From: Ashmaggot, Director of Stygian Innovations To: Beelzebub Re: Ripe Opportunity   I am writing to you today, oh most magnificent Prince of Darkness, to bring to your attention an opportunity that has recently presented itself to us. As I am sure you are aware, the mortal realm has made excellent profit by utilizing prison labor for various tasks. The prisoners are paid pitiful wages, allowing the services to be marketed for highly competitive prices without impacting profits. I believe we can adapt this business model for our population of damned souls here in Hell. While we cannot undertake material manufacturing enterprises, despite the accusations of such products as the Yugo and "The Star Wars Holiday Special" being from Hell, we can enter the phone center market with a simple communication system bridging the barrier which stands between the temporal and eternal realms. Considering how many mortal corporations have outsourced phone centers to other countries, despite the frustration and dissatisfaction their customers express over language issues, we have a distinct edge in this endeavor. Since our fiery pits are filled with humans of every conceivable dialect, including some languages that are not even spoken by the mortals any longer, we can offer the corporate board the promise of phone operators that speak the same language as their customers, without exception. As to how this will mesh with your most nefarious objectives, I can assure you we will be able to exploit this project to the fullest. While we will sell this to our corporate customers as truly efficient and effective service for their customers, once we have them hooked (and the succubi on our sales team WILL get them hooked), we will then migrate our business practices from connecting each caller with a representative that speaks their language and can help them, to other representatives that they cannot understand and who know nothing about the issues they need resolved. This will, of course, result in ample frustration and cursing on the part of the mortal callers. Additionally, while we have them on-hold (which will be frequent), we can use subliminal temptations and suggestions to sway them towards our objectives. Greed, Envy, Lust, Rage - all may be induced through the most subtle whispers hidden in the "hold music," and mortals are notorious for remaining on the line, waiting for their promised turn in the queue. After all, we pointedly remind them that if they hang-up, they will end up at the end of the line when they call back. It is the perfect little sample of Hell on Earth. All the while, we will be collecting funds from our customers, which we will be able to invest in other enterprises within the mortal realm. I would suggest that we could use said monies to purchase more politicians, but we already own the overwhelming majority of them, anyway. Since I know that you are most impressed with results, please review the attached file with the data of our test-run, providing phone support for a recently launched Government website. I am confident you will find the response more than satisfactory. I and my colleagues await your approval to implement this proposal. Until then, I remain your fearful and loyal subject, Ashmaggot

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