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by Christopher Coleman |
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A genre is a category of artistic composition marked by a distinctive style, form or content. At least, that's what you're going to be told if you read the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. So what does that mean? A bunch of stuff that's similar. As pertaining to video games, there's a variety of genres.. the shoot 'em up, the platformer, the racing game, the fighting game, the puzzle game, the strategy game. Each of these can be subdivided into more specific genres. Let's take shoot 'em ups for an example. You can classify shooters by perspective - is it a horizontal shooter? vertical? isometric? first person? third person? You can divide by setting as well - is it futuristic? Realistic urban combat? Outer space? Post apocalyptic? Games exist in all of these categories - some across more than one:
Some games end up so iconic, popular or successful that they become their own genre. For example, Grand Theft Auto III - the move to a fully three dimensional explorable city with both missions and random events lead to a host of clones forming a genre - True Crime Streets of LA, True Crime Streets of NY, Spiderman 2, Ultimate Spiderman, Mafia and Total Overdose and even the sequels to GTA III (Vice City, San Andreas and Liberty City Stories) are just some examples of games that would fit within a "GTA" genre. Is it fair to call it a genre when it's made up of clones of one game? Yes, because I'm the one writing the article. Besides, the definition of genre we're working from is "artistic composition marked by a distinctive style, form or content". Clones have a very distinctive style, form and content - that of what they were cloned from. The possibilities for classification are a librarian's wet dream. You name a game, and it can be classified under some kind of genre or another. Even if that genre has to be "Unique" or "Special" or "Windswept and Interesting", to borrow a phrase from Billy Connolly. No doubt none of this is really all that new to you, since genre classification is common in most fields, be it books, comics, movies or pornography. What I'm really interested in writing about is the dark underbelly of the gaming world - the genres that dare not speak their name, but that I must expose for the betterment of society, and to help you in particular in your quest for finding decent, playable, worthwhile games.
The GenresThe Kart Racer |
 That bastard plumber Mario has a lot to answer for. Mario Kart came out on the Super Nintendo back in the day, and everyone and their dog loved it. Fun in single player, a revelation in multiplayer. A friend of mine once didn't stop playing even though he was talking on the phone and being blown at the same time. Perhaps the call was unimportant and the fellatio was lacking in technique, but personally I believe it's a vivid illustration of the power of good times as enabled by Mario Kart. The problem sets in when you get to the never ending array of clones. When companies have a licenced property and no idea what to do with it, guess what they release? A kart racer. Would you believe there are kart racers which have licences like MegaMan, Woody Woodpecker, Looney Tunes, Ayrton Senna and the Myth Makers (whoever they are)? Ayrton Senna died for your car racing sins, but that doesn't mean we had to put the poor bastard's image on a kart racing game. Next thing you know, there'll be a Paul Newman Kart racing game that comes with a free sachet of Cool Ranch Lite dressing. A kart racer would appear to be the laziest possible way of using a licence, and woe betide those who create a kart racer without a licence. Trying to draw attention to yourself in this genre is like trying to hear a decent song on American FM radio. Just as a perverse challenge to all three of you readers out there, I'll offer a prize for the most ridiculous example of a Kart Racer. Submissions on the back of a Polaroid of your sister naked accepted care of the editor. Myself, I'm waiting for the American Psycho Kart Racer - pick Patrick Bateman, and you can collect chainsaws to throw at hookers, drive over embossed business card pickups for speed boosts, even stop in the pits to return some video tapes. I think my mask of sanity really is about to slip if I see one more Kart racer on the shelves the next time I go into a video game store.
The Movie or TV Tie In
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This was a particularly ubiquitous genre back in the days of 8 and 16 bit computers. Are you old enough to have had a Commodore 64 or an Amiga when they were latest and greatest? If so, you might remember a company called Ocean. Sure, they brought out a few really good movie adaptation games - remember "Rambo"or "Robocop", anyone? - but once they had a taste of success with movie licences, any and all sense of decorum or restraint was quickly abandoned. All sorts of horrible games were perpetuated on the proletariat by these evil, evil people. The cookie cutter interchangability of these games was one thing - witness the horizontally scrolling shooter/platform level, the pseudo-3D single screen shooting section, the puzzle section, the driving section - but there were some particularly awful examples. Try and play the game based on "Highlander", for example - possibly the worst sword fighting simulation ever known to man. Don't even ask me about the game based on the Sylvester Stallone epic "Cobra".
