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November 2007
By the time you read this, I will be well-immersed in my NaNoWriMo project for this year, Lana's Pack. If you're not participating in WriMo, all I can say is, you're missing the fun. If you are participating, why are you reading this? Get back to writing! You've only got thirty days to finish!
Since this column will post three weeks before the United States observance of Thanksgiving (and coincidentally, three weeks before my birthday), I'll offer you my list of fun ways to demonstrate your geekiness for the holidays.*
- Ask to carve the turkey, and when granted permission, do so with a pair of matching katanas. Once turkey parts are scattered everywhere, look around confused and ask, "Did I err?" Bonus points for bogarting the cheese dip.
- Watch the football game with your uncle, and keep asking if the Quarterback made his saving roll, or whether the tackle was a "critical hit". When your uncle's favorite team starts losing ground, puff out your chest and say, "You know, with my favorite dice I could so win that game for them." Bonus points for making orcish sounds during a quarterback blitz.
- If at a relative's house, organize a "dungeon crawl" to explore the secret rooms in the house. Steal all the silverware from the table and announce you're heading for the tavern to exchange it for ale and whores. If Grandpa asks to come along, make sure he stays in character.
- Dress in an all-black body suit, including face mask, and grab all your food when no one is looking. Retire to the roof to eat. Bonus points for fashioning a shuriken from Aunt Bessie's homemade biscuits. Double bonus points if you can throw it and get it to stick in her hair. Triple if you can get it caught in her cleavage.
- Bring "Munchkin"; sit at the kid's table; have more fun than the adults. Bring appropriate clothing for the gender change cards, and change whenever one is played on you. Bonus points if any family members freak out when you cross-dress.
- Build a miniature trebuchet. (plans at http://www.ripcord.ws/plans/plans.html and http://www.trebuchet.com/ ) Use it when someone asks you to pass them a biscuit. Bonus points if they catch it. Double bonus points if they go to the garage after dinner to build one of their own. Triple bonus points if you steal all the leftover biscuits and retire to the backyard for a siege-engine battle. Quadruple bonus points of you both get biscuits stuck in Aunt Bessie's cleavage. Ten times the bonus points if you build one big enough to fling Aunt Bessie into the nearby lake. A million bonus points if she comes back saying, "Again!"
- November 22nd was the late Rodney Dangerfield's birthday. Spend the day channeling Rodney's routines, and be sure to thank your hosts for a wonderful birthday celebration, even if you didn't get any respect. Bonus points if anyone knows why you're doing so without you telling them it's Rodney's birthday.
- Draft a petition demanding the return of the television series, Firefly. Pass it to all guests, and act offended when they don't know what you're talking about. Bonus points if you preempt the football game to play Firefly or Serenity DVD's, and live to tell about it.
- Bring your Xbox 360 and challenge your obnoxious uncle to a Halo 3 deathmatch. Kick his butt repeatedly. Bonus points if he doesn't drag you out to the front yard and kick your butt repeatedly in response. Double bonus points if you're a girl and he thinks girls should be playing with dolls and tea sets instead of kicking butt in video games. Triple bonus points if you make him cry like a little girl.
- Every time someone mentions the internet, break into a rousing chorus of "The Internet is for Porn" from the play Avenue Q. Bonus points if you have someone to divide the parts of Kate Monster and Trekkie Monster with. Double bonus points if you have enough people to play the parts of the "Normal People". Triple bonus points if Grandma starts singing along.
Have a happy Thanksgiving, if you're here in the U.S., or just have a great month anyway if you're not. We'll see you next month!
(* - This column is for humor purposes; any attempts to try these suggestions in real life are at your own risk, and do not guarantee you great laughs or fame on Youtube.com)
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