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With Father's Day coming up this month, I thought I would devote this month's column to the subject of fathers, and more importantly, to dads. It's a subject that has been particularly on my mind the past few months, and I'd like to articulate my thoughts a bit.
It's been said before that any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. For such a simple statement, I find it remarkably profound. As I see it, a man can become a father with little thought, less intent, and very minor effort on his part. To be a dad, though, a man must want to be one. It involves more than just contributing our genetic material to a child; it involves giving ourselves to our children.
I was very blessed to grow up with a dad in my life, and as this incredible man slowly wastes away in hospice now, I am learning more about what made him the man he turned out to be. His own father was 64 years old when my dad was born. My maternal grandmother passed away when Dad was 12 years old, at which point Grandpa was 76. As I have heard, Grandpa was starting to suffer from senility, and often had trouble differentiating between reality and old memories. For my Dad, his mother was gone and his father wasn't really there, despite still being alive and in the home.
Dad joined the Air Force as a teen-ager, and soon thereafter married a young woman who had grown up just a few doors down from him. Dad was 20 years old when his first child was born, 21 when his second child arrived, and had just turned 23 a few weeks before I, his third and final child, made my appearance. After the Air Force, he worked a variety of jobs to support Mom and us three boys, and for several years went to school at nights to learn a career in computer programming.
I never heard Dad complain about the responsibilities in his life. I never heard him lament about dreams he wasn't able to pursue because he had a family to take care of, nor did I ever hear him say he wished he'd never had us.
Looking at my Dad this past weekend, something occurred to me that I'd never really considered before. Seeing him in the light of his own history, I considered the idea that his dream - his aspiration in life - was to give his children the best dad he could give them.
In my childhood naiveté, I thought all fathers were like that. I thought Dad was typical, and the relationship my parents had with each other was what most marriages were like. It wasn't until I was older and had seen more of the ugly side of the world that I realized just how lucky my brothers and I were.
I believe Dad could have been just about anything he wanted to be. I have no doubt if he'd decided to climb the corporate ladder, he would have ascended to a lucrative position in upper management. He could have pursued the arts, or adventure, or politics. It humbles me to think that he could have been anything, but he wanted to be Mom's husband and my Dad.
In so many ways, I emulated Dad in my life. Like him, I joined the Air Force, and at first had even wanted to follow him into the field of jet engine maintenance, but was dissuaded by the recruiter and directed into electronics instead. Like Dad, I married young, and even ended up working for the same company he had for many years. I never considered it such at the time, but looking back it seems I was just living out the old adage that "mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery". In the back of my mind, I figured if it was good for Dad, it was good for me.
I tried to be the kind of Dad he was to us boys, and I suppose only time will tell how I measured up. Looking at my own children, grown up and incredible in their own ways, I think it must be the grace of God that they turned out as well as they have, considering the mistakes I made.
Still, I think I managed to learn the most important thing from Dad. I didn't just accept being a father; I wanted to be a Dad. I hope I succeeded. I know Dad did.
- I thank you for the music, and your stories of the road.
- I thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go.
- I thank you for the kindness, and the times when you got tough,
- And Papa, I don't think I've said 'I love you' near enough.
- "The Leader of the Band", by Dan Fogelberg
If you grew up with a great dad, be sure to tell him you love him and appreciate him. If you have children, purpose to be more than just a father or mother, decide to be a Dad or Mom. It's your choice, just as it was Dad's choice to make. It may not be as prestigious as the corner office and a company car, but the true impact you make on the world will still be better. The company will quickly replace you when you go, but no one will ever replace a Dad.
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