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June 2005
Welcome to the Collector Times countdown, where we countdown the top gaming songs of the month. I'm your host, Spacey Maceum.
Taking the number 5 slot this month, up from number 14 last month, are "The Tabletop GM's" and their newest single, "Dead Dead Whine".
Dead, dead whine,
Sure hurts my head,
Makes me forget why I
Still run this game.
Dead, dead whine,
Go read the rules,
Only the fools don't know,
The dice are to blame.
Your dice roll's to blame.
I had sworn
That with time,
You would learn to play this game.
But I was wrong,
Now I find,
Your mistakes are still the same.
Dead, dead whine,
Please let me be,
I don't want to see your stats,
I think I'll go play
Some Freecell today.
Our next performer has enjoyed hits on other charts, but has had a difficult time breaking into the Collector Times countdown. She says, "You'd think being a beautiful woman would help, considering how lonely some of those gamer geeks are." Well Siren Daiying, you've broken onto the chart this month at number 4 with your crossover hit, "My Dice Rolls Still Suck".
Every day in the game
I roll them, I fail them,
Oh, how can I have such bad luck?
Right across the table,
With the screen between us,
No one else has such lousy luck.
High, low, whatever the goal,
I believe that my dice rolls will suck,
"Roll o'er", you say "roll them once more"
And I do, but my dice rolls
My dice rolls still suck, still suck.
Siren says she had planned on the song being longer, but she had to roll for her bardic skills and failed that roll too. It doesn't matter, though, for her song seems to have struck a chord with unlucky gamers everywhere.
Taking the number 3 spot this month, down from number 2 last month, is Benny Codgers Country Crossover hit, "The Gamer."
On a dull Thursday evening, at a game store in Gumstump
I met up with a gamer, we were bored as well as cheap,
So we took turns a laughin' at the losers in the food court,
Till someone called security and we beat a fast retreat.
He said, "Dude I've made a habit out of snaggin' people's treasure,
Of knowing when to loot it by the way they throw their dice,
It comes from playin' Munchkin and takin' lots of pleasure
In backstabbin' buddies; it's my favorite vice."
So we dug up Munchkin Blender, leaned against the fender,
Dealt out a hand or two and grabbed a Mountain Dew.
Then the parking lot grew quiet, save the laughter of the gamer,
For ten seconds later, he'd jumped to "level two."
"You've got to know when to shoot 'em, know when to loot 'em,
Know when to stand and fight, and know when to flee.
You always guard your treasure while we're sitting at the table;
For if you get distracted, it'll all belong to me."
Up at number 2 on the Collector Times Charts this month is the song that spent 3 months at number 1 before being bumped by our current number one hit. Oddly enough, we're still trying to figure out how this song has managed to stick to the charts for so long, since we have yet to find anyone who will admit to liking it, or to even liking the singer. Yet, still at number 2 is "Oops, I screwed up again" performed by none other than Skimpy Beers.
Oops, I screwed up again,
Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn,
Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn.
I think I screwed up again,
Our party's all dead, they used to be friends.
Oh bother.
I might look like a "vet"
But it doesn't mean I know what to do.
'Cause to do something stupid
That is just so typically me.
Oh bother, bother.
Oops! I screwed up again,
I opened a door, got killed in the game!
Oh bother, bother.
Oops! You think I'm a twit,
And that I should just quit,
I'm not that competent!
You think my problem is this,
I go AFK
I come back a ghost, oh what did I miss?
I see the monochrome haze
How can I screw up in so many ways?
'Cause to do something stupid
That is just so typically me.
Oh bother, bother.
Oops! I screwed up again,
I opened a door, got killed in the game!
Oh bother, bother.
Oops! You think I'm a twit,
And that I should just quit,
I'm not that competent!
Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn,
Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn, darn.
"Skimpy, we all want you to have this."
"Wait; this is that new game. Didn't you all say your systems won't run it?"
"Well, yeah, but we still want you to have it."
"But that means we won't be playing together anymore."
