'Twas the week before Christmas,
And the shoppers in vain,
Were looking for presents -
The crowds were insane!
My wife was off looking
At this and at that,
While I bought my brother
A teddy bear hat.
When what to my dry,
Reddened eyes should appear
But a sad, weary Santa Claus,
Drinking a beer!
I humbly approached,
And inquired of him
Why had his countenance
Fallen so dim?
He gave me a look,
And said after a pause,
"Do you know what it's like
To be Santa Claus?
"My beard has been pulled,
My suit has been torn,
The reindeer are bloated
On buttered popcorn.
"My sleigh has been stripped,
The castle's been tagged,
As a security risk,
My passport's been flagged.
"And children don't care
To be good anymore.
Their parents just buy
What they want from the store!
"There aren't even cookies
Left out Christmas Eve.
Why, I don't know if kids,
Even want to believe!"
He took one more drink,
And then closed his eyes.
Shook his head slowly,
And started to rise.
Then his eyes opened wide,
And fixed me with a stare,
Touched the side of his nose,
And rose up in the air.
But I heard him exclaim
As he checked off his role,
"Ho ho ho, kiddies!
You're ALL getting coal!"