| |
This is your Roving Reporter Rick, bringing you another Collector Times Exclusive, straight from Middle Earth. Through extensive research, determined persistence, and with the help of a well-hydrated male dog, I have discovered the location of the fabled missing Entwives of Middle Earth. After a protracted and profuse apology for an incident involving said male dog, I managed to convince them to grant me an interview. Joining me here are three of the Entwives that have agreed to answer questions on record. Since their names are nearly unpronounceable in English, for the purposes of this interview I will refer to them as Pine, Willow, and Aspen.
Rick: Thank you, ladies, for agreeing to speak with our readers today.
Willow: Just remember the conditions - do NOT reveal where we are, under ANY circumstances.
Rick: Of course, but why the concern? After all, the Ents have been searching for you for untold centuries.
Aspen: And they can keep searching, as far as we're concerned. They think they lost us. We made a point, though, of losing THEM.
Rick: I'm confused. You purposely lost them?
Pine: Have you ever hung around with the Ents?
Rick: I've only read about them in the books. I've not actually had a chance to meet one.
Aspen: Be glad. By the time they got through one round of introductions, you'd probably die of old age.
Pine: Or boredom.
Rick: But, surely, as Entwives, you must share similar traits?
Willow: We're very treelike, yes, but there is a big difference. While the Ents are all slow-growth trees, we're more of the fast growing varieties.
Pine: I'm sure you've noticed that this interview so far has only taken a few minutes. It would have taken you DAYS to get this much out of the Ents.
Rick: So, you actually find their pace a problem?
Aspen: Do you know how long it took my husband to propose to me? No? Well, I don't either. I got so tired of waiting for him to finish popping the question, that I just said yes to shut him up.
Rick: If it bothered you that much, why did you agree?
Aspen: Because if I hadn't, he would have recruited my father to help talk me into agreeing, and if there is anything more annoying than one Ent trying to convince you to see things his way, it's TWO Ents doing so.
Rick: I . . . see. So, is this why you all ended up leaving them?
Willow: Partly, but mostly, it's their sense of humor.
Rick: Ents have a sense of humor?
Willow: If that's what you want to call it.
Pine: THEY certainly think they're funny.
Rick: Is their humor cruel or abusive? Is that why you felt you had to leave?
Aspen: No, it's just stupid, but Entkind live a LONG time. Just how many centuries can you hear the same idiotic line repeated over and over?
Rick: That bad?
Pine: Every time my husband was ready to go to his work of herding trees, he'd chuckle that horrid Ent laugh of his and say, 'Time for me to leaf, my dear.' EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Aspen: Mine always said he was heading to the Branch Office. If I didn't laugh, he was certain I was angry at him.
Rick: Well, corny for certain, but it doesn't seem that bad.
Willow: Oh, that's not the worst of it. They kept up their idea of witty banter when they were feeling romantic, too.
Pine: What every girl wants to hear over and over for centuries - 'Entwife! It's vacation time! Here - let me pack your trunk!'
Aspen: I was supposed to act flattered and amused at the same time, whenever my husband announced that he had 'wood' for me.
Rick: Really? They said that stuff?
Pine: Really. You would think in five hundred years, with all that time they spend in the field herding the trees, that they could dream up at least ONE new line to use, but NO. What was it your husband always said, Willow?
Willow: That he was getting too full of sap, and needed some tapped off. Why did I ever agree to marry a maple?
Pine: Oh, and the worst of it? I'm an evergreen. Can you imagine how I felt every winter when I would catch my husband looking at all the deciduous Entwives, and lamenting that he never sees me naked?
Willow: At least yours noticed. I'd been without foliage for two months before my husband asked if I'd changed styles or something.
Aspen: All mine ever commented on was that he could see my beaver. You'd think he would have tried to chase that furry pest away, instead of just standing there while it tried to gnaw at my trunk. For all I know, he doesn't even realize I've left. He probably thinks I was felled and ended up in some dam place.
Willow: Well, all I know is that ever since we lost them, I haven't found myself weeping even once.
Pine: Say, what do you suppose they're doing without us?
Rick: Well, there was that one battle -
Aspen: Probably spilling their seeds on the ground.
Willow: They always were good at that, weren't they?
Rick: I think maybe it's time for me to go . . .
Aspen: You know why they haven't ever found us? By the time they get done asking for directions, the map has changed!
Pine: You mean, by the time they finally DECIDE to ask for directions.
Willow: Say, you managed to find us. So, how long has it been since you climbed a tree?
Aspen: You're a writer, huh? Ever do any love poems? I'd love to hear a love poem that didn't take six weeks to recite the first verse.
Pine: Come over here, and I'll show you my cones.
Rick: Um, where's my dog? I really need to go find my dog.
Willow: We'll help you look. Here, just shimmy up my branches and see what you can find.
Aspen: Or my branches. Did you ever see such nice bark before?
Rick: This is Rick Higginson, signing off for Collector Times, and running away, VERY VERY fast . . .
Pine: Where are you going? You have such a nice beard. You remind me of this one wizard that visited many years ago . . .
|