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Televangelist Pat Robertson recently said on the 700 Club television program, that it was possible - but not likely - that thrift store clothing could be possessed by demons. Many have been mocking Robertson for this statement, but I think he's actually downplaying the problem in order to prevent wholesale panic in the streets. After all, this has been an increasing problem ever since budget cuts forced the Vatican to stop supplying Holy Water to the Goodwill laundry rooms, and while Tide with Oxyclean does a pretty good job of getting out those tough stains, demons are just a bit more stubborn than last night's pasta sauce.
I regularly wear thrift store clothing, as it doesn't make much sense to me to pay the full retail price for new clothes that are likely going to get ruined at work anyway. Twenty dollars for a work shirt from the Department store, versus three dollars from the Thrift store? No contest, and I don't feel nearly so bad when a three dollar shirt gets ripped on a protruding screw in a machine I'm repairing. It never occurred to me, though, that this clothing might be demon possessed, but now that Robertson mentions it, it explains a lot.
You see, our Momma taught us boys proper manners, and how such behavior as passing gas in public is rude and unacceptable. It's a lesson that sticks with me to this day, and often results in some uncomfortable moments, when I must refrain from releasing pressure around other people. These thrift-store purchased pants, however, must have a wicked demon in them. He seems to delight in making raspberry noises at inopportune times, and exhaling some of his nasty brimstone breath, because I just KNOW that sound and that odor did NOT come from me.
Memo: ask my one co-worker if he buys his pants from thrift stores. He must have at least two or three demons possessing his trousers.
The demon is also the one that pulls down the fly at the most potentially embarrassing moment. I certainly didn't forget to zip back up after the last pit-stop. This is a good reason to not buy both pants and underwear at the thrift store. If the pants demon and the undies demon start working together, I could end up finding myself added to a certain disreputable registry.
I've seen others that must be wearing demon-possessed clothing. It's difficult to imagine any other logical explanation for pants that wind up in such a "wedgie" condition. I mean, pants are designed to cover the bottom, not crawl up inside of it. That has to be a demon.
Demons also love to mess with your head. They let the fabric relax so that a given garment seems to fit perfectly when we're trying it on, but a week or so later, the draw it back in and make the clothes too tight. By the way, they also love pushing down on the scale when you step on, so it looks like you weigh more than you do. They think this is funny, the bastards.
Now, lest you think this situation is hopeless, American ingenuity always manages to find a solution to every problem. Coming soon from Proctor and Gamble ("Our logo is NOT satanic!") is a brand new laundry detergent guaranteed to wash those demons right out of your wardrobe. Based on a formula used for centuries for washing bed linens and vestments in monasteries and nunneries the world over, new "ExorZest" promises to dislodge even the most persistent hellspawn from your thrift store treasures. In double-blind studies conducted in six hundred and sixty six U.S. cities, clerics from a diverse assortment of creeds and disciplines all agreed that socks washed in ExorZest were whiter, brighter, and less infused with abominable spirits than socks washed in Brand A.
Just look at these unsolicited testimonials!
An LDS Bishop in St. George, Utah writes, "For years, I had a problem with my dress shirt fighting with my Temple Garment, but after washing the shirt in ExorZest, my clothing now exists in spiritual harmony!"
"I thought I would always be stuck with a bad habit," wrote a nun from New York. "ExorZest washed the bad right out of my habit, and now I can go about my daily devotions without distraction!"
Or this from a Southern Baptist minister in Georgia. "I started to dread preachin' 'bout hellfire and brimstone, 'cause every time I did, it felt like I was standin' right there in the very fires of HELL ITSELF, HALLELUJAH! I finally realized it was a demon, A DEMON, I TELL YOU, getting' hot under the collar when I preached. ExorZest sent that demon packin', PRAISE JESUS, and now I can preach as long as I need. CAN I GET AN AMEN?"
Oh, and gentlemen? The next time your wife asks you if this dress makes her butt look fat, stop a moment and think about where she got it. Is that a thrift store dress? If so, then run and get some ExorZest before you answer. Some demon is puffing out the clothing to make her butt look huge, while pulling the fabric in close whenever she looks in a mirror. Her butt really isn't that big. It's just the demon playing tricks on you, trying to get you in trouble.
The demon is also the one making the pooting noises. Remember that.
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