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Last November, my wife and kids gave me a Utilikilt for my birthday. For those unfamiliar with them, Utilikilts are a modern adaptation of the classic Scottish kilt, incorporating useful pockets, machine-washable fabrics, and a price far lower than what a traditional woolen kilt would cost. They are designed to be a practical, everyday-wear kilt, and it wasn't long before I ordered my second Utilikilt. While I haven't worn a kilt every day, I have worn them on average several days a week over the past year, and I've learned a few things. This, then, is my Practical Primer for Wearing a Kilt.
Why wear a kilt? Well, for one, they're mighty comfortable. While bifurcated garments have certain practical considerations, men wore unbifurcated garments for untold millennia before someone decided to make the first pair of pants.
For another, one of the joys of wearing a kilt is that you're quite likely going to be the only guy around wearing one. The first thing you need to get used to will be the inevitable questions, that even total strangers will feel compelled to ask you. A kilt is going to get you attention in most places here in the U.S., and you have to decide if this is going to bother you. If you're anti-social, and don't like talking to random strangers, then a kilt is probably not for you. If, on the other hand, you like being unique and standing out from the crowd, a kilt will definitely help you do that.
A kilt will not make you irresistible to women, so if you imagine you're going to put on a kilt and suddenly have throngs of ladies scrambling for your attention, forget it. If they weren't lusting after you before you put on the kilt, they probably won't be afterwards, either. However, you will find far more women admiring your savvy fashion sense and impeccable taste. Seriously. I'm not kidding about that. There are lots of women who love to see men in kilts, and aren't afraid to tell you so. Get used to it.
To determine if you're ready for a kilt, ask yourself this question: is there any of my normal day-to-day situations that I would be embarrassed or ashamed to wear a kilt for? If you can think of some, you may not be ready for a kilt. Possible exceptions to this are if you have a job that requires you to climb ladders around other people, or you work someplace where you regularly walk across a glass floor above other people. In such cases, modesty and/or personal discretion may compel you to not wear a kilt for such occasions.
Once you have decided to wear a kilt, you must be ready for the most common question asked of kilt-wearers, and that is concerning what is worn under the kilt. In the first week or so of wearing a kilt, I was asked more concerning my undies, than I had been asked in fifty years of wearing jeans. People who had never given a previous thought to my skivvies suddenly seemed obsessed about them, and didn't seem to mind at all asking.
This, not incidentally, is another of those questions you should ask yourself regarding kilt wearing. Kilt purists will tell you that it's only a kilt if there's nothing worn beneath it, otherwise, it's a skirt. This is not a universally accepted philosophy, though, and some men will elect to wear their favored unmentionables with their kilts. Personally, I don't tend to be a wardrobe snob, and I figure it's really none of my business what's beneath your kilt. No, I insist - I DON'T want to know.
There are long lists, though, of amusing answers men have thought up for the question of, "What's beneath your kilt?" In most cases, when I'm asked, I smile and politely tell the person that it's not an appropriate question, particularly when I'm asked at work. I do find it rather amusing that women at work think nothing of asking such a question, even though it would seriously risk a sexual harassment complaint if I asked them a similar question regarding what was beneath their outer clothing.
Male co-workers and acquaintances may act a bit uncomfortable around you when you first start wearing a kilt. In some cases, this is due to them secretly wishing they had the nerve to wear one. In other cases, it's due to their own insecurities regarding any form of dress that isn't conventional. They may confuse it with cross-dressing, which would only be the case if you're a woman wearing a man's kilt. A good sense of humor helps with such things, and before long few people will worry about it any longer. They may still threaten to hurt you if you go anywhere near a ladder, but they'll figure out you're the same guy they've known all along.
Well, in most ways. You may find that wearing a kilt gives you a different attitude. You may feel more confident and in charge, though that can be accentuated even more if you've strapped a Scottish Claymore to your back. While a real claymore may not be an option for most of us, I do find it much more fun now to grab the Nerf Marauder sword from the toy department, and run through the store like Rob Roy.
One word of warning, though: in certain venues, you may hear someone yell, "KILT CHECK!" I'm not sure what the appropriate response to this challenge is. Perhaps, we're supposed to recreate the scene from "Braveheart," and pretend we're mooning the English King. I don't know. This has not happened to me yet, but I suspect it is far more likely to happen to a younger, better looking man. If, instead, you are middle-aged like me, and were no Brad Pitt even in your prime, it's far less likely anyone is going to want to see what is beneath your kilt to prove it's a kilt.
It's also rather fun to drop random comments such as, "I haven't worn pants all weekend," particularly if you're talking to someone over the phone from an obviously public place. If the person doesn't know you wear kilts, but knows you've just spent several hours at the mall without any pants on, the reactions you can get from them are priceless.
The occasional ignoramus may mock you, but if you're not man enough to ignore what some moron thinks, you're not man enough to wear a kilt anyway. You wear a kilt because you want to, not because the ranks of office drones all think we should look and act alike (or, worse, some wannabe juvenile delinquent with his pants down around his thighs thinks you look funny).
Have you thought about a kilt? If so, then my advice is to go for it. I expect that you'll find, as I have, that it's incredible to become that guy, instead of just another one of those guys.
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