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As some of you might be aware my Livejournal is often
the home to a veritable font of wisdom in the form of an advice column. The
readers are few but loyaland take my every word as solid gold. I decided real
people shouldn't be the only ones I could help. So I opened the floodgates to
the comics community -- the characters I mean.
Dear Jess,
- My cat keeps eating all the lasagna. I never get to
eat. What should I do?
An Ailing Arbuckle
Take him on a vacation to the violin factory and
'accidentally' leave him there. Problem solved.
Dear Duck,
- There's a girl I am attracted to, even though she's
rather frivolous. I don't like to admit my feelings to ANYONE,
especially to her. For reasons I am not willing to explain, primarily because
I am sure you wouldn't understand them with your inferior intellect,
she visits me in my dreams. I cannot get any privacy in my sleep.
What would you suggest I do?
Confused from Colu
Okay-- any self professed expert on dreams will tell
you that people in your dreams are generally repressed aspects of your
own personality with traits you associate with that person. You call
yourself an intellectual? Ye dogs, what has become of the
educational system by 3007?
The girl's cameo simply means there is a hidden party
animal in side of you. Having it take the form of someone you're attracted to
is your brains way of saying you should embrace it. On a personal note--
just because they aren't there doesn't mean you can't have a little fun. Next
time you see her in your dreams just kiss and start removing her spandex and
see where that goes. On the off chance she is a wandering psychic entity you
can just say 'Hey-- I thought you were the other you that usually appears in
my dreams.' This will work unless you actually have 'those dreams' about
doing that to the red haired girl down in marketing. Wait-- that was last
continuity.
Dear Jess,
- Due to possible outside interference with the shoe
locker, I have detonated it three times in the past week, as this is the only
certain method of removing unknown hazardous materials. The teachers have
currently confiscated a large portion of my explosives. This makes my job difficult,
and places Chidori at risk from outside interference. Do you know where I can
acquire new supplies?
Trigger Happy in Tokyo
Just go to the Middle East where explosives are more
common than food. I don't have first hand experience but I've heard it said that most
weapons dealers there will give you enough explosives to turn New England into a pile
of burning rubble in exchange for just twenty MREs. Do not however give them lunches
from our public schools unless your dream vacation has something to do with going to
Europe-- with a burlap sack on your head and Jack Bauer as your tour guide.
Dear Jess,
- I've been through a lot of changes. My aunt, who
raised me, was critically injured. I've got anger problems. The way I dress has changed.
Worst of all my wife has kinda sorta moved in with another guy. What should I do?
Webs Tangled in New York
You, my friend, ask the wrong question. It is not
What should you do, but who should you do.
The old solid but true advice is cheat in return.
Maybe someone you work with-- or used
to work with. Someone with whom you share an almost
animalistic kinship. Surely someone
like that [ahem] DREW your attention at least once.
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