to let stodgy people know you're a gamer.
Great Aunt Bertha, who sees demons behind every rock, tree, hedge, and parked car in the neighborhood, will absolutely go apoplectic when you talk about the Lord of the Abyss you battled in last night's campaign, and how you summoned four or five lesser demons to battle him. Be sure to mention how much you're looking forward to your next trip to Hell to battle the evil undead, and how it's really not such a bad place after all, once you get used to the neighbors.
The female warrior in your party, with the generous mammaries and the nearly non-existent armor will be of special interest to Great Grandpa Rufus, who still talks about how scandalous it was when women first began exposing their knees in public. Be prepared, though, for the ever effective counter-attack. "You young'uns have it easy! Why, in MY day, we didn't have no Hot Warrior Babes in our fantasies! We had to fantasize about shapely trees, and we were durned happy to have 'em, too! We had to trudge 20 miles in 10 foot deep snow to see them trees, uphill, against the wind. Yes sir, we knew how to APPRECIATE things back then!" You may find yourself wishing for a whole army of Abyss Lords over Great Grandpa's stories.
The local busy-body who is certain that someone, somewhere, is liable to have fun will be thrilled to learn you're organizing a DnD game this weekend. Since he or she is probably still convinced RP games are really just covert Satanic Rituals, be sure to ask where all the convenient entrances to the sewers and storm drains are, and if they know of any virgins in the area that might be available for sacrificing. If you set this up properly, you can actually get the busy-body to spend the entire weekend watching the most likely entrance to the sewers and storm drains for you and your "coven", during which time you can sneak into their house and plant a copy of "Sorority House Babes from Hell" into their DVD player.
If you're attending college or university on your parent's bill, be sure to let them know how much gaming is adding to your educational experience. If you're a guy, talk about how your dorm or frat house was invaded by a party of Amazon Warriors, who captured you and made you their slave, forcing you to do their homework, their laundry, and of course other tasks which we won't mention in this column, lest we earn ourselves an 'R' rating. If you're a gal attending an institution of higher learning, use the same scenario, just take on the role of one of the Amazon Warriors and tell them about the cute guy you captured who is now YOUR slave. Make sure to mention how much money you're earning from his stud fees, once you properly trained him, of course. Your father especially will be impressed, I guarantee it.
Finally, if you're an older couple with teen-aged or adult children, drop hints about how you've incorporated gaming into your love life. Children love to know their parents are active, creative, and happy. Nothing says Mom and Dad are active, creative, and happy quite like Mom walking into the living room in her new studded leather bikini armor, issuing a loud battle cry before throwing Dad from the couch to the floor. Unless, of course, it's Dad charging in from the garage in a fur loin cloth, wielding a huge sword and crying, "THE QUEST WAS A SUCCESS! BRING ME ALE AND WHORES!" This is particularly fun if your kids have friends over, especially boyfriends or girlfriends. Teenagers really love for their friends to know that their parents aren't boring and stuffy.
Yes, folks, stuffy and stodgy people are already convinced that gamers are weird. Let's not pass up an opportunity to have as much fun as we can with that opinion. See you next month for my special "Back to School" edition of "Confessions".
|