'Comicdom's Best and Worst Couples' or
'Valentine's Day Count Down'
by Jesse N. Willey

Here we are-- almost Valentine's Day-- when a fanboy's heart turns to love. I have little else to do and someone thought it'd make a good fluff piece so here is a list of the best and worst couples in comics fandom. Let's start with the worst because face it-- that's the funniest part.

  1. Rogue and Gambit (X-Men) -- She's a woman in her mid to late twenties who struggled for years to overcome a somewhat whiny personality to become a strong female character. He's your typical bad boy with an accent who, if what he did in his early appearances were done now, would wind up talking to Chris Hanson. On their own they have potential to be really interesting characters-- particularly Rogue. Together-- she returns to Claremont's standby of the whiny Rogue and Gambit loses his knack for groping thirteen year old girls which is what made him an interesting super hero in the first place. (Don't believe me? Check out him making out with Jubilee during the Shia'ar storyline.)

  2. Archie and Veronica (Various Archie Books): He's your typical middle class fifties teenager still being 'nifty' and 'keen' even the early part of the 21st century. Okay-- he's a bit of a cad but he's really got a good heart. She's the mold from which Paris and Nicole were cast-- only a little smarter and not as nice. Paris at least will perform CPR if she has to-- Veronica might pay Jeeves to do it if she isn't out shopping for shoes. Seriously-- does anybody like these two as a couple? You do-- do you? Well-- you're an idiot.

  3. Scott Summers and Jean Grey (X-Men): He's a man with a stick so far up his butt that it comes out his mouth when he talks. She's a woman who had to be replaced by a psionic entity from another galaxy just to get a personality. They are the most galactically bland couple I've ever seen. I could almost buy them together as a couple except-- oh yeah-- she 'died', he got married (to her clone), left his wife and kid, dated Jean, was seduced by a ninja who thought she was Psylocke and um--- yeah--- and the whole time she wanted to cheat on him with Wolverine. And I thought I had problems.

  4. Scott Summers and Madelyne Pryor (X-Men) - He's -- um-- well you know. She's a clone of Jean Grey with less fat and had to get possessed by demons (and Loki) in order to get a personality. Again-- I totally buy someone going out with someone simply because they look like a dead loved one. I just think the story did nothing save for making me dislike Cyclops more than I was already prone to doing.

  5. Alex Summers and Madelyne Pryor (X-Men) - He's the one guy in the world with a broom stuck higher up his butt than his brother. She's -- um-- well-- yeah I guess you read that already. The mutual revenge screw really made me hate these characters. If that was what you were going for -- good job Claremont.

  6. Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy (Spider-Man) - I know there are fans out there who would slap me for that-- but I never liked those two together. I mean sure-- Gwen was brainier then MJ but that doesn't matter. It takes more than brains to make something work. Peter and Mary Jane had energy. Stan Lee may have intended Peter and Gwen to be the ones for us to root for but it just didn't work. It could be the fact that Gwen suffered from Whiny Silver Age Comics Woman syndrome.

  7. Brainiac Five and Supergirl (Legion)-- He's the smartest guy in the universe and usually about as emotional as Spock on ambien. She's the cousin of the most powerful being in existence. Together they are--- something. The only reason this couple wasn't all the way back there with Archie and Veronica is that they occasionally used the pairing well to actually show Brainy as something other than your typical super genius or robot character. (Particularly the Crisis on Inifinite Earths tie-ins and one of my all time favorite Legion stories ever 'The Secret Weakness of Brainiac Five' which apparently is a talking Supergirl blow up doll. I kid you not.)

  8. Johnny Storm and Crystal (Fantastic Four) Okay-- during the original Lee/Kirby era up through the Roy Thomas era stories I think if I acted the way Johnny did to Crystal to any of the girls I know I'd have been slapped. Actually-- come to think of it-- there's one I can think of who does if I get overly playful. Though she doesn't always do so anymore. My point being-- a woman like Crystal could date any guy she wanted. Why a guy like Johnny Storm? Though their later occasional hook ups were well handled.

  9. Clark Kent and Lana Lang (Superman)-- Normally the old girlfriend from home type is the one people want to win out in the end. To me though-- it struck me as annoying. Maybe because I'm a big fan of the Byrne/Wolfman revisions to Superman. Or maybe because overtime Lana became more outwardly sweet but resentful of having to share Clark with the world while Lois is outwardly sarcastic but ultimately supportive of Clark being Superman. Well that and I find sarcasm to be a real turn on.

    ---- and the number one worst pairing in comics ----

  10. Storm and Black Panther (X-Men and Black Panther) -- These two as couple make no sense. I know T'Challa was retconned into Storm's origin story fairly early on but still-- it's like Marvel just said 'Black Panther is black. Storm is black-- yep they're an item'. It became a continuity foot note until a few years ago when they dug it up. The couple have little to no chemistry. I've seen insulated material with more spark to them. Judging by how they interact -- Storm and Luke Cage I could understand. Sort of. Claremont set up this nice love triangle between Nightcrawler, Storm and Logan and then Storm decides to go date Cheryl Blossom. At least Archie had his reasons.

Now onto the best --

  1. Ayla Rannz and Salu Digby (Legion)-- By the late 80s and early 90s things that indie comics people (like Los Brothers Hernandez) was beginning to seep into mainstream comics. Most of the time these seemed forced and stiff. These two however worked naturally. It felt like real people rather than two fictional characters.

  2. Tenzil Kem (SW6) and Salu Digby (SW6) (Legion)-- As much as I liked the adult Violet and Ayla together, her alternate universe clone and Tenzil had their own sort of spark to it. Though Tenzil and Violet were a little bit of more a classic 1930s Hollywood romantic comedy in space. Which probably why it was so much fun to read. Well, that and my first girlfriend was a very shy young woman and I'm such a loud mouth quick with a quip wiseass that I read those old comics and see just a little of what used to be. Not in a bad way mind you. We all grow.

  3. Steph and Milo (Hero Squared) -- She's an intelligent, kind, sympathetic woman. He's a bum and he's kind of self-centered and sorta stupid so he doesn't quite get that what he's doing is wrong. Together they are just friggin hysterical. It's -- it's like Hepburn and Tracy meets Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. A laugh riot I tell you.

  4. Jubal and Xia (Fallen Angel) -- He's the disgruntled half brother of the magistrate of Bette Noir. She's--- umm--- yeah-- not going there. Together they are sick, sick, sick--- but oh so deliciously evil. It's fun trying to figure out who is playing who. My guess is-- it's not who you think.

  5. Milo and Caliginious (Hero Squared)-- He's still Milo. She's Steph's seductive and evil other dimensional twin and would-be planetary conqueror. Together they are an unwitting puppet and a woman pulling the strings. Still-- sickness and cruelty can be fun.

  6. Archie and Betty (Various Archie books)-- A nice clean Valentine's piece. Right keep mind out of gutter Jess. These two are an absolute delight. There is nothing perverted and disturbing about them. They are sweet and cute and as purely American as Apple Pie. I mean- - how can anyone hate these two together. See -- Sheryl -- I'm not a sick twisted SOB. I'm not . . . honestly.

  7. Captain Valor and Steph (Hero Squared)-- Forget everything I just said. I lied. He's Milo's other dimensional super hero counterpart. She's still Steph. Together they are-- pure heat. The last issue ended with them in bed. I wish Giffen wasn't exclusive with DC so I can see where this is headed. All I know is that it is going to be fun.

  8. Nathan Charles Christopher Askani'san Dayspring Summers and Wade Wilson (Cable/Deadpool): One's a cyborg solider from the future on a quest to save humanity from itself. The other is a psychotic, delusional, gun totting merc with a mouth. Together they share a love -- but only in dream sequences and the occasional recap page. But I have to tell ya -- bwhahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!

  9. Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters (Fantastic Four) -- He's a tough as nails pile of rocks who can be a real softy. She's a blind woman with a patient streak a mile wide. Together they are very sweet. Unlike some other couples Stan Lee came up with -- this one worked. I think Ben realizes an S.O. is a privilege and not a guarantee. Which is something his best friend (and self proclaimed smartest man in the world) didn't realize till at least 1975. Ben may not be as smart as Reed but they raise'em right on Yancy Street.

    And we actually have two couple reach #1

  10. Peter Parker and Mary Jane -- I had a big thing to say here. I really did when I planned this but my esteemed colleague already said all this in his Grey Matters column last month so I had to yank them of the list. Thanks a lot, Jason. You never care what someone else might be writing the next month and you just go ruining everything.

    So really #1 is

  11. Clark Kent and Lois Lane -- He's more powerful than a speed bullet and faster than a locomotive. She's a smart, sarcastic reporter with a lot of spunk. (Three things a woman needs to date me- the fourth being patience.) Come on-- Superman is practically the grandfather of comicdom. Of course he gets #1 spot. This is a list of comics classic 'IT' couples. They are all imitations of that.

And now -- a special bonus feature. The top best and worst shippings I have ever seen. You know those god awful fan chosen pairings that unfortunately occasionally get made canon. I blame the fans for Roz and Frasier, Scully and Mulder and Seymour and Edna. Mocking TV ships is fun. (Kate and Jack-- ewww. Kate and Sawyer double ewww. Kate and Hurley that could work.) But limiting myself to comics I'd have to say:

    ... The worst shipping I've even seen is April and Michaelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What the hell? April is the closest thing they've had to a mom. But let's forget that. They aren't the same species. But this is a comic so let's forget that. It's gross. Why? Have you seen most turtles? They live in the slimiest stuff you can imagine and they tend to carry salmonella.

The Best is hard to figure out. I've always found Jean Grey and Hank McCoy to be somewhat amusing and worthy of honorable mention. But the winner is:

    Betty and Jughead of Archie fame. Actually-- I think this one is technically canon because they used it in one or two issues under the premise that Jughead was just trying to help Betty get Archie back. But there are actually fans who like these two together better than Archie and Betty. Which I guess since Archie is indecisive and grabby is understandable. Jughead is stable. The thing is he's totally disinterested in romance. Or anything that costs more than five dollars and/or inedible. Well-- aside from cooking. He can cook. Maybe that's why women go for Jughead.

Well I've long since overstayed my welcome. Stay tuned next time when I might just tell you the meaning of life. Or maybe I'll just wright another stupid article like this.


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Text Copyright © 2008 Jesse Willey