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Hello Ladies and Gents. Here I am for another
review of all the crap that surfaces and has an
almost unmentionable budget! This month I'll
review two films that have made me cry, not
because they were dramatic in any way, but
because they were so bad.
Here's a little history to back things up. My
video store has recently had a storm of bad horror
movies that no one rents except for me. As a matter
of fact they all end up in the discount bin in less
then two months, I'm guessing they get these films
cuz they're cheap and they can make it look like
they have a big selection. The selection ranges from
Route 66, Tremors 3, Wishmaster 3, Typhoon,
Crocodile.. but the two I'll be concentrating on are
Drive-in and Convent. Let's start with the worst and
finish with the best.
Drive-in. So the opening credits of this movie
show that this film has been filmed with a video
camera, a la Redneck Zombies. Thats cool,
doesn't bother me! Credits roll with names I've
never heard of, but then a credit caught me off
guard, "Drive-thru movie footage provided by
Troma", right then and there I was all like, "Holy
shit! Troma is cool! well... most of their stuff! This
movie is gonna rock!" 10 minutes later I was
already begging to shut it off. The story revolves
around a drive-in (who would of thought) and a
little boy (who's played by a 40 year old man)
whose mom won't let him watch the pictures, but he
always sneaks out and watches them anyway. One
day his mom locks him up so he breaks free and
goes on a killing spree. This is followed by
unoriginal killing scenes and popcorn machines, cut
in with random scenes from Terror Firmer, Toxie 4
and another Troma film that I couldn't finger. So
this movie is so terrible I fell asleep and had to
rewind it back 45 minutes after I woke up. The
movie comes to the usual slasher out of his mind
conclusion that I don't even need to mention and
then its over... thank god! The only redeeming
quality of this film are the little scenes of Tromaness
between scenes. Yes folks ... A b-movie I actually
couldn't stand.
Now! Convent! This is a movie I can talk about
with a smile! It's got cool effects for a budget film,
a cameo from Coolio and lots and lots of gore! The
story surrounds this group of over-aged looking
teenagers who break into an abandoned church sort
of building where it is said that lots of weirdness
has happened, like teen pregnancy abortions and
nuns being slaughtered by some crazy woman. So
they go in there, but not before parking in front of
the rumored crazy womans house and yelling
obscenities at her. Once in the church, they're up to
their usual antics involving giggling, bad pick up
lines and doing drugs. Sadly the cops show up, one
girl hides in the house because she's a badass and is
already on parole. Coolio, as the bad cop, yells at
the kids, tells them to fuck off and then smokes
their pot. They all go to a diner and drink coffee
and laugh about it. When the girl who didn't stay
behind is told her friend stayed, she wants to go
back to make sure she's ok. After much persuading
they all go back, because the guy "left his stash."
So they go back to find out that her friends been
demonized and that theyre boarded in. They meet up
with some wacky Satanists that work at Dairy
Queen... once it takes off you won't be able to
stop laughing! And most of the zombies were really
decent for a movie of this type! I highly recommend the
rental if you wanna invite some friends over and
laugh.
Thats it for this month Ladies and Gentlemen!
Now remember, if you want to talk about b-movies,
just contact me. I have nothing better to do and
love making fun of things.. anything. PLEASE!
*clears his throat* sorry.. Till next month, this has
been Johnny Morrell bringing you the latest in b-
movie entertainment. I'd also like to mention that
my profile picture has been changed!
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