"It's more important to us that you enjoy the new game. We'll just stay here and suffer through."
"Oh, you guys are so sweet! I'll find all the great places in the new game so when you upgrade and can log in, we can all hunt together again!"
"Yeah, yeah. You do that. We'll be along just as soon as we can . . ."
Oops! I screwed up again,
I opened a door, got killed in the game!
Oh bother, bother.
Oops! You think I'm a twit,
And that I should just quit,
I'm not that competent!
Our current number one hit skyrocketed up the charts and made its debut in our top five right at the number one spot, which it's held now for 2 months. Oddly enough, this song dates back many years, and the artist still wonders why it suddenly gained attention again. Here with our number one song again this month is C. M. Teehalls and "Comic Con"
"Hey Bobba, this is Maul. Can you hear me?
OK, Yeah, awesome, awesome.
You find the Star Wars Galaxies booth yet?
Yeah, I saw him; great Darth Vader costume
Though those storm troopers need some work, huh?
Dude, we got us a con-ven-tion!"
It was hotter'n pie, in the heart of July,
In 'Diego, dressed like Sith,
A black hooded cloak with a blaster on,
A lightsaber at my hip.
We were checking the booths in aisle 1-oh
Wishin' we had some drinks
I said, "Bobba, I don't believe my eyes,
Someone's dressed like Jar-Jar Binks!"
'Cause we got a great Convention
Party through the night,
We got a great Convention,
The costumes sure are a sight!
Come to the Convention
Spidey's gonna be here today!
We've got artists at the convention
From across the U.S.A.
Convention . . .
"Uh, Bobba, you don't have five bucks I could borrow, do you?
Someone has a Darth Maul action figure, mint in package and I'm a little short.
Watch the short jokes, Bobba; you're no wookie yourself."
By the time we found Neeson at the autograph booth
We had twenty-five bucks in all.
But it was thirty for a hand-signed poster,
Even if you were Darth Maul.
Yeah, them fan-boys as thick as Jawas on a 'droid,
There was also an ewok or two,
The Klingon spies tried to "Vulcanize,"
We even saw a Doctor Who.
'Cause we got a great Convention
Party through the night,
We got a great Convention,
The costumes sure are a sight!
Come to the Convention
Spidey's gonna be here today!
We've got artists at the convention
From across the U.S.A.
Convention . . .
"You got any balance left on your Visa, Bobba?
I just can't go home without an autographed poster.
Hey, someone just said they'd heard Lucas was going to show up!
Natalie Portman would be great, too. She's hot!"
Well, we made a line for the Marvel Booth,
To find what's new from Stan Lee,
The autograph queue was filled with fans
As far as the eye could see.
I said, "Bobba I'm almost broke,
But I still gotta take a peek."
Well my budget's gone at the ComicCon,
But my smile's gonna last all week.
'Cause we got a great Convention
Party through the night,
We got a great Convention,
The costumes sure are a sight!
Come to the Convention
Spidey's gonna be here today!
We've got artists at the convention
From across the U.S.A.
Convention . . .
"Hey, Bobba, where you goin'?
GIRLFRIEND?!?
You can afford a girlfriend?
She dresses like Princess Leia in 'Return of the Jedi'?
Dude, does she have a sister?
Well, I'm going to go check Artist Alley again. I still need a sketch from Aragones.
Later, Dude. We'll see you in SWG . . ."
That's our top five gaming songs for this month. This is Spacey Maceum for Collector Times, reminding you to keep the orcs at your front and your friends at your back, and never, ever, call the Dungeon Master an idiot.
Note:
"Dead, Dead Whine" is a parody of "Red, Red Wine" by Neil Diamond.
"My Dice Rolls Still Suck" is a parody of "My Heart Will Go On" performed by Celine Dion.
"The Gamer" is a parody of "The Gambler" performed by Kenny Rogers.
"Oops, I Screwed Up Again" is a parody of "Oops, I Did It Again" performed by Britney Spears.
"Comic Con" is a parody of "Convoy" performed by C.W. McCall.
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