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January 2008
Welcome to 2008; a year that promises more controversy and arguments than we can shake a stick at courtesy of our upcoming Presidential Campaign Personally, I'm stumping for the "Resurrect Theodore Roosevelt by Popular Demand" campaign, and maybe with enough public opinion, we can bring a truly Presidential candidate back from the dead to clean house in Washington.
Until then, I'd like to start off the new year with my list of "Dire Predictions that I hope do not come true in 2008".
- Director John Waters notices striking similarities between the 1980's era career of Pia Zadora and the 2000's era career of Paris Hilton and decides to produce a movie starring both of the "proof that money cannot buy talent" women. In a related prediction, the CIA confiscates the film to use as an effective form of torture against enemy agents.
- As the Hollywood Writers Strike drags on, the studios resort to buying hundreds of monkeys and hundreds of typewriters, and set these simian scabs to scriptwriting. Sadly, for most sit-coms, audiences cannot tell the difference since professional Hollywood writers are so limited in what they are allowed to do that they rarely get to demonstrate any real creativity.
- Following the trend set by the fourth "Indiana Jones" movie, George Lucas and Harrison Ford team up for "Star Wars Episode 7: Revenge of the Prostate". Han Solo and Princess Leia are still getting around in the Millenium Falcon, only now they're holding up half the traffic in the galaxy by flying slow.
- Jealous of the attention received by William Shatner, Mr. T, and Verne Troyer in their "World of Warcraft" commercials, Britney Spears creates an account and starts playing. After the debut of Ms. Spear's WoW commercial, the public starts referring to the game as "World of Whorecraft". Fortunately for Blizzard Entertainment, this makes the game even more appealing to randy teenage boys.
- Inspired by Hollywood "crossover" movies such as "Alien vs. Predator", video game producers announce the release of "Duke Nukem in Marioland" for the Nintendo Wii system. Early market results for the new game are almost as promising as that for the Nintendo DS Browser, prompting a rash of Nintendo game designers to commit ritual seppuku.
- As the original players of Dungeons and Dragons continue to age, D&D replaces Bridge and Gin Rummy as the game of choice in retirement homes all around the world. Nurses and Administrators report a sudden increase in altercations as players try to bluff on die rolls, believing the DM or the other players are too blind to see the difference. Oddly enough, the BS'ing by some players is nearly indistinguishable between the old players and the young players, as both will claim to have the one and only available sword of ultimate monster slaying that never misses no matter how crappy the die rolls or how high the armor class of the opponent, especially when wielded by my level 52 Trillion Ranger who has never been defeated in any battle and is better than any character you've ever played. Yeah, you, you young punk. My Ranger was slaying Turbonium Dragons single-handed when your character was still wetting his swaddling clothes, and that was with D20's carved out of Mastodon bones by hand, and we were damned glad to have 'em!
- Collector Times is bought out by media giant Time Warner, who proceeds to fire all the staff and outsource all our columns to slave labor in Hyderabad, India. Ironically, the Indian slave labor costs Time Warner more money than we would have, since we're all looney volunteers who do this just because we're crazy enough to like it.
- All the Collector Times writers get their columns in a week early. The world ends as hell freezes over, but Sheryl isn't around to see it, since the surprise of not having to remind us repeatedly to not wait until the last minute gives her a massive heart attack.
- With the election results barely settled, bumpersticker and t-shirt printers flood the market on November 5th with materials calling for the impeachment of whoever won the election the day before. Sore losers all over the country print calendars counting down until the inauguration day in 2013, and some village in another state besides Texas will be said to be missing its idiot.
- "Cardan's Pod" is made into a movie by the Sci-Fi channel, thus ruining any hopes I ever had of being taken seriously as a writer. I end up having to change my name and move to Gumstump, Arkansas where I take a job shaving pigs, while hoping no one recognizes me or associates me with the Sci-Fi channel abomination.
Happy New Year, and here's hoping you wonderful things and dreams realized in 2008. See you next month!
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