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A new year is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than by rehashing the year that just ended. 2013 was a surprising year, particularly since the world was supposed to end in December 2012. Spiritualists claim that on January 1st, 2013, the ghosts of millions of Mayans were rolling on the clouds laughing, repeating over and over, "They believed it! They believed it!"
2013 will be remembered as the year North Korea tried to start a nuclear war with the United States. Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, released details of his plans to launch a pre-emptive strike against the U.S., specifically targeting Los Angeles and Washington, D.C. Reportedly fascinated with the American National Basketball Association, Kim Jong-un is thought to have chosen Los Angeles in response to the L.A. Lakers poor showing in the 2013 season. The looming war was averted, however, when someone gave the Supreme Leader a Snickers candy bar, revealing that Kim Jong-un turns into a real warmonger when he's hungry.
The top-grossing movie of 2013 was "Iron Man 3," taking in a whopping $409 million in box office. Ironically (get it, haha?), more money was spent on Junior Mints by viewers of Iron Man 3, than was spent on movie tickets for the bottom grossing movie of 2013, "Storage 24," which amassed a total of $72 in ticket sales. "Storage 24" released on January 18th, 2013, meaning its total is for the entire year. Compare that to the year's second highest grossing movie, "Hunger Games: Catching Fire," which released in late November and still amassed just over $400 million. I don't know, folks. If I were in the cast of a successful movie like "Iron Man" or "Hunger Games," I think I would have bought out the theater for "Storage 24" a couple of times, just to help propel them over a hundred bucks. When your movie grosses more in one Podunk town's theater, than another movie grosses in its entire run, it's so sad that someone has got to feel some pity.
The Healthcare.gov website was launched in 2013, at a reported cost of $319 million. Plagued by problems and a general embarrassment to the Government, the public response to the website has been somewhat lackluster at best. Plans to salvage the website and the Government's image have turned to the SyFy Channel, based on their surprise success with 2013's 'B' Movie hit, "Sharknado." SyFy reportedly spent about $1 million on the made-for-cable film, which managed to achieve the "it's so bad it's a cult hit" status almost immediately. Government advisors are pointing to SyFy since they have the uncanny ability to take something that is total crap, and somehow make it work.
Miley Cyrus has assumed the crown of the Paparazzi Princess with her break-out antics in 2013. Following in the footsteps of her former Disney predecessors Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, Miley shocked viewers of the Video Music Awards program with her routine of twerking and rubbing onstage. Subsequent public displays have elicited exuberant expressions of thanksgiving from tabloid publishers worldwide, who were running out of things to say about Snooki and the Kardashians.
Hillary Clinton stepped down from the office of Secretary of State in February 2013, paving the way for former Presidential candidate John Kerry to assume the office. Possibly seeming a little slow on the uptake, Kerry finally realized in December that North Korea could be a serious threat to the stability of the Western Pacific region, cued in on the fact by the execution of Kim Jong-un's uncle. Really John? The execution of a family member by a despot is a more serious indicator of instability than threatening a pre-emptive nuclear strike? You can't make this stuff up, folks.
2013 will also be remembered as the year we learned an outfit in the Netherlands is proposing a new Reality Television show centered around the colonization of Mars. One wonders if this will be called, "The Real Housewives of Mars," or, "Keeping Up with the Martians," and if the typical reality TV model will prevail, with ample conflicts. One thing is for certain, though - getting kicked out of the colony is going to suck big time. That's a loooong distance to try and hitchhike home.
The City of Detroit filed for bankruptcy in July of 2013, blaming Union pensions and other such expenses for their anemic cash flow problems. By the end of 2013, homes in Detroit could be gotten for a song, and were even being proposed as free homes for writers. As a writer, I appreciate the gesture, but I wonder just what kind of stories I could manage to write while living in one of the most depressed cities in the Nation? Wait - this just might explain the Twilight saga.
Perhaps Detroit should take a cue from the State of Colorado, which passed a law in 2013 that took effect on January 1st, 2014, legalizing recreational marijuana usage. The sale of marijuana could be a boon economically to the city, and the usage might just raise the morale of the area dramatically. It might not improve conditions overall, but would anyone care? To be truthful, haven't we all suspected someone in Detroit was smoking something ever since General Motors greenlighted the Pontiac Aztek?
Whatever you remember from 2013, though, I hope 2014 holds wonderful things in store for you. See you next month!
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