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Yes! July is here, with the excitement and spectacle of Comic Con just ahead! If you've ever been to Comic Con, you know what that means; the opportunity for regular folk to hobnob with artists, actors, and the staff of Collector Times. Who could ask for anything more?
You may be asking yourself, though, "What else could I do at Comic Con that would be fun and different?" I'm glad you asked! (Okay, so you didn't ask. Humor me, all right? I need to write something for my column this month) Here, without further ado, is my list of ideas for things to do at Comic Con, and which are much better to think about right now than the colonoscopy I have scheduled for this week. Some of these will require a bit of "prep work" (which, trust me, is much more enjoyable than my "prep work" this week), so plan accordingly.
- Have a friend dress in a Star Wars-esque bureaucrat type uniform, and together track down Darth Vader (Vader always attends Comic Con, because behind that wheezy mask and humorless management style, he really is a fun guy and a big fan of Schlock Mercenary). When you catch up with Vader, present him with an envelope marked "Imperial Business - Corsican DNA Laboratories", in which will be the results proving that he really ISN'T Luke's father, but YOUR father. While he was using "Jedi mind tricks" on the Cantina barmaid on Tatooine, Obi Wan was showing Amidala some real "light saber" moves. Luke and Leia are really Obi Wan's kids, and your mother expects some hefty back child support payments for you, which shouldn't be any problem for someone who can afford to build two Death Stars.
- Dress in Victorian era clothing, and wander around with tote bags full of magazines. Introduce yourself to total strangers as a representative of the Arkham Necronomicon and Tract Society, and ask if they would like a copy of the society's "Insane" magazine, which will tell them all about Cthulhu's reign of terror. Be sure to inquire if they know where their souls will digest for all eternity. Invite them to visit the local "Asylum Hall of Cthulhu's Witnesses" to learn more.
- Track down Batman, and tell him you are from Child Protective Services, and you have some questions regarding his relationship with Robin, his court-appointed ward and an under-aged minor. You may reference ample pages from past issues of the Batman comic books as more than sufficient evidence to indicate inappropriate behavior between them. If you need to know where you can find these comic book pages, drop me a note and I'll be glad to tell you. Some people, with plenty of time on their hands, have compiled quite a collection of such evidence.
- Paint yourself green, with hair dyed to match, and dress in tight, torn pants. Wear a shredded t-shirt that is just readable, saying, "Objects in anger are larger than they appear." Play or don't play with the innuendoes and double-entendres all you want. Repeat often, "Not just Hulk; INCREDIBLE Hulk!"
- Inquire at all booths selling videos if they have "The Star Wars Holiday Special". See how long it takes for Lucas Films to send Stormtroopers to escort you from the property. Ask them where their "Life Day" spirit is, and wouldn't it be nice to have a Harvey Korman memorial release of the comedian's only "Star Wars" appearance, particularly since this year is the Holiday Special's 30th anniversary?
- Buy a surplus Navy uniform and wear it to the con with the back of the pants well below your behind. Tell everyone it's your "Sailor Moon" costume.
- Don't change clothes for several weeks before the Con. Sleep in these same clothes, and make sure to spill some booze on yourself many times. Sign up for the costume contest for the most authentic "Hancock" outfit. Bonus points if you look anything like Will Smith. Please stay downwind from me.
Finally, for my number 1 thing to do at Comic Con, which will be much different from anything other people are doing:
(drum roll, please)
- Have a contest with your other Comic Con attending friends to see who can convince the most Collector Times writers to put your name in their Con reports.
Please?
Don't make us beg. Okay, so make us beg, just so long as you talk to us . . .
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