 "Think it looks like crap? Try playing it."
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It's not fair, however, to place the blame solely on Ocean for all the mediocre movie adaptations that were (and are) put out, though. A company called CRL bought the rights to the soundtrack to Blade Runner, since they couldn't get the movie's rights. What kind of cheek is that? Perhaps of the "lovable rogue" kind, if the game had turned out decently - but guess what? It sucked, and the game faded into obscurity.
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If you care to move on to the console era, try checking out a lot of Acclaim's (may they rest in piece) properties for Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo. "True Lies" plays the same as "Stargate" plays the same as "Toys" plays the same as "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine". Nothing screams "Awesome! I'll never miss that $50 in newspaper delivery money!" like a side scrolling platform game with some shooting and collecting things. Innovation isn't a dirty word, people, it's a lifestyle choice.
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Are there more recent examples of evildoing on this front? I can't really think of any particularly egregious examples, but there's certainly a murky sea of mediocrity out there. "Goldeneye: Rogue Agent" was an example of mediocre first person shooting wrapped in a sort of reverse James Bond licence - all the villains were present, but not Bond himself (at least, not beyond the opening cinematic - ha ha spoiler!). Unfortunately for you, that description is more interesting than the game turns out to be. Another recent example would be the "Aeon Flux" game - based on the Charlize Theron bomb live action movie which was based on the MTV animated series which was based on a wet dream some clown had in high school. "Aeon Flux" is a third person perspective game (over the shoulder view ala "Tomb Raider") - explore, run, shoot, hop platforms, jump into a ball and roll around. If you've played "PN03" or "Metroid Prime" on GameCube, or any number of generic third person action games, and then punched yourself in the head a few times and played them again, you've played "Aeon Flux".
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Don't despair, though, fans of licensed games - there's at least one example of a really good game based on a movie. Try playing "GoldenEye" on Nintendo 64. The graphics are a tad primitive nowadays, but the game play is still solid as a rock, and at the time of release, it was a well deserved smash hit. Companies are still trying to recapture its brilliance today in their own products.. why do you think Electronic Arts called their game "GoldenEye: Rogue Agent"? (Fun times pro tip: Try the "Timesplitters" series, written by a lot of the same people who worked on "GoldenEye").
The Fighting Game
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Once upon a time, a company called Data East brought out a game called "Karate Champ". This was a beginning, and know then that a beginning is a delicate time. Later, a company called Capcom brought out a game called "Street Fighter" - this game had pressure sensitive buttons, at least initially - and was a decent success. Later, Capcom brought out "Street Fighter 2". The heavens opened, a choir of angels sung, everyone's pay check was a fortune and all their meals were banquets - "Street Fighter 2" was an enormous success. You might've noticed the 80,000 sequels that were produced, and how there's (either legit or pirate) a "Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo" arcade board lying around for every man, woman and child on this planet, and two spares each for all the dogs and cats. Strangely enough, people noticed this success. Success breeds imitation. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but in my experience, it's also the lowest form of artistry. Over the years, Capcom must've been mighty flattered, because by Christ there's a lot of clones of Street Fighter out there. Some particularly awful examples would have to include:
Now don't get me wrong. Unnecessary violence is one of my favourite hobbies, and button mashing is definitely one of my primary lifestyle choices. Unfortunately for you, me and everyone we know, the vast majority of one on one fighting games accentuate the "unnecessary". If you're hanging on tenterhooks waiting to hear what I'd actually recommend, introduce yourself to the Soul Calibur series. Or Kasumi Ninja, of course.
