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In keeping with my theme of Eclectic Exegesis, I thought I would take some time this month to discuss an assortment of topical news. Loosely translated, that means I haven't got a clue what to write about, but the deadline is looming so I'd better write something.
First up in our grab-bag of creative commentary is Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle. Odds are, if you have not heard of Susan Boyle by this time, you're also probably not reading this column, because you live where you have no electricity, no television, no internet, and probably entertain yourself by drawing crude pictures on cave walls. Miss Boyle rocketed to internet stardom for her appearance on the show, "Britain's Got Talent". She walked onto the stage, looking more like a dowdy, middle-aged woman going grocery shopping than a contender in a talent program, and was generally treated with condescending scorn by the panel of judges and the audience. The internet clip is worth watching, not only for the incredible voice this woman has, but also for the look on Simon Cowell's face when Miss Boyle belts out the song, "I Dream a Dream" from "Les Miserables" with the kind of voice and polish of a Broadway star.
While Miss Boyle is now adored by millions of people the world over, I imagine there are a few that aren't so thrilled with her. I'm sure there are some of the Pop Tarts that have made recording careers out of having nice bodies and the willingness to bare them in public, that are very jealous of Susan's talent.
Please stay real, Miss Boyle. Pop Tarts like Britney Spears are far too common, and it's time to hear some real talent again.
Flipping around to not-so-good news, The World Health Organization fears a pandemic of Swine Flu, originating from Mexico. Conspiracy theorists are postulating that some evil plot lies behind this merging of human, avian, and swine flu. I'm betting it's more likely the result of some science geek trying to score a date with the hot receptionist, who said she'd go out with him when pigs fly. I guess he should have made sure the birds and pigs he was trying to cross weren't already sick.
Israel, of course, has so far made the best pronouncement concerning the Swine Flu, saying it wasn't kosher and wouldn't be allowed in the country. That approach probably wouldn't work here in the U.S., as far too many people would rather die than give up bacon anyway.
The U.S. Government says they are going to screen the borders to be sure sick people don't come across. All of us here in Southern Arizona are sleeping better hearing that, knowing how well border checks have worked so far in stemming illegal immigration, drug trafficking, and Nigerian Money Scams.
By the way, someone with the same last name as yours has died of Swine Flu, leaving behind the sum of $55,000,000 (Fifty-five million U.S. dollars), and no heirs. I need your help getting this money out of the country, for which I will pay you a generous percentage of the funds.
President Barack Obama has now been in office for 100 days, prompting many people to ask, "Why isn't the country fixed yet?" In all fairness, President Obama has been working hard over the past three months, but as we all know, since "pro" is the opposite of "con", "Congress" is the opposite of "progress".
First Lady Michelle Obama created a bit of both scandal and sensation when she hugged the Queen of England. Other former First Ladies were heard to mutter, "Why didn't anyone tell me that I could do that?"
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad performed a tremendous public service for the world when he got up at the U.N. Conference on Racism and demonstrated what the conference was fighting against. Ahmadinejad also brought his own team of cheerleaders to the conference, and the burqa-clad women were heard to chant, "Mahmoud, Mahmoud, He's our man! If he can't disgust you, no one can!"
The White House Press Corps expressed appreciation for the Iranian President, saying, "Hey, it doesn't matter how good or how bad our President does. We've never elected anyone that Ahmadinejad doesn't make look great by comparison."
In the face of a National Budget crisis, the United States Mint has released a newly redesigned penny for 2009. The new coin features Lincoln's log cabin on the back, instead of the Lincoln Memorial. This makes perfect sense; log cabins are much cheaper to build than marble memorials, so the savings of replacing the Memorial on each cent with a log cabin should add up quickly to solve our deficit problems.
Finally, General Motors Corporation has been running ads lately, comparing their products to competitors Honda and Toyota. The down-to-earth spokesman points out the features of the GM cars, and reminds the viewers of what GM has that Toyota and Honda don't. Funny, though, that he fails to mention the biggest things GM has that Toyota and Honda don't have - a faltering business, billions in Government bailout loans, long perceptions of quality problems, poor market foresight, and bankruptcy looming on the horizon. It's gotten so bad that GM doesn't just want you to buy a Saturn; they want someone to buy the whole Saturn division. Yep; you read that right. Saturn is for sale.
I guess it makes sense. They already expect the Government to pull loads of money for them out of Uranus.
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