Here we are-- almost Valentine's Day-- when a fanboy's
heart turns to love. I have little else to do and
someone thought it'd make a good fluff piece so here
is a list of the best and worst couples in comics
fandom. Let's start with the worst because face it--
that's the funniest part.
- Rogue and Gambit (X-Men) -- She's a woman in her
mid to late twenties who struggled for years to
overcome a somewhat whiny personality to become a
strong female character. He's your typical bad boy
with an accent who, if what he did in his early
appearances were done now, would wind up talking to
Chris Hanson. On their own they have potential to be
really interesting characters-- particularly Rogue.
Together-- she returns to Claremont's standby of the
whiny Rogue and Gambit loses his knack for groping
thirteen year old girls which is what made him an
interesting super hero in the first place. (Don't
believe me? Check out him making out with Jubilee
during the Shia'ar storyline.)
- Archie and Veronica (Various Archie Books):
He's your typical middle class fifties teenager still
being 'nifty' and 'keen' even the early part of the
21st century. Okay-- he's a bit of a cad but he's
really got a good heart. She's the mold from which
Paris and Nicole were cast-- only a little smarter and
not as nice. Paris at least will perform CPR if she
has to-- Veronica might pay Jeeves to do it if she
isn't out shopping for shoes. Seriously-- does
anybody like these two as a couple? You do-- do you?
Well-- you're an idiot.
- Scott Summers and Jean Grey (X-Men): He's a
man with a stick so far up his butt that it comes out
his mouth when he talks. She's a woman who had to be
replaced by a psionic entity from another galaxy just
to get a personality. They are the most galactically
bland couple I've ever seen. I could almost buy them
together as a couple except-- oh yeah-- she 'died', he
got married (to her clone), left his wife and kid,
dated Jean, was seduced by a ninja who thought she was
Psylocke and um--- yeah--- and the whole time she
wanted to cheat on him with Wolverine. And I thought
I had problems.
- Scott Summers and Madelyne Pryor (X-Men) -
He's -- um-- well you know. She's a clone of Jean Grey
with less fat and had to get possessed by demons (and
Loki) in order to get a personality. Again-- I
totally buy someone going out with someone simply
because they look like a dead loved one. I just
think the story did nothing save for making me dislike
Cyclops more than I was already prone to doing.
- Alex Summers and Madelyne Pryor (X-Men) - He's
the one guy in the world with a broom stuck higher up
his butt than his brother. She's -- um-- well-- yeah
I guess you read that already. The mutual revenge
screw really made me hate these characters. If that
was what you were going for -- good job Claremont.
- Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy (Spider-Man) - I
know there are fans out there who would slap me for
that-- but I never liked those two together. I mean
sure-- Gwen was brainier then MJ but that doesn't
matter. It takes more than brains to make something
work. Peter and Mary Jane had energy. Stan Lee may
have intended Peter and Gwen to be the ones for us to
root for but it just didn't work. It could be the
fact that Gwen suffered from Whiny Silver Age Comics
Woman syndrome.
- Brainiac Five and Supergirl (Legion)-- He's the
smartest guy in the universe and usually about as
emotional as Spock on ambien. She's the cousin of the
most powerful being in existence. Together they
are--- something. The only reason this couple wasn't
all the way back there with Archie and Veronica is
that they occasionally used the pairing well to
actually show Brainy as something other than your
typical super genius or robot character.
(Particularly the Crisis on Inifinite Earths tie-ins
and one of my all time favorite Legion stories ever
'The Secret Weakness of Brainiac Five' which
apparently is a talking Supergirl blow up doll. I kid
you not.)
- Johnny Storm and Crystal (Fantastic Four)
Okay-- during the original Lee/Kirby era up through
the Roy Thomas era stories I think if I acted the way
Johnny did to Crystal to any of the girls I know I'd
have been slapped. Actually-- come to think of it--
there's one I can think of who does if I get overly
playful. Though she doesn't always do so anymore. My
point being-- a woman like Crystal could date any guy
she wanted. Why a guy like Johnny Storm? Though
their later occasional hook ups were well handled.
- Clark Kent and Lana Lang (Superman)-- Normally
the old girlfriend from home type is the one people
want to win out in the end. To me though-- it struck
me as annoying. Maybe because I'm a big fan of the
Byrne/Wolfman revisions to Superman. Or maybe
because overtime Lana became more outwardly sweet but
resentful of having to share Clark with the world
while Lois is outwardly sarcastic but ultimately
supportive of Clark being Superman. Well that and I
find sarcasm to be a real turn on.
---- and the number one worst pairing in comics ----
- Storm and Black Panther (X-Men and Black Panther)
-- These two as couple make no sense. I know
T'Challa was retconned into Storm's origin story
fairly early on but still-- it's like Marvel just said
'Black Panther is black. Storm is black-- yep they're
an item'. It became a continuity foot note until a
few years ago when they dug it up. The couple have
little to no chemistry. I've seen insulated material
with more spark to them. Judging by how they
interact -- Storm and Luke Cage I could understand.
Sort of. Claremont set up this nice love triangle
between Nightcrawler, Storm and Logan and then
Storm decides to go date Cheryl Blossom. At least
Archie had his reasons.
Now onto the best --
- Ayla Rannz and Salu Digby (Legion)-- By the late
80s and early 90s things that indie comics people
(like Los Brothers Hernandez) was beginning to seep
into mainstream comics. Most of the time these
seemed forced and stiff. These two however worked
naturally. It felt like real people rather than two
fictional characters.
- Tenzil Kem (SW6) and Salu Digby (SW6) (Legion)--
As much as I liked the adult Violet and Ayla together,
her alternate universe clone and Tenzil had their own
sort of spark to it. Though Tenzil and Violet were a
little bit of more a classic 1930s Hollywood romantic
comedy in space. Which probably why it was so much
fun to read. Well, that and my first girlfriend was a
very shy young woman and I'm such a loud mouth quick
with a quip wiseass that I read those old comics and
see just a little of what used to be. Not in a bad way
mind you. We all grow.
- Steph and Milo (Hero Squared) -- She's an
intelligent, kind, sympathetic woman. He's a bum and
he's kind of self-centered and sorta stupid so he
doesn't quite get that what he's doing is wrong.
Together they are just friggin hysterical. It's --
it's like Hepburn and Tracy meets Drew Barrymore and
Adam Sandler. A laugh riot I tell you.
- Jubal and Xia (Fallen Angel) -- He's the
disgruntled half brother of the magistrate of Bette
Noir. She's--- umm--- yeah-- not going there.
Together they are sick, sick, sick--- but oh so
deliciously evil. It's fun trying to figure out who
is playing who. My guess is-- it's not who you
think.
- Milo and Caliginious (Hero Squared)-- He's still
Milo. She's Steph's seductive and evil other
dimensional twin and would-be planetary conqueror.
Together they are an unwitting puppet and a woman
pulling the strings. Still-- sickness and cruelty
can be fun.
- Archie and Betty (Various Archie books)-- A nice
clean Valentine's piece. Right keep mind out of
gutter Jess. These two are an absolute delight.
There is nothing perverted and disturbing about them.
They are sweet and cute and as purely American as
Apple Pie. I mean- - how can anyone hate these two
together. See -- Sheryl -- I'm not a sick twisted SOB.
I'm not . . . honestly.
- Captain Valor and Steph (Hero Squared)-- Forget
everything I just said. I lied. He's Milo's other
dimensional super hero counterpart. She's still
Steph. Together they are-- pure heat. The last issue
ended with them in bed. I wish Giffen wasn't
exclusive with DC so I can see where this is headed.
All I know is that it is going to be fun.
- Nathan Charles Christopher Askani'san Dayspring
Summers and Wade Wilson (Cable/Deadpool): One's a
cyborg solider from the future on a quest to save
humanity from itself. The other is a psychotic,
delusional, gun totting merc with a mouth. Together
they share a love -- but only in dream sequences and
the occasional recap page. But I have to tell ya --
bwhahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!
- Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters (Fantastic Four) --
He's a tough as nails pile of rocks who can be a real
softy. She's a blind woman with a patient streak a
mile wide. Together they are very sweet. Unlike
some other couples Stan Lee came up with -- this one
worked. I think Ben realizes an S.O. is a privilege
and not a guarantee. Which is something his best
friend (and self proclaimed smartest man in the world)
didn't realize till at least 1975. Ben may not be as
smart as Reed but they raise'em right on Yancy Street.
And we actually have two couple reach #1
- Peter Parker and Mary Jane -- I had a big thing
to say here. I really did when I planned this but my
esteemed colleague already said all this in his Grey
Matters column last month so I had to yank them of the
list. Thanks a lot, Jason. You never care what
someone else might be writing the next month and you
just go ruining everything.
So really #1 is
- Clark Kent and Lois Lane -- He's more powerful than
a speed bullet and faster than a locomotive. She's a
smart, sarcastic reporter with a lot of spunk.
(Three things a woman needs to date me- the fourth
being patience.) Come on-- Superman is practically
the grandfather of comicdom. Of course he gets #1
spot. This is a list of comics classic 'IT' couples.
They are all imitations of that.
And now -- a special bonus feature. The top best and
worst shippings I have ever seen. You know those god
awful fan chosen pairings that unfortunately
occasionally get made canon. I blame the fans for Roz
and Frasier, Scully and Mulder and Seymour and Edna.
Mocking TV ships is fun. (Kate and Jack-- ewww. Kate
and Sawyer double ewww. Kate and Hurley that could
work.) But limiting myself to comics I'd have to say:
... The worst shipping I've even seen is April and
Michaelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What
the hell? April is the closest thing they've had to
a mom. But let's forget that. They aren't the same
species. But this is a comic so let's forget that.
It's gross. Why? Have you seen most turtles? They
live in the slimiest stuff you can imagine and they
tend to carry salmonella.
The Best is hard to figure out. I've always found
Jean Grey and Hank McCoy to be somewhat amusing and
worthy of honorable mention. But the winner is:
Betty and Jughead of Archie fame. Actually-- I think
this one is technically canon because they used it in
one or two issues under the premise that Jughead was
just trying to help Betty get Archie back. But there
are actually fans who like these two together better
than Archie and Betty. Which I guess since Archie is
indecisive and grabby is understandable. Jughead is
stable. The thing is he's totally disinterested in
romance. Or anything that costs more than five
dollars and/or inedible. Well-- aside from cooking.
He can cook. Maybe that's why women go for Jughead.
Well I've long since overstayed my welcome. Stay
tuned next time when I might just tell you the meaning
of life. Or maybe I'll just wright another stupid
article like this.
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