 "I was serious about the kilt thing, just look!" The First Person Shooter
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Some of the most critically acclaimed games ever created fit within this genre. Heard of Half Life? Deus Ex? What about System Shock? All games that are ostensibly first person shooters, but became something more than that - transcended their genre. I didn't want to fall for the hype with Half Life or Deus Ex, as I'm not normally a big fan of first person shooter games, and also because I'm not that big a fan of hype. In the case of both games, however, I have to admit that they're simply brilliant. They were engrossing, they had easily usable game interfaces, and they succeeded admirably at becoming more than merely to what the genre would have them constrained. Why spend an entire paragraph talking about good games within a genre when this article is supposed to be Genres From Hell? Because those games are the exception that proves the rule. The vast majority of first person shooters form a rifle toting army of blah in which quality titles struggle to stay alive. Of course, this could be said across all genres. Heard of a game called Beyond Good and Evil? No, I didn't think you had. Go buy it from your local bargain bin right now, and I don't care that it's not a first person shooter, either. I just don't care! Who brings the pain? How about our old friend, "GoldenEye: Rogue Agent"? Truly a multi-genre spanning game - it's shit as a movie tie in, and it's shit as a first person shooter. My first thoughts on playing through it were "it's not that bad, you've played worse", but over the years, I've come to realise that mediocrity is our true enemy. Amusement value can be drained from the truly awful (as anyone who's seen "Mystery Science Theatre 3000", played a Mary-Kate And Ashley game or talked to a Frenchman can attest), but all the mediocre does is waste your time. Cruising along the edge of "Should I try and find something better to do?" is a path to a painful, lonely death. Unless of course you're being blown while playing Mario Kart and talking on the phone, in which case there probably isn't anything better you can do, so rest assured. A lot of you may very well have fond memories of "Doom". Certainly not of the movie with The Rock, what's-his-name and that funny looking girl from "Die Another Day", but the original first person shooter that drove PC hardware sales and brought many a local area network to its knees. "Doom" was fun, and still is. "Doom 2" was, again, a fun way to kill some time. Relatively recently, a "Doom 3" came out, and like Naomi Campbell, it's pretty but dark. What's the point of a game having textures and general graphic performance that requires a $40,000 video card if you can't see what's going on most of the time? The game play certainly isn't anything revelatory, I can tell you that for free. This is one of the problems with the first person shooter genre (and perceptions of video games in general) - people think that because a game is gorgeous, it must be cool and fun to spend time with, and also the corollary - if it doesn't look all that great, it can't possibly be fun or interesting. This rule only applies to cars and women, not video games. Remember that.
 "I guess John Romero didn't make anyone his bitch after all"
The Nudie Qix Game
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Never played Qix? You have a single blank screen with a border running around it, and you control a little diamond, or blob, or what have you. You can move around the border, but in order to move out into the playing field, you must hold down the fire button. Why move out into the playing field? Because you need to mark off at least 75% off the screen to fill it in and move on to the next level. The wrinkle is that there's a creature moving around inside the playing field that'll kill you if it touches one of your lines while you're still creating it. Also, if you stay out in the playing field too long, a fuse creature will chase you and kill you too. Sounds simple, but it's a fun concept. There's not that many smutty versions of these games, but if you check out the Adults Only section of your MAME ROMset, down the stairs and behind that dirty cigarette smoke reeking curtain, you'll find a couple particularly amusing games. Gal's Panic is probably the best example, but there's all sorts of ridiculously hard clones that drain your credits faster than you can say "Where can I buy some tablets for this premature ejaculation problem?" Hell, you can't even play a Qix style game one handed, as you need to be able to press a button as well as move the joystick. If you like the concept of the game itself, try the original Qix or its modernisation, Volfied. If you like titties, buy a magazine, get on the internet or go to a strip club like everyone else.
 "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me when I inserted a quarter, but . . ."
Interactive Fiction
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 "Lord of the Rings on Commodore 64. Nice try, no donut." If you want to experience interactive fiction, go role play. I'll even buy you dice myself, if it saves me having to guess at how to pick up a goddamn chalice in a dark cavern. You are bored at the mall, you have a wallet full of pay check, and desperately seek something to kill time in your otherwise pathetic existence. Exits are FOOD COURT, GAME STORE, HOT TOPIC, PARKING LOT and DENNIS
> GO GAMESTORE There you have it - there are any number of ways to waste your time that need to be avoided like a mother in law. If you're going to try to entertain yourself, go for the best of the best - it's the only way to live. Failing that, get nice and loaded before you play the crappy games you do have. An ice cold Corona makes even the most hackneyed also-ran bargain bin shelf meat game an exciting proposition.
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