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Television commercials are, by and large, a mixed-bag. Some make us laugh, and we remember them for many years because we enjoyed the witty and creative way the product was promoted. Others leave us shaking our heads, wondering how anyone could have thought such a stupid campaign was a good idea, and between the two extremes are commercials that make so little impression on us that we soon forget them entirely.
There's one other class of commercial, though, that almost haunts us - the Creepy Commercials. These are the ones that leave us wondering, "Did anyone stop and think about how that comes across?" I've been thinking about some of these lately (I can't exactly put my finger on WHY, but I have), and so thought it might be entertaining to look at some of them.
Some of the creepiest in recent memory were the Burger King commercials a few years back, where the costumed guy in the Burger King mask keeps appearing in unexpected places - including outside someone's bathroom window. Now, maybe they were trying to promote the idea of people thinking about Burger King food at various times of the day, but what it really came across as was "creepy Burger King stalker." Think about it; even if you really like Burger King food, do you want to have him standing at your bathroom window, watching you? This is "peeping tom" territory, otherwise known as felony voyeurism. If any of us were caught peeking into someone's bathroom window, we could find ourselves facing prison time, and a lifetime on the Registered Sex Offenders list. I don't know about the executives at Burger King, but this isn't how I'd want the public avatar of my company to be perceived.
Yes, I resisted including the obvious "Whopper" jokes. You can thank me later.
Not quite as creepy, but still pretty bad were the "Viva Viagra" commercials. If you never saw them, it was a bunch of guys doing a barn jam-session, singing about Viagra to the tune of the old Elvis Presley standard, "Viva Las Vegas." I don't know what planet the commercial writer lives on, but here on Earth, men do not typically get together to discuss such personal things as the problem that Viagra is advertised to help correct. There is a very good reason why men don't talk about these things - in most groups of men, you will find that there is always an underlying philosophy of, "no mercy." Were I suffering from ED, I would NEVER, EVER, tell my co-workers about it, because I would then NEVER, EVER, hear the end of it. We darned sure wouldn't get together and sing about the wonders of Viagra, because that would imply that they were also admitting to suffering from ED, and even if every single one of them had the condition, they would keep it a secret for the exact same reason I would.
Trust me on this - my co-workers still harass each other over things that happened ten to fifteen years ago, and which were not nearly as personal or potentially embarrassing as ED. Nope. If any guy is going to sing the praises of Viagra, it's going to be with the person who is helping enjoy the benefits of the drug, and frankly, to think of that being a barn-full of other guys is just wrong. The Gay Community has fought for acceptance, and implying a big gay barn orgy is counter-productive to that effort.
Cialis, of course, isn't much better with their bathtub commercials. It isn't the idea of two people in love enjoying a bath together, but rather the setting of two side-by-side bathtubs out in the middle of wide open spaces. Perhaps I'm just missing some special symbolism of the bathtubs, but in my book, if I were to have a lost ability restored by Cialis, I darn sure wouldn't waste my time and energy hauling two bathtubs and the water to fill them out to some scenic look-out over the ocean. Camping gear, maybe, but bathtubs? No. "Yes, dear, the Cialis is working, but I'm just too darned wore-out from schlepping these bathtubs and a hundred gallons or more of heated water to do anything about it."
Feminine hygiene commercials have long been a bastion of weird and creepy, not so much for the commercials themselves, but rather for the perception they want to give that women really have nothing better to talk about than what products they use for that time of the month. In my fifty years of life, I've known quite a lot of women, and almost all of them were capable of conversing on a wide variety of interesting subjects, so why are they constantly shown in these commercials talking about nothing except how comfortable and absorbent this particular brand of maxi-pad is? Granted, I am a man, and therefore think and react as a man would, but I can't help think that these commercials are more than a tad-bit insulting and condescending. About the only thing I imagine could be worse is to combine the typical Feminine Hygiene commercial with the Geico Caveman campaign, and tell us that this product is so easy, a Cavewoman could use it.
Speaking of Geico, am I the only one that finds the money with eyes appearing in strange places to stare at people a little disturbing?
Another that was just plain creepy was for a brand of dietary supplement to promote regularity. The commercial shows the same three guys, showing up in the men's room at work at the same time every day, taking the same three adjacent stalls every day. Now, if I were the supervisor of these three men, and I noticed that all three of them disappeared to the same bathroom, at the same time, every day, I would get a bit suspicious. At the very least, this isn't normal guy behavior. Men have a tendency to acknowledge each other as little as possible in the men's room, and when given the choice, will always leave an open stall or urinal between themselves. Why are they in adjacent stalls at the same time every day? Are they passing a joint back and forth beneath the dividers? Are they corporate spies, meeting covertly to transfer stolen files under the guise of their daily bowel movements? Or, the creepiest option of all, do they just happen to get some kind of weird thrill out of synchronized defecation?
Never mind. Now that I think about it, I really just don't want to know. If you ever needed a good justification to turn off the telly and read a good book, these commercials might just do the trick.
Next month's column will be coming to you from Beqa Lagoon, Fiji, where my wife and I will be spending the last week of February to celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary (which happens this first week of February). I'm not sure what it will be about yet, but I can't imagine scuba diving in paradise and not finding some inspiration for a column. See you then.
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