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April 2005
So, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and the legends of Camelot have you thinking that it would be cool to be a wizard, eh? You imagine yourself with the flowing robes, the tall pointy hat, and either an impressive staff or a powerful wand in your hand, ready to wield arcane magic to solve any problem that you face. Sure, sure, the recruiting brochures make it so attractive; just learn an assortment of spells, put on the outfit, and the world is your oyster.
Yeah, facing down a balrog on a narrow underground bridge is a sure way to win the admiration of those around you, or saving the world from the plots of an evil, mostly dead sorcerer is certainly a lofty goal, but how often do most of us get to do stuff like that? I mean, really, balrogs are most likely on the endangered species list, and evil mostly-dead sorcerers aren't exactly commonplace either. Using wizardry to get old Mrs. Fitzgerald's cat out of the tree (again) gets you her undying gratitude and maybe a slice of the apple pie she baked last night, but it's not exactly your ticket to fame and fortune.
Here, for your edification, is my list of reasons why it sucks to be a wizard. You may still believe the recruiting brochures and send off your application for Dogfart's Correspondence School of Wizardry, but at least you'll have had the chance to learn the other side of the coin.
- Reason # 1 why it sucks to be a wizard: Everyone thinks you're either Merlin, Gandalf, or Dumbledore. You try to tell them that Gandalf is a distant relative from the Middle-Earth side of the family, and they just chuckle condescendingly and think you're joking with them. Heck, I'm convinced that's the reason that wizards like Saruman and Voldemort go bad. They're so sick of being called by the wrong name all the time that they just snap and decide it's time to bring about some miserable oppression on the Earth. Yeah, everyone may end up cursing their names, but at least they'll get the names correct while they do.
- Reason # 2 why it sucks to be a wizard: The word "wizard" is derived from the word "wizened", meaning, "to have grown wise". A wizard's primary job is to offer sound advice and counsel to solve problems. The thing is, no one wants to hear about the work that needs to be done to rectify the lousy situation; they just want the wizard to wave his wand or his staff, cant a few magic words, and instantly solve their problems. A man comes to you saying that his wife isn't responsive to his "needs" anymore, so you tell him that it might help if he bathed regularly, treated her nicely, and paid more attention to his appearance. For that, he gets mad at you and demands you just cast a love spell over her to make her amorous once again. Meanwhile, his wife has been begging you for some magical deodorant for him. In the end, nothing changes and you don't get paid.
- Reason # 3 why it sucks to be a wizard: There are basically two options for wizards. You can either be a court wizard, hired by a local lord or king to serve as a retainer, or you can be an itinerant wizard, wandering from village to village offering your services where needed. Court wizards get paid well, sleep in comfort, eat delicious well prepared meals, and dress in fancy robes. The flip side is that kings and lords have a bad habit of showing their displeasure violently. If you make a mistake as a court wizard, your only hope is to get out of town before the "boss" finds out about it and has you tossed in the dungeon awaiting beheading. Trust me; getting your head lopped off is a bad career move all around. Itinerant wizards usually don't have to worry about that, but the work they do is usually low pay (often you receive a scrawny chicken barely suited for stewing in payment), infrequent, and you always run the risk of being burned at the stake as a heretic or witch. Burning is just as good a career move as beheading, though ignorant peasants are often more easily intimidated by simple magic than knights and lords. While they're staring wide-eyed at your latest trick you can beat a hasty retreat into the woods.
- Reason # 4 why it sucks to be a wizard: It seems the village loudmouths are divided into two camps: Those that are convinced you're a fraud, and those that are convinced you're omnipotent. The blowhards either have the rest of the village persuaded that you can do nothing, or that you can do things far beyond the powers of a typical wizard. Either way, you're not likely to get paid in that town. Yeah, I'd like to wave my staff around and make everyone in town young, good-looking, and wealthy. If I could do that, though, would I look like I do and wander from town to town hoping for the odd wizardly job?
- Reason # 5 why it sucks to be a wizard: Hollywood has jaded people to the fantastic. OK, so you just summoned a Fire Elemental to fight for you. Everyone has seen Hollywood Special Effects and thinks nothing of it. They'd be more impressed if you conjured up the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models, though I doubt the models would do much to defend you against the Lord of the Abyss. Cast lightning on your foe, and they just say, "Yeah, yeah; Emperor Palpatine did that in 'Return of the Jedi'; show us something new!"
- For those people, we have that now infamous line, "Here's a little trick Mom showed me when you weren't around . . ."*
- Reason # 6 why it sucks to be a wizard: Most DM's won't let you use that trick in the game.
Especially not when you're going to use it on them . . .
* Editor's Note:
This is a line stolen from the climactic scene of the movie "Wizards"
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