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Scientists recently announced that they have discovered the reason that the Vikings disappeared from Greenland many hundreds of years ago. According to studies, the Vikings left their North Atlantic settlement because of climate change. The evidence indicates the people were surprised when their near-Arctic paradise suddenly started getting colder, and they departed for warmer digs.
Where that might have been, they don't say, but I suspect they died of heat exhaustion rowing those boats somewhere around Norway.
Through the miracles of modern science fiction, however, I've discovered the error in the scientists' findings. With an invention of my own design (patent pending, soon to be available from Ronco only through a special television offer, so CALL NOW!), I was able to contact Tjolnir, a Viking warrior formerly of the Greenland settlement, and his shipmate, Gjuki. What they had to tell me was quite interesting.
- Me: Excuse me, sir? Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?
- Tjolnir: By Odin's beard! My oar is talking!
- Me: Um, no sir, my voice is projecting in front of you. It only appears to be emanating from your oar.
- Tjolnir: Gjuki, look here. My oar is talkin' to me. Vot you tink of dat?
- Gjuki: I tink you bin sucking down too much surströmming. Dot latest batch got a kick, yah? Vy, last night I tot my svord vas a mutton-leg. I lost another tooth tryin' to take a bite, before ol' Sven took it avay and ate it himself. Vot a selfish bas-
- Me: Gentlemen -
- Tjolnir: Vot dis 'gentlemen?' You know any men vot's gentle, Gjuki?
- Gjuki: Yah, I gutted vun or two on dat last raid. Dey so gentle, dey not put up much fight ven I take deir sheep.
- Tjolnir: Oh, yah! Dem sheep put up more fight den some of dem men.
- Me: Anyway, I understand you are from the now abandoned Greenland settlement?
- Tjolnir: Greenland? Dot vot you call it? Ve called it Helheim. Glad to be out of dat place, yah.
- Me: Helheim? You called it Hell? Why did you stay there for so long, if it was so bad that you called it Hell?
- Tjolnir: Vell, it vasn't so bad at first. No nosy neighbors, lots of land ve could farm, and a goot place to launch raids from.
- Me: So, what happened to turn it bad?
- Gjuki: Vot happened, he asks. (nasty unintelligible sound follows)
- Tjolnir: Ve tell you vot happened, all right.
- Gjuki: You tell dot oar vot happened.
- Me: What? Was it some kind of calamity?
- Tjolnir: Yah, it vas a calamity, all right. Ve got new government, dot vot happened.
- Me: Wait - a new government drove your from Greenland?
- Tjolnir: In a vay, yah. Dis new government - dey decide all kinds of tinks for us, like vot kind vood ve could burn in fire, vot color our boats should be, and den dey decide ve need to get permits for raids.
- Gjuki: Yah, permits for raids, und ve had to pay to apply for dem. Men vot never fought in raid in der lives, vas telling us how to run raids, and den telling us to pay dem before ve even left for de raid.
- Me: So, why didn't you just get rid of the the new government?
- Tjolnir: Ve tried.
- Gjuki: Oh, yah, ve tried und tried!
- Tjolnir: But dem government types, dey like rats. You kill vun, und tree more run in to take deir place. De more ve tried to get rid of dem, de bigger government ve gots.
- Gjuki: It gots so it vasn't even fun killin' dem no more. Dey jus' said it vas proof dey needed more government to deal vit us.
- Tjolnir: So ve all jus' up und left, yah.
- Me: But, what of the settlement? What do you think is going to happen to it?
- Tjolnir: Me? I tink dey froze by now. Vy, dem government types vas passin' laws against it gettin' any colder ven ve left. Der vasn't much left but dem government types, und none of dem vas able to so much as catch a sheep, let alone butcher vun out for dinner.
- Gjuki: Eh, dey maybe stay varm a vhile by burnin' deir lawbooks. Dey had enuff stacks uv dose to heat a village for a couple uv vinters.
- Tjolnir: If dey know how to start a fire, yah?
- Gjuki: Oh, dey know how to start a fire - dey pass a law vot says de fire must burn, den punish der vood vhen it don't catch fire.
- Me: So, where are you men headed now?
- Tjolnir: Ve head vest, for big, new land vere no government bother us.
- Gjuki: Yah, by time government get dere, ve all dead und in Valhalla, so ve jus' laff at stupid laws.
- Me: Well, thank you. I suspect the next time you see me, you'll be laughing.
- Tjolnir: Vot? I see my oar every day. Maybe next time you talk, you'll tell me someting funny, yah?
- Me: Um, sure.
So there you have it folks. A Collector Times exclusive with the Lost Vikings of Greenland, proving once again that, if nature isn't enough to screw up your life, government will be.
See you next month.
- Tjolnir: Hey, Gjuki. Are ve lost Vikings?
- Gjuki: Mebbe ve are. Ol' Sven sure vouldn't stop and ask for directions, vould he? I said yesterday dat I tink ve been rowin' in circles for days now.
- Me: Shoot. How do I shut off this darned machine?
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