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July 2007
This month, since Sheryl encouraged our readers last month to send mail to fellow CT writer Mat Bredfeldt, I thought I would dig into my own mailbag and field some letters from the adoring fans. I almost feel bad that Mat's getting so little mail and I'm getting so much. Without further ado, let's see what real e-mails are waiting for me this morning.
First up from the mail today is this note from Dorothea, who writes, "Get her into bed today."
Thanks for writing, Dorothea, though your message seems a bit unclear. Are you suggesting I need some steamier love scenes in my manuscripts? While I've had some suggestions to that effect before, my position on this hasn't changed. I like to think my readers have healthy imaginations and do not need steamy or graphic love scenes for the story to be complete. I appreciate the feedback, though, and will definitely take it under advisement.
Next up is Paula, who wrote to say, "Gain up to 5+ fungi".
Hi Paula. Say, you've been listening in on our work conversations, haven't you? Like every one of my co-workers, I strive to be a fun guy. While at times it seems we could use some more help around here, though I don't know how we'd keep five more of us busy. We've also joked about being various forms of fungi, particularly of the mushroom variety, since they tend to keep us in the dark and feed us loads of bull manure. I'm sure you'll realize this explains why I do so much writing, as all that BS has to go somewhere.
Let's turn to one of our male readers, shall we? Maverick dropped me note to say, "SExUXXALL -EXPLulCIT: hurtsmerry merrytaken wantsoro".
Good to hear from you, Maverick. Last I heard, you were taking part in that "10,000 monkeys at 10,000 typewriters" experiment, weren't you? I'm assuming you haven't managed to draft Hamlet's Soliloquy yet, but it's good to see your typing has improved quite a bit from the last time you wrote. Keep reading Collector Times and - by the way - don't give up those meds quite yet.
Switching back to our more erudite female correspondents, I have a nice note from Sabrina telling me, "Be like Ron Jeremy."
Sounds interesting, Sabrina. Which on-line magazine does Ron write for? I'm not familiar with his work, but I'm sure if nice readers like you are endorsing him, he must be getting greater exposure all the time. Personally, though, I hold to the rule that the best thing any writer can do is to not try and be like someone else, but rather to be true to their own style and calling. I wish Ron the best, though, and hope he hits the big time soon.
Next, I'd like to publicly thank all the nice people that have offered to help my writing career by offering me free laptop computers and digital cameras. I really do appreciate the offer, and I know it's only because you want to help me succeed that you keep encouraging me to take you up on the offer. I'm flattered; truly I am, but I assure you I'm much happier doing my writing on the desktop computer with my ergonomic keyboard and pivoting LCD monitor. I don't have a lot of use at this time for a better quality digital camera in my duties as a CT writer, but if I ever do, I'll look you up and see if the offer is still available.
Finally, I need to say something to the overzealous fans that have been sending me links to nude pictures of themselves. Ladies, I'm a bit embarrassed by all the attention. I know Rock Stars and Movie Actors get this kind of treatment all the time, but I don't think anything in my background as a writer ever led me to believe writers attract that many groupies. While I'm sure you're quite lovely and it might be interesting to chat with you on-line or watch your web-cams, please believe me when I say I'm happily married and have no interest in even a casual relationship of the type your messages imply. It's for the best that I tell you this, and I strongly encourage you to pursue relationships with attainable people in your own area instead of chasing after some schoolgirl crush for a distant writer.
Keep those letters coming, though, and maybe you'll see your e-mail in a future column!
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