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Dear Santa,
You slimy, lying bastard. When I was ten you sent
me a letter saying that I had gotten too old to on
your delivery route and you cut kids off at ten years
old. Then last year you delivered a gift to my
folks. You know what? It hurt. Especially since you
stopped delivering stuff to my sister when she was 12.
What did I do wrong? Did Rudolph not like the apples
I left for him? Did you prefer Oreos to Chips Ahoy?!
Are you pissed that I insisted my folks leave the fire
going in the chimney till you burned your ass? If
so, I apologize.
Besides that's all pretty tame compared to what you
did. Christopher Nicholas Kringle, you are a terrible
person. I hope you run into Young Justice and Lobo
again this year.
I, on the other hand, have been 75% good this year.
There have been a few minor incidents, but for the most
part I've been good. So here is my Christmas list.
- First, I demand a robot army. As you might
have heard, I've been trying to take over and rule
Greenland. I don't expect you to just fly in and hand
the reins to their country over to me. I mean where
is the fun in that? Supplying me with the arms
necessary to complete the task myself-- that's a whole
other story.
- A single geeky woman in her mid-to-late twenties.
She can be Empress when I takeover Greenland. That
way it won't be lonely at the top.
- One of those phone booths from Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure. My regime would never make a
mistake because as soon as it did-- I could just go
back and prevent myself from doing it. Or I could go
back in time and delete my enemies from ever being
born.
- Some sort of weird pet. What evil overlord
doesn't have a pet? I have dogs but that's not weird
enough. Hairless cats are cliché. Besides, Alf and I
have the same feeling towards cats. Something exotic
but not entirely cute. Something like an orangutan.
- I want you to cancel CSI: Miami.
That's about it.
Sincerely,
Jess
P.S.:
Screw this up for me Fat Man, I'll just go ask
The Hogfather for the same stuff next year. He's
quicker. He delivers on the Solstice, after all.
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