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February 2005
I am writing this column from a hotel in La Mesa, California, where I am spending the week on vacation. While it might seem an odd time of year to take a vacation, the reason we're here is to celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary. Oddly enough, while packing the truck for the drive out here the one thing I forgot to include was our box of games that we enjoy playing while we're traveling. I guess that means we're just going to have to find a game store here in the San Diego area and pick out a new game to try.
After 25 years, I suppose I've learned a thing or two about this game we call marriage. It's kind of a funny game, though, in that it's played by two people who will either both win or both lose. If either participant is trying to win while making the other lose, it's guaranteed that both will lose. The other funny thing about it is that you really cannot "bet the odds" on its success. When Nancy and I wed way back in February of 1980, we had plenty of people who seemed to delight in telling us all the reasons why our marriage wasn't going to work. What most didn't seem interested in looking at, though, is the reason why marriages DO work.
They work because we want them to. Like gaming, though, we have some basic "rules" that help make the end result much more likely to be what we want rather than what we dread.
The first rule is that we're sticking with the game. If you want to see the campaign through to the end, you have to purpose not to walk out just because of a lousy dice roll. Every game sees some good turns and some bad turns. We can either work together to get each other through the bad turns, or we can adopt an "every one for their selves" mentality and lose the game. You'll never know what good turn is waiting around the corner if you pack up your dice bag and leave at the sign of trouble.
The second rule is that we have to play our own character. You cannot play your partner's character for them. One sure strategy for trouble is to think in terms of, "this game would go so much easier if THEY would only start doing this..." You see, at the same time, they could very well be thinking something similar about you. While you're trying to sway them towards the one side, they're working just as hard to sway you towards the other, and all you produce is a lot of stress. Accept that the only character you can play and modify is your own, and that the best way to succeed is to learn how to play with their character as they are. If you're both thinking that way, you're both seeking to become a better playmate.
The third rule is that losing is not an option. You have to play with the determination that you are going to win, because as I said earlier this game has either two winners or two losers. If either of you is willing to accept a quiet defeat, you've condemned the other person to failure as well. This goes right along with the first rule above. You have to purpose to work together to overcome the challenges and lousy rolls if you want to win; you have to want to win to work together to overcome the challenges. It's kind of one of those endless circle logic things.
The final rule I'm going to list in this column is that games are always best played with friends. I've known many people who were deeply involved in the game of marriage with someone that they were not friends with, and it was a wonder that they managed to get through each day without violating the first rule. You can play almost any game with someone you don't particularly like or feel friendship for, but we all know that games are much more enjoyable if we're sharing the pleasure of playing with someone we want to share the fun with. A friend is someone who you immediately think of when you have a fun idea. You don't call up an enemy when you see that the movie you've been waiting for is finally in the theater, do you? You call a friend to go see it with you. Likewise, when you pick up the new expansion pack for Munchkin, you don't carry it over to a neighbor whom you barely know and ask them to play, do you? You take it to your friend's place. OK, well, showing up at the neighbor's house with Munchkin might be a great way to break the ice and make a new friend, but it could also be a great way to find yourself branded the neighborhood lunatic. Your friends already know you're a lunatic but like you anyway. Heck, they're probably as nutty as you are anyway.
It's been fantastic waking up for the past 25 years next to someone who knows what a kook I am, and whether the game is marriage, or Munchkin, or Ultima Online, I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend the next 25 years or more playing with.
Okay, I lied a couple of paragraphs ago. I'm going to list one more rule. Never pass up an opportunity to tell that someone special that you love them. In 25 years, I've never grown tired of hearing it from Nancy, and I've never grown tired of telling her.
I love you Nancy. Thank you for a quarter of a century of being my friend and my playmate